the rain falls for a reason

"diamonds form in molten rock."

"the sweetest flowers of man's spirit have often been watered by tears."

"to endure breeds a greater capacity for endurance."

- Ruhiyyih Rabbani

sewing pieces together.

andy goldsworthy

The habit of looking to the future and thinking that the whole meaning of the present lies in what it will bring forth is a pernicious one. There can be no value in the whole unless there is value in the parts.

Bertrand Russell

scribbles on an old receipt:

whole: completeness|entirety

might: power|possibility

future: unknown|dependent on "now"

now: unknown|dependent on "me"

leaving my own bodies of water everywhere i go.everywhere i stay. salty fixes.

my mind swims. i become weightless. and immersed. and Empowered, yet powerless.

and i am so small.

Hands could set me down on Earth.

so vast: i'm unnavigable. but i always hear the Voice, so the Voice must see me.

to be seen.

to wonder (worry) if i'm whole.

to wonder (worry) whether what is perceived is what i intend to be perceived.

where am i going?

where have i gone?

new stamps in my passport. 

I have been to the moon and back.

She taught me how to be small.

I have been through water.

She taught me how to "slip through fingers, but hold up a ship."

I have been through trees.

so quiet, speaking brilliance when necessary. so patient, takes its time to grow and grows stronger because of it.

and still my family: the stars.

a star for every person who has lived, lives, and will live.

i begin to remove myself from a state of worry.

no longer concerned with "whatifs" and "ohnos" and "buts" and "maybeifidothises"

forgetting about yesterday and tomorrow.

thinking of now.

remembering to breathe now.

and right now, the air is sweetest.

throwing my hands up in the air,

i untie the load (i erroneously constructed) strapped to my back.

my shoulders loosen.

i breathe in His name

and release e v e r y t h i n g e l s e.

blue glow

i don't know the source, but there is a blue glow coming into the bedroom. most things are unplugged and the living room has become a storage room since i've been back. so i don't know what it is.

i finished 2 books today. the first two this year, and i finish them in a day. texts books don't count i hardly read those anyway.

everything was fine. i made the right decisions without even thinking about them: i woke up, began to read. went out, got lunch. came home, opened the blinds to let the light in.  my nerves got the best of me for a few hours, but they usually do and it turns out to be nothing, usually (can i even trust my gut anymore?). i continued to read when all of a sudden i got up, put on my shoes and sat at the pool. first time in a year i've sat at the pool and it was nice. but i got up after 15 minutes and decided to get dinner. went out, parked my car near the restaurant. ate and read inside. then i walked from the restaurant to a cafe to finish reading. then home.

i finish the rest of the book and go to bed.

all the right decisions.

i get up.

the glimpse of the blue light and the realization that i haven't seen one familiar face today makes my heart drop.

and the trembling of my eyes - they're on the verge of tears - breeds a new sort of strength - if i can even call it that - a sort of steadfastness in what is. (hope and promise. even more so acceptance.) and i wonder if progress and improvement are more than just the outcome|the after|the result? are they not also the process|the road|the journey? and if so am i improving? is this progress?

tomorrow is inevitable, but is a better tomorrow promised? not without effort.

and with that there is a place to put these things to rest.

its like

...hesitating to turn on the radio and then Intergalactic is on. sigh.

...going to costco and finding the best clothes in the men's section like the perfect t-shirt for $5.

...when you visit grandpa and its the best ever and he shows you all his cool stuff and then tells you all his stories and how much he's in love with grandma.

...having the first good dream in a very long time. very very very looooong time.

...knowing to listen to what my dreams say.

...getting new camera stuffz.

...having father daughter days 2 days in a row.

...eating vietnamese food and lots of it.

...when daddy decides he's gonna make thai food from scratch and then its like the yummiest thing ever.

...turning on the tv and jeopardy is on.

...when i learn a bunch of new songs on the ukulele.

...when the piano and i just work well together.

...when the world is so small.

...my parents are so in love its the most beautiful thing in the world.

gooooooood day :)

the things around me

a postcard of  O'Keefe's Yellow Hickory Leaves with Daisy... it keeps me happy

Bon Iver's Brackett, WI - if you haven't listened to this. you must.

