oh and also: this made me habee.

dropin' it like honey bee boys!

10 things loved.

1. how cute is this party?! i cannot wait until i can plan my future little ones' birthday parties!

2. my new skirt from XXI. uhmmm i feel like a fairy princess!

3. these guys. YUM!

4. last night. i went to g's and her cousins were visiting from Seattle. we hung out and then my parents came over too and we had dinner and then they shared their story. soooo cute. and then the world got smaller when we found out g's cousin's parents and my parents were in the same Baha'i community for some years. amazing.

5. Colorado.

6. how come i can't stop listening to Paper Planes by M.I.A.?

7. Trouble the Water. this is going to be heavy heartbreaking and heroic.

8. yesterday's phone call from Kelsey! i was so happy to hear from you and so glad you liked it :). love you!

9. Jeopardy. honestly i love this show soooo sooo much.

10. flowers.

love,

al.

...

to: weekends. unpredicted hugs. tall glasses of water. billows of pillows. snail mail. femininity. watching the grass twitch in the breeze. bicycle riding in the rain. running through fields. eating lunch at home with pops. sharing a slice of pizza with your best friend. laughing so hard you roll on the floor and curl up into the fetal position because it hurts so good. stairwells. brandy by looking glass. music club. a solid game of Frisbee. you. and your happiness.

i've been here before.

its uncomfortably warm

and i feel like i have scarves wrapped too tightly around my neck.

my palms are sweaty

and my eyes feel dry and tear-filled at the same time.

the inside of my mind is filled.

my head is heavy and my eyes are shaking.

i'm scared. worried. fearful. hopeful. and upset.

to be honest. to be completely honest, right now is really hard. because i'm really scared. because i don't know. because i can't wrap my head around where i'm going and whats happening in a few weeks. because life is actually happening. because i wish i didn't have to do it alone. because what if i hate it? because what if i fail? because what if i never come back? because what if i lose? because what if i gain? because home is becoming a place i visit every once in a while and now i have to build a new one.

where i'd like to be:

under a blanket of stars.

sitting in a tree house eating half a lemon with sugar.

in ioas grove.

in a used bookstore.

in Central Park.

at a Jon Brion concert.

baking cookies with friends.

singing alto in my high school choir. either ave verum corpus or deep river or ave maria or new day or and so it goes or  the hallelujah chorus...

driving in the rain listening to Celine Dion.

back to junior year of high school when i read Prufrock for the first time. and the places my mind could go after that.

back to the first time i felt music.

at the beach at night. cold sand might be one of the most amazing things ever.

at that little outdoor restaurant in yueyang eating long xia.

at the palace of the legion of honor in sf in 2006 looking at that Rodin exhibit.

at that piano recital where i MESSED UP ROYALLY. so i can re-do it.

in Colorado.

...

i've been here before, but i haven't been here in a while.

where happiness and sadness are sewn together so tightly that you truly cannot have one without the other.

where you are missing something so badly. but you don't know what it is exactly or how to get it.

to: 

change. time. and growth. 

i'm learning how to accept you.

for the first time

...

(in a long time) i feel content. its more than happiness because it is feeling tranquil with what you have and where you are.

i feel like for the first time i can breathe without hesitation.

i feel like for the first time i can drop my shoulders.

i feel like for the first time i can look around me and feel at ease.

i feel like for the first time i can look inside those around me and see what makes them serene. and that makes me content.

maybe its the air. maybe its the spectrum of the sunset. maybe it was seeing that love takes on many shapes and forms but it always blossoms from the same Seed.

i'm looking up.

love,

al

...

to: different air.

I'm a mile higher!

