blue glow

i don't know the source, but there is a blue glow coming into the bedroom. most things are unplugged and the living room has become a storage room since i've been back. so i don't know what it is.

i finished 2 books today. the first two this year, and i finish them in a day. texts books don't count i hardly read those anyway.

everything was fine. i made the right decisions without even thinking about them: i woke up, began to read. went out, got lunch. came home, opened the blinds to let the light in.  my nerves got the best of me for a few hours, but they usually do and it turns out to be nothing, usually (can i even trust my gut anymore?). i continued to read when all of a sudden i got up, put on my shoes and sat at the pool. first time in a year i've sat at the pool and it was nice. but i got up after 15 minutes and decided to get dinner. went out, parked my car near the restaurant. ate and read inside. then i walked from the restaurant to a cafe to finish reading. then home.

i finish the rest of the book and go to bed.

all the right decisions.

i get up.

the glimpse of the blue light and the realization that i haven't seen one familiar face today makes my heart drop.

and the trembling of my eyes - they're on the verge of tears - breeds a new sort of strength - if i can even call it that - a sort of steadfastness in what is. (hope and promise. even more so acceptance.) and i wonder if progress and improvement are more than just the outcome|the after|the result? are they not also the process|the road|the journey? and if so am i improving? is this progress?

tomorrow is inevitable, but is a better tomorrow promised? not without effort.

and with that there is a place to put these things to rest.