Azure Ray's Sleep...words to define a moment i haven't been able to utter

one week and i'm gone from here. it feels horrible

and just when i thought my tear ducts were empty...

and "all things go..." works both ways doesn't it

(scream)

things that i forgot

or lost, or chose to neglect, or ignored, or never really knew at all 

the way shadow dances with light

4 am - 5 am

silence

a steady heart beat

before

wonder

one woman adventures

grass twitching in the wind

playing music to just dance

mama's embraces

daddy's healing hands

happy dreams

calm

but despite the loss, i have hope in the gain.

and forward is always brighter

just a thought

everything is from now on.

there is an exit from this cabin

and it lifts.

boxes are meant for storage

for later

but for now everything - 

everything is from now on

everything is from now

on

and on

to put a smile on my face

-when my mommy calls me "ally" but in emails spells it "ali" like i'm an old persian man, it makes me tremendously happy :)

-art history. art history. art history.

-i felt more capable at life today than i have in too long.

-madeleines and lattes

-coldplay. specifically Prospekt's March. more specifically Glass of Water. even more specifically at 1:04 until the end. i fly.

-a smooth serene and steady heartbeat. my heartbeat feels like a rave lately

-the sky. here in davis, the sky is much bigger than in LA.

-Davis' 9th Day of Ridvan celebration in Central Park

-also, when sammy jumped on my back for a piggy back ride. actually i AM a jungle gym :)

-tomorrow i'm going swimming

-in the last 2 years i've had the greatest history professors. Ling, Schwyzer and now Dickinson.

-J. M. W. Turner

- Bernini

- walking fast

-the roses right outside of the art building. every monday and wednesday, i stop and smell the roses.

-chicago

-the House of Worship in Wilmette, IL

-BBQ

:)

thoughts on progress: where did you come from? where did you go?

thoughts on progress.

lets jump in, shall we?

the beatles equal progress. take from their first albums songs like "love me do", "a hard day's night", "help!'. all possessing qualities of upbeatedness and pop. then we have what i like to think of as their middle albums, where we have songs like "norwegian wood", "blackbird", "lucy in the sky with diamonds", "in my life" where, to me, their sound is less pop-y and more folk rock inspired. then in their late albums we have songs like "back in the ussr", "happiness is a warm gun"  "come together", "you never give me your money" (and proceeding medley), "i want you (shes so heavy)" where the band had been inspired by transcendental spirituality and the lyrics took on a more hard-edge form. progress.

same thing with radiohead. we have pablo honey with its garageband feel. we can skip to ok computer. what can i even say. other than choose a ladder to climb up.... because i ascend... karma police - when he says "phew.... for a minute there i lost myself..." its just perfect. then we have kid a tiny electronic symphonies. it sounds like soaring. and hail to the thief where i just want to rock.out. and then there's my favorite: in rainbows. the title kind of sets you up. because the album is nothing short of magical. and i actually feel my heart enlarging.

the point is, the beatles and radiohead and many others - writers, musicians, artists (kandinsky and picasso?!), filmmakers, they progress but the good ones, the ones who blow you away, they remain themselves. the beatles were always the beatles despite their forward moving transformation. and kandinsky was always kandinsky - from fauvism to lines and points and planes and the circle. to progress but to improve but to remain, as in to carry on; to continue to exist, to live on, to prevail, to survive but always, always forward.

and suddenly progress becomes synonymous with improvement.

each tomorrow has the potential to be better than it's yesterday.

and if tomorrow holds potential for greatness in its hands, then it shall be released for flight. and greatness shall soar.

  in my hands

i hold

  tomorrow

  holds greatness.

it comes to me in sounds. planes propelling through 

the atmosphere and their fading vapor trails.

footsteps on crushed bricks makes sounds like 

crashing waves against prison gates.

silent tears and caged wails. don't let them out

- otherwise they're real.

and the sound of redwood Trees 

passing down means of life and growth

from the leaflets floating in the sky 

down to the roots hurrying towards the Centre.

the tuning of a guitar - a lullaby kept secret.

its the sound of consciousness and 

thoughtfulness. attentiveness to others.

properly rearranging puzzle pieces.

its finding C-F-E-A after a protracted period of C-B-D and 

not being able to get that "song" out of my "head".