Denver, CO under a blanket of snow last December as i flew to Albuquerque, NM. 

i will be in Colorado with siblings until Wednesday. will post pictures.

cool things about Colorado:

i will be a mile higher than you.

i will get to test out how panicked i can get from being land-locked.

i will get to spend some quality time with the brothers kam and sister g.

i will get to run through a forest.

i will get to camp!

i will get to go white water rafting!!!

i will get to confirm that LA's hot wings are better than Denver's.

i will get to hopefully fist pound Barack Obama because of the democratic national convention.

looking forward!!!!

to: fist pounding

and counting

3:46 pm

a house is very different than a home.

bigger isn't always better.

less really is more. (richer. more potent. specialer)

and to think ALL of this is all of me. what i am and what i am not. 

what i am and what i am not. both make me.

and last night i believed my veins really were cello strings and my fingers really were piano keys and there really is the ocean in our eyes and our hearts do sit on clouds.

"the sun doesn't go down its just an illusion caused by the world spinning round" and "the heart is a resilient little muscle"

...

11:01 pm

"spare any change?"

no but would you like some food?

"thank you"

next corner:

"spare any change?"

and now i'm more depressed than i've ever been. because food shouldn't be something that people do and do not have. and clothes should be on every one's back. and shoes on every one's feet (Ashley, TOMS is perfect for you! i'm so happy!). and roofs over every one's head. and air should be called love. because it is gravity. everyone should breathe and be held together by love.

to: the men (my brothers. my fathers. my uncles. my soulfriends.) on each corner of DeLacey.

i've been meaning to tell you.

dear Internet,

why are you so amazing? why are you so vast? you are like the universe. i can't comprehend you. but i love you.

..

dear quilt,

thank you for keeping me just the right amount of warm at night. and thank you for being magical. because when you're my blankie of choice my sleep experience is better. you are like a portal to the dream world.

..

dear rain,

where in the world are you? i miss you. come back to me. i need you. pleeeeeeease.

..

dear heart,

how ya doin? you hangin in there? i know you are only capable of love, but i have to ask, do you hate me? i fail at life sometimes. sorry. i will listen to you more, because you can't do wrong.

..

dear Chopin,

Sir, (may i call you Sir?) you are excellent and all its synonyms. umm waltz in A flat, "L'Adieu"? i float. thank you. thank you. thank you.

..

dear Moby,

can we be friends?

..

dear synchronicity, 

i believe you until i'm proven otherwise.

..

dear David Bowie,

why are you so amazing? the other day the radio played 'let's dance'. lets just say i danced like no one was watching.and everyone was.

..

dear Woody Allen,

oh my gosh! i love you!

love,

al

...

its scary when it gets too hard. like you're running towards something and you just have to stop abruptly. and that losing of momentum and braking is frightening. its unstable and you don't know if you can stand on two feet for much longer. so you turn around and run back. and your heart is pounding and your knees are shaking and your eyes are dry and not only do they want to cry but your heart does too. and she's mad because you never listen to her like you should. shes always right. she's only capable of love. nothing less. so you go back to where you came from and you sit. first you catch your breath. then you apologize to your heart. then you make a list of things you'll never do again. ever.

pedal to the mettle

the tens

i feel like itemizing.

ten songs that make me sigh.

1. the lakes of canada - the innocence mission

2. the great escape - moby

3. motion picture soundtrack - radiohead

4. redford(for yia-yia & pappou) - sufjan stevens

5. lull - andrew bird

6. this must be the place - talking heads

7. homesick - kings of convenience

8. andvari - sigur ros

9. push your head towards the air - the editors

10. see you soon - coldplay

ten places i wouldn't mind living.

1. seattle

2. beijing (but i don't know for how long)

3. paris

4. haifa

5. maine (although, i've never been there)

6. london

7. new york (but i don't know for how long)

8. orcas island

9. florence

10. errr

things that are just good.

