what the world offers: part i

1 stop at paula's pancakes in solvang, 1 coffee stop in gilroy, and 8 hours later i am walking through my future college campus. it is dead on a summer's sunday and my mom and i are marveling at its beauty. this will be home.

we pick up the new coldplay album (why it took me so long, i do not know, but its beautiful) and i fall asleep listening to it and thinking of what the world offers.

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what the world offers

I.

Wind enters a still forest and 

weds the leaves. sparks of light 

and insight are born. a symphony

of rustling gives life to an audience.

Sparkle and sound together gleams. 

II.

Stars are set in the evening sky.

One for every soul that existed, exists

and will exist. they twinkle

as they breathe. absorbing

the Sun's left over Light.

III.

Water never ceases to dance.

In constant tempo, always

harmonizing with the Air. Waltzing

with it's visitors. i dip my feet

in and it remembers how to hold me.

...

----

i wake up. "haven't had a dream, in a long time."

but the one i had last night was intense. a reoccurring pattern: i have a dream dry spell and then i experience a dream of great potency.

the dream.

so. i find out i am pregnant (making this the 6th or 7th pregnant dream i've had in the last 3 years) and i am having twins. i find out quickly that my pregnancy is going to be extremely dangerous. the doctors tell me that there is an unbelievable percentage that i'm going to die. i am not sad though.

then i am with all my friends and loved ones. we are at a social gathering and we are all chatting and then i realize where we are. we are at my funeral. we are standing on the grass surrounding my grave site. but i'm not dead and i am still pregnant.

then. my mom and i go to the doctor's office to get the twins checked out, they're doing fine so we get ready to go somewhere. we drive down this street. it looks like a very run down neighborhood. windows are boarded up, wire fences are surrounding the blocks, and graffiti paints the walls. we find parking on this street and my mom points to a house. i say something like "yeah i would choose them as guardians, but you and dad are first." she smiles. and i say "that's if if i'm not here."

we walk up another hill of grass, and enter the home of some friends. I am talking to people and i see a little girl eyeing my belly, i wave her over and place her hands on my stomach. warmth is emitted into the atmosphere when she places her hands on my belly. i feel older in my dream. older and calmer. motherhood and death don't scare me. i then go downstairs to the basement where they have chairs set up facing a podium. everyone is sitting in the chairs and i see two of my best friends dressed in white and crying. their state of emotion looks bittersweet. like they are saddened but enlivened. then i stand in front of them and they are waiting for me to speak. i'm expected to give them my eulogy. and i'm not sad. i'm extremely calm.

then i wake up.