that soul out of my heart.

i don't know,

it doesn't even make sense in here.

and yet it does

the sound of a day

somedays sound like a mogwai song. slow and with a cadence that throbs like a leaky faucet.

these days are often accompanied by heavy grey clouds. they patch the horizonless sky.

but grey clouds have silver linings.

yes.

exactly.

particles.

things: i've heard. i've found. i've learned. i've read. i've been told. i see. i believe

often what we consider to be human nature, is truly human habit

there is a solution to every problem

"ye were created to show love on to another."

change is inevitable. so accept it well.

with effort, will, desire, perseverance, trust, faith, and Assistance - anything is possible.

music is a ladder for the soul.

kindness is contagious

so are colds.

seek that which adds value to your life.

to be true to oneself may be going against the current, but at least its true.

"i am but a tiny seed"

...

soo much more....

what do you believe?

a

It Flows: stream of consciousness no.1

its Spring.

The Earth looks.smells.feels.sounds new. 

its Spring and I too am fresh and verdant.

today I felt like a Phoenix. today I am a Phoenix. 

After all the fire that I regrettably started in my own personal world, I feel anew. the fire causes regermination. so i guess i'm also a redwood. (makes fist, extends arm, pulls it back and whispers "yes!")

songs that enhance this moment of newness:

glassworks: opening by philip glass

martha my dear by the beatles

four fingered fisherman by modest mouse performed by sun kil moon

black and gold by sam sparro

montanita by ratatat

things i do that i won't stop doing and its ok because they're healthy obsessions if there is such a thing...

harmonizing. i cant stop wont stop

examine trees. it puts me at such ease. i can't explain

purchase books. i wish for shelves of books to replace all my walls

first day of spring quarter:

i walked into my art history class, half expecting i'd drop it. no way man. its incredible. we learned all about The Stonehenge today. uh-mazing. i left smiling. i left wanting to talk to people.

has that ever happened to you?

it happens to me often. i gain the strong urge to just tell you something (the collective yous).

...

what happened?

yesterday at children's classes i noticed how one of the little girls always has a smile on her face. and by always i mean it. always. so.

i said to her "you always have a smile on your face, what makes you so happy?"

and she answered in her adorably shy voice "flowers."

(an arrow through my heart.)

"well its the first day of spring so you're going to see a lot of flowers huh?" and i pointed to the cherry blossoms above us.

"i like red and pink flowers."

the wind was mild that day and the porcelain petals of the cherry blossoms fell like snow.

she tried to pick the petals up from the cement, "they.... they're like snow" she said curiously, as though she had never connected the two in her life and suddenly her eyes got brighter and looked towards the sky her smile remaining.

"what else makes you happy?" i asked

"hugs from my mom."

the eyes began to swell. this beautiful child could teach the world what they've lost. finding immense and contagious joy in simple pleasures.

i asked again and again,

"ice cream"

"rainbows"

playing outside"

why is it that as we get older we lose this? suddenly joy is gained from spending something, or gained at another's expense.

i'm committed to finding joy in the simple things.

like the way the branches are dancing from the fluid yet gentle force of the wind.

or the crescendos in this song by coldplay, "glass of water"

the yellow daffodils in my living room

laying on a grass field and feeling all my troubles crawl away

the fellow tenants in my apartment complex who where swimming their post-final cares away in the pool.

it's a beautiful day. a very beautiful day.

happy New Year :)

a

found: words

words that enhance: might(power and possibility), oneiric, invaluable, autumn, ascent, calm, equilibrium, excitement, feminine, hold, infinite, love, magic, reach, rain, impact, spectrum, synchronicity, tree, view.

favorites.