1. peanut butter toast

2. the periodic table of elements

3. locating the light from a prism

4. music with soul

5. brandy (you're a fine girl) - looking glass (those trumpets kill me)

6. walking out of a movie theatre and feeling new

7. unagi

8. this, this, this and this

9. napping

10. swings

ten things it would have been fun to be when i grew|grow up

1. a cheese connoisseur

2. a fashion designer

3. a printmaker

4. the curator of the musee d'orsay

5. coldplay's 5th member

6. a professional tree friend (for hugging, climbing, watering etc.)

7. a piano tuner

8. owner of the world's most bestest bookstore ever! i would call it folded pages or something.

9. food critic

10. florist

ten little things that are major.

1. how the sun shines between trees

2. watching clouds move

3. hands on shoulders

4. butterflies

5. that the moon only shines because of the sun's light

6. walking at dawn or dusk

7. the sound of my dad tuning his guitar

8. bagpipes

9. babies hands

10. getting postcards in the mail

things i'd like to have been

1. a rainy day

2. a gardenia

3. the sound leaving a bagpipe

4. folded pages of a favorite book

5. sufjan steven's banjo

6. the life of a leaf

7. a star

8. a particle of water in the pacific ocean

9. a cello

10. purple

ok.

10 things loved.

1. sleeping in.

2. Moby.

3. looking up

   

4. David Byrne. 1)because of This Must Be the Place and 2) because of Arboretum

5. the Olympics!

6. antique store purchases:

7. tomorrows.

8. The History of Love by Nicole Krauss

9. Dario Robleto

10. conversations with strangers.

collecting raindrops and other things*

...

what is felt too often.

i can't find words. there are feelings and i can't find words. actually. i won't find words because i am so afraid to hear them and for them to be heard so i collect raindrops and other things. and then there are moments where i reach a new landscape|season|temperature|place and i stop. turn around. press play. and watch the memories unravel.

...

at one time these things occurred.

one time i wrote this: if i lived in a glasshouse, i might break something and people would see.

one time i spent an entire year reciting "let us go then, you and i, when the evening is spread out against the sky..." whenever someone would say, "let's go"

one time i gave myself headaches trying to figure out when and where the universe ended.

one time a ladybug spent minutes on my finger.

one time i almost had a sibling. or i had a sibling. or i have a sibling who was not meant to live in this world.

one time (2 times) i felt like i could really fly. as though it could really happen and all i had to do was jump.

one time i dreamt that i was alone in the sea.

one time i dreamt that i painted the floor of a city red in remembrance of departed friends.

...

my own sea changes|transfigurations|metamorphoses.

noticing-appreciating-marveling-hugging-becoming trees.

becoming clouds. tears and movements and elevation.

sitting still.

falling asleep(awake) to raindrops.

internalizing. listening to you and internalizing.

practicing silence.

undoing the strings around this heart.

...

things i've measured out my life with.

1. stubbed toes.

2. pages reread.

3. times i've looked up with tear-filled eyes, "why?!"

4. slices of berry pie.

5. times i've read Prufrock.

6. times i've listened to Phone call.

7. stranger's returned smiles.

8. hands.

9. hugged trees.

10. times where no song was sufficient enough

...

what i can't find words for (but still can fathom internally).

the pain i get in my chest and stomach and eyes and hands when something is wrong.

how wide and deep i want the walls of my heart to be because i can't stop putting you|everything|e v e r y t h i n g in it.

why i can'twon't pass a bookstore. and if i have to, i give it a sincere "i see you" look.

why the stars and the trees and the ability to breath and use my arms and hands makes me cry.

where i go when i hear phone call.

why it will be okay.

also, how it will be okay.

...

other things.

know that when i say "i love you" there is a screening of all the reasons why in my head as i say it. and that it will always be more than these words.

sometimes i can't think of a song that would suffice. there is no thing that will remedy. so silence must be enough.

silence can be louder(powerful and carrying) than most things.

i fear being land-locked.

"i'm counting it out, i'm working it out inside."

the words to "the lakes of canada" are how i (want to) feel most|all of the time.

there will always be more but i can hardly ever find ways to present it.

completely necessary

1. (siiiiighhhhhhhhhhhhh...)
2. listening to Preludes No. 4 and 15 and crying.
3. purchasing The History of Love only because of the title.
4. reading The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock when i'm sad.
5. spending $0.50 on a game at the carnival i was sure i would lose but hoped i would win.
6. walking around the record store today twice just because it felt good being in there.
7. i cannot pass a bookstore. i cannot. (also i will not).
8. still crying every time i open Prayers & Meditations.
9. needing someone to talk to right now right now.
10. stopping today in the middle of a busy walkway to look up.
11. sticking my head out the window tonight on the way home and choking on the perfectly cold air.
12. kicking rocks yesterday.
13. staying up until 2 to finish reading a book.
14. keeping my kaleidoscope in my purse at all times.
15. i can never have enough pictures of looking up under trees.
16. i can listen to This Must Be The Place over and over and over and. it still is one of the best (love) songs.
17. (siiighhhhhhhhhhhhhhh...)

tomorrow is almost here. thank You.

what happens when you find hints|clues|tricks|signs hidden amidst the world...

"When in deep water, become a diver."

on becoming and crying

A Defeated Soldier Wishes To Walk His Daughter Down The Wedding Aisle by Dario Robleto
(this moved me)
-other really great titles of Robleto's work included: Time Measures Nothing But This Love. An Instinct Toward Life Only A Phantom Can Know. No One Has A Monopoly Over Sorrow. War Pigeon With a Message (Love Survives the Death of Cells). Heaven Is Being A Memory Of Others....
...

so. without holding back, and ignoring the fact that i doubt my ability to turn my thoughts and feelings into articulate and comprehensible words (or as i like to look at it heart-to-heart) i am going to describe today(and i am binding today to all of my days. at least the ones that really surpassed in value) in relation to where i've reached (in my own way). (this is confusing, no?)

ferry boats:
i've heard and noticed that we spend a lot of our lives in transportation. my transportation of choice will forever be ferry boats (and trains. but that is slightly irrelevant). it is surly the most scenic route. the most serene route. the most spacious route.
getting on the boat and standing at the front tip meeting the wind. noticing how the trees on each island reach to the foot of the shore proving how calm the water is and how the clouds float so close above head that you actually feel closer to God and dreams and stars and weightlessness. floating on silver water and understanding depth as the color of beyond looks more translucent as it extends but becomes closer and closer. (dreams turning into realities)

orcas island:
Orcas is a land for lessons. every time i've spent on this island i have gained lessons. tricks. feelings so precious. most of my growth has been initiated by things i've learned and gained on this island or have at least triggered my own revelations.

here i have learned:
about my own ignorance.
the importance of relativity.
how to see.
what color is.
that i need to learn all the rules before i can break them.
of William Stafford.
what a "thank you" really does.
what i never will become.
what i will forever strive to become.
the impact of words.
to fall in love with coffee.
and blackberries.
how to make a pie.
chapter 1 in what love is.
of Milan Kundera.
of appreciation for Klimt.
that i am a capable individual.
...

i sat in the car today on our way out of Seattle and i could feel my mind expanding.
i am more capable and tolerant of silence than i ever have been and simple things have triggered pounds of emotion to burst out of my heart.

things that have triggered pounds of emotion to burst out of my heart:

.i saw a flock of birds flying across a freeway. it was the first time i was so moved by their togetherness and unity.
.last year when i came to orcas for two weeks by myself, my aunt presented me with a book . i started it a month ago and i am almost finished. its beautifully written and provokes so many thoughts and ideas. i'll read something i've never thought of before and spend days trying to understand it better. its provoking and arousing. it feels full circle to have received the book here but a year ago and now i'm finishing it here.
.i found a moleskine on sale(!)
.i've picked up 2 new books: The Unbearable Lightness of Being and The History of Love
.i've discovered a new favorite museum: the Frye Art Museum.
.and a new artist to admire: Dario Robleto
.Heaven is Being a Memory to Others
.walking through Pike Place.
.the post today from The Submerged Submersible