Clouds: 3 states|places|loci

Clouds: 3 states|places|loci

1

its where you begin. its always warm there. endless supply of blankets. someone always putting tea on the stove always someone to offer me tea from the stove. you have someone to sing you to sleep at night. always. and hands to rub your temples when your head needs restraining. muffling.

and there are corners that you'll never have to acquaint yourself with. corners are like open arms. at times. people to be with. people to be loud with. people to be silent with. people to be with. its always warm there, until its cold

2

when you arrive you can't stop smiling. its not warm and its not cold. you don't pay attention to temperature. because the novelty conquers all senses. you can't feel anything but excitement. even your presumptions dissipate. but then

but then. the clouds emerge. and you recall the places you've been. clouds i have sat on. and you miss. you screen memories more than you take in the present. so you do small things to satisfy.gratify what you miss. like: sitting in the poetry section of the library so you can be surrounded by Greats. watching the movie that changed your everything. flowers. sticking out your tongue in the rain. (or how tomorrow i'm probably going to drive 17 miles all the way to Vacaville because there's a See's Candy Shop that sells dark chocolate covered gingers that make everything better.) or you're up at 1:31 am and you think, well i should just stay up, because that would be something new...

things i've never done/also:things i've always wanted to do

1. do my laundry at a laundromat
2. stand in the rain until i'm not a spot dry
3. legitimately climb a tree

but there's sun. behind the clouds. the rays reach you in the form of people. the someone who sent you the letter you never imagined you'd receive. the someone who makes you want to be a better person. the someone who when you look at them|hear them|think of them you feel hope because them being in the world makes everything better. the someone who knows what to say and when to say it and also when to say nothing. the someone who shares their shoulders. the sun is warm. and now feels welcome.

and 2 is: watching my life without me at 1:00 am, knowing it makes you cry. knowing you shouldn't because once you start it you can't stop it. but doing it anyway because a) you can, b) you want to, c) you need to. and going to library and checking out Harry Potter #5 because you feel like you owe it to someone to read it even though you saw the movie first, something you still feel guilty about. and mixed cds because they are solutions to most every problem. and going to the park in the middle of the night with your best friend. and grocery shopping at 12 am on a friday night because its amazing.

3

(i don't know. but whatever it is, it lies ahead.)

Sappho Recalled to Life by the Charm of Music

Sappho Recalled to Life by the Charm of Music, Louis Ducis, 1811

things to say about this:

discovered this past summer, when i, for the first time after having visited the Norton Simon 1242831029381 times in my life, decided to view wings other than 19th Century and Modern & Contemporary.

sadly, i'm usually not interested in the neoclassical style, but this title, this concept is so incredible to me.

to be recalled to life: ok so is it that Sappho had died and the Charm of Music brought her back to life? or is it that Sappho had lost the essence and sense of life, the will to live, and the Charm of Music has recalled her back to that essence, that sense, that will?

the charm of music: exactly... the charm of music...

1. phonecall - jon brion

2. your hands are cold - jean-yves thibaudet

3. amsterdam - coldplay

4. reckoner - radiohead

5. four-fingered fisherman - sun kil moon

6. lull - andrew bird

7. le moulin - yann tiersen

8. backyards - broken social scene

9. elevator love letter - stars

10. andvari - sigur rós

11. concerning the ufo sighting... - sufjan stevens

12. prelude in D flat - chopin

13. this must be the place - talking heads

14. both sides now - joni mitchell

14. the lakes of canada - the innocence mission

15. skinny love - bon iver

i wake up.

currently (and will be for a long time) reading: This is Your Brain on Music by Daniel J. Levitin

also...

astronomer

astronaut

professional star gazer

the Moon's watchwoman

lamp shop owner

official farmer's market taste tester

professional traveler

member of the Save The World brigade

bicycle repair woman

journalist

author

Dave Egger's assistant

poet

coldplay's manager

radiohead's guitar tuner

baker

art history teacher

its been a while...

dream jobs.

florist

explorer

also Robert Ballard's assistant.

pizza tester

Demitri Martin's joke tester

plumber... (you wouldn't understand...)

radio DJ

stamp designer

chef

museum curator

art collector

oceanographer

fashion designer

white board doodler

librarian

map maker

independent bookstore owner

professional scarf wearer

architect

movie soundtrack song-picker-chooser

book cover designer

book synopsis writer

broken social scene's x-teenth member

antique book collector

a professional Huntington Gardens awestruckinresidence

mother

paint color mixer

landscape architect

nurse

storyteller

dream interpreter

sculptor

forester not to be confused with lumberjack...pshaw

piano tuner

music store owner

musical instrument teacher in elementary schools

children's book writer

owner of the Musée Rodin à Paris... Auguste Rodin, be still my heart.