...

i'm not quite finished yet

i cry easily. i've heard i'm impressionable. for a while i disagreed. it sounded so distasteful. then i understood it better and agreed. now i choose to see it differently. now, i've come to realize that i seek to have wide-eyes. i want to feel as much as possible in this world. this explains a lot. why i love the rain so so much. why i feel as though I am obligated to acknowledge every tree i see. why looking at someone can cause tears (things like a smile, or a laugh, or just those gestures that make us who we are or rather greater than what we tend to see ourselves as. tend to conduct ourselves as. tend to treat others as.) why reading something from someone and knowing, positively, that they mean it. they really mean it. that causes tears. humanness causes tears. and when i see righteous attempt of humans to surpass their humanness or rather human nature or rather human habit: tears. the act of opening my P&M has caused tears. thinking of why it snowed on January 7 prompts tears....

letter

Letters to God, Western Wall, Jerusalem

...

Dear,

it would take every moment of two lifetimes to thank You.

here. i'm standing, little me. insignificant and full of potential and fear.

and i can't seem to untie this belt of hope i have wrapped around me.

i know which things are of You and which things i create(d) to fight them.

but You still give rain. and trees. and the clear night sky.

i know how much i doubt and how much i cry.

even with them closed, i can roll my eyes and even while i'm sleeping i slip.

but You still give the ocean. and siblings. and the moon.

i could and have found reason after reason why i should have more.

i could list all of them right now. but then i think of what i have. what You have already bestowed.

and You still give butterflies. and arms. and the scent of flowers. and clouds. and airplanes. and eyes. and Prayers & Meditations. metaphors. and pianos. my father's hands. and my mother. orcas island. babies laughing. "sorry". books of poetry. ferry boats. large trampolines. peripheral vision. oolong tea. summers in china. Mount Carmel. colors. grandparents. autumn. snow. angels. the snowflake that landed in my hair on that day. tomorrows...

thank You.

here and now

waking up...

i just woke up. my aunt has not put curtains up yet so i woke up as the light transformed the room. the first thought i had as i gained awake-ness was "i'm here!" and a large smile took shape on my face.

i rolled over and looked out the window...

the branches of trees lush and verdant stretching out towards the shore.

its an overcast washington day (my favorite) so the sea looks silver especially with its opalescent movement.

the island is a "u" shape and we are in the nook of that u. so the rest of the island is stretching out ahead.

i remember last summer i looked out the window with my Aunt Carol and she asked me what color the hill was. the sun was setting and i looked over and i said it was green with bits of brown. she said, "No. what colors are the hill right now?" i looked closely. i ignored what i knew, what i could say with my eyes closed, what the science book tells us, what the pictures show us and it wasn't green anymore. it was orange dark dark dark blood orange. the sunset had made this hill of trees deep deep orange. color become more important at that moment.

i am here again, looking at that same hill, finding his colors.

...

last night on the ferry...

my mom was so worried we wouldn't make the 9:00 ferry.  but we did. i parked on the car deck and ran to the top. sat down started writing and then i stopped. realized i could write any time. there is wind outside that i need to hit my face. so. i bundled up and went to the tip of the ferry. magic.

having that freezing wind against my face, and the sea, those islands and those mysterious yet glorious shades of blue and purple in the sky... all laying out in front of me might be one of the best feelings in the world....

i can't accurately describe the sky for you, so i offer this.

plum. violet. midnight blue. indigo. blackberry. black. and a pearl floating beyond silver clouds.

the islands we passed are scarcely populated so the lights i did find looked like fallen stars.

through this image i now realize the power. the potential. the might of a single light.

...

i have been here so many times. too many times to remember. every time i come it feels new....

the precious treasures i take home will forever live in my heart.

being here is a breath of fresh air...

Grants Pass, OR

just traveling through...

...

so.

we left yesterday at 5. we were planning on taking the 101 but as we were driving we realized this would take us f o r e v e r. imagine a sad face, because if you know me you know how much i love the feeling of driving north on the 101.

so we were able to cut over to the 5 no problem! thank you LA freeways!

so we're making our way. we stopped at a Starbucks to reload and then at a denny's for some dinner. and then i took over the wheel. i drove us up to Redding, CA and then i was too tired to go on. the coffee and the non-stop singing didn't seem to keep me awake for as long as i had hoped. thankfully my mom had power napped and was able to take us to the OR border! we slept for 4 hours at a rest stop and left this morning at 7:00. 

now we are in Grants Pass, OR!

i had wanted to do some antiquing (last time i did i found an amazing 1901 edition of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn, with illustrations for 4 DOLLARS!)

but its too early and they're all closed. so, my mum (its her birthday!) and i are stopped at a Dutch Bros Coffee writing on our laptops. we're so cute.

We are making excellent time and should be in Seattle by 3 or so. PERFECT timing for lunch at Pike!

so far the trip has been great.

some (magical) moments so far:

. turning on David Bowie wary of whether or not my mom would approve, happy to find she was dancing!

. the clean bathrooms at Starbucks. thank you thank you thank you.

. the table of teenagers at Denny's throwing spit wads at each other - strangely familiar.

. my new association of Feist and the 5.

. my new love for the 5.

. driving towards the Big Dipper. very very beautiful.

. while Moby is playing my mom says, "i really like this. a lot."

. waking up in front of a bunch of trees and morning mist.

. sitting here at the coffee shop listening to this man's phone conversation about how much he loves his daughter and how he rode his bike all the way here to spend her birthday with her and now he's talking about Hollywood. "i don't understand how anyone can live there.... it's all pretend..."

. watching the sun set.

. singing Dolly Parton's "Travelin' Thru" two times through.

. playing air piano to "Damn Shame"

next stop Seattle!

looking forward

orcas island, wa

...

i'm looking forward

to...

driving north on the 101 tomorrow with my mum.

arriving at the Oregon border

antiquing in Grants Pass, OR

entering Seattle.

my Pike Place stops: Le Panier, Mee Sum Pastry, DeLaurenti's, Market Spice etc. etc. etc.

Anacortes!

cousin time.

the mist at night in the Anacortes air.

morning walks to Washington Park

rocky beaches!

the ferry ride

standing at the tip of the ferry with the wind in my face.

Orcas Island

walking and talking with Bella

walking on my aunts beach: collecting weathered glass, smooth stones, counting starfish, and investigating tide pools.

walking into town...

Mt. Constitution.

orcas stars.

Aunties.

....

also:

3 years ago today, i was arriving in Shanghai by train

2 years ago today i was on my way to Bosch to be a counselor for the first time

1 year ago today i took my first trip on my own to Washington

....

to: my full. rich. colorful. lush. life. i am so blessed.

...

(now the ears of my ears awake and

now the eyes of my eyes are opened)

e.e. cummings

travels and dust.

la lune

...

and somehow i end up here often.

where the nameless thoughts and 

unidentified feelings are pushing at the surface.

provoked by the acoustic strums of a guitar

and the pianist's hands hovering above his instrument.

and that's when i close my eyes.

that's when i close my eyes

and somehow i feel it. it.

it takes the shape of a smile

creased cheeks and pinched eyes.

other times it becomes fluid.

salty and blurred. but so clear.

on occasion i find it in the moon.

i try to color it. silver? gray? white? ash?

what if it were just a perfectly round cloud?

or a sphere of smoke.

what if we were made of moon dust? lunar soil?

and i don't know why but ever since i learned 

man had walked on the moon, i've been sure that i will too someday...

a small list of things that i would do on the moon

Pray.

recite "Let us go then, you and I, when the evening is spread out against the sky..."

look back and wave.

moonwalk.

sit and read The Little Prince.

say all of your names.

cry.

study the earth's smallness.

write.

...

now and then its in the night air.

i feel it most when i park my car in front of my house.

sometimes i sit for a few minutes before doing anything.

studying the stillness.

as i walk to the front door i collect.

there is a moistness and heaviness in the air.

and then i lie in bed and contemplate.

it reveals itself in dreams

and i feel small.

...

to smallness.

beautiful things

los feliz cielos

...

beautiful things (a few)

golden hills against piercing-blue skies.

eating lunch with A while we watch full house re-runs.

planning last minute movie nights and speeding to the nearest blockbuster which is closing in 5 minutes.

the air last night as i stuck my arm out the window.

love.

the progress of the soul

visiting my fam at the Laem

watching S help the elderly into their cars

redwood trees

the morning air in Santa Cruz

the Youth

falling leaves

butterflies

when you look around and see Love and Unity

roadtrips to Washington with my mom

the moon on orcas island

the starfish on the rocks on the shore outside my aunt's house on orcas

the lakes of canada by the innocence mission

....

where it is|getting here.

ch ch ch ch changes

......

today.

i am tempted to write using "you" instead of "i"

removing myself somehow. perhaps its easier to digest.

but never quite as satisfying.

...........

now, i feel the effects of time. today was about transitions. getting the things i need to move from A to B easier. a blanket. a dress. the last visit to the laemmle for a while. a note. a song or two or three or four. the book.

today was about looking. seeing where it is i've arrived.

the spectrum of feelings i've felt over the last year.

wondering, "what is it that gets me here?"

and then i study what that means.

what it means to move from A to B. what it feels to move from A to B.

it is the space between the end of one chapter and the start of a new one.

it is my head turning around as i cross the street and seeing where my feet tread.

it is the beginning vocals in Reckoner by Radiohead.

it is leaving a place for the second time.

it is reading about someone else's chapters.

it is being asked to dance.

it is closing eyes and hearing.

it is hearing a song in the same place a year later and feeling the exact opposite of low.

it is passing a note to a loved one.

it is the elevation i felt last week and refuse to let go of.

it is understanding the implications of 'practical'.

it is feeling hope for strangers.

hello. life is happening.

when you know you're home.

a sort of now

where i've been:

i've just been on top The Mountain. elevated, hovering above earth. 

Skies - a blue i'd never ever seen before. a blue you know has More beyond it. beyond you see the Moon and you anticipate the reality of Stars.  

The evening's cold Air has a quality of holding you. putting hands on shoulders and whispering this is home.

the Trees must have hearts because i left my thoughts and prayers at their roots and things turned okay.

what i've witnessed:

120 Souls. SOULS.

how a grove of redwoods can silence a world.

hearts in hands. offerings.

Happiness.

inspiration beyond measure.

vulnerability met with Love.

True. Pure. Real Love.

transformation.

falling walls. and shining lights. (the unveiling of hearts)

where i am now:

my Relationship feels more real than it ever has before.

my eyes have never been brought to so many necessary tears.

i have left the Mountain and i refuse to lose the elevation.

i am now realizing why i've never wanted to unpack my suitcase.

i know what it feels like to belong to a Unit.

i am sure of what it means to be a Baha'i woman now.

there is a flood of hope that is surging into my heart right now.

it really is so much more than these words.

...

where i am.

there is a surge of sadness felt when descending the Mountain.

the first things you see are gas prices and shoppers. advertisements and freeways.

then you get to the airport. this medium that connects people. and you feel stuck.

because you are only an hour away from home and Home.

so then you tell yourself. Home can be anywhere. it really just depends on what you make of it. mentally. emotionally. spiritually.

so you go home. with hopes of making it feel like Home.

i didn't look out the window on this car ride. and when i got to my room i had forgotten about all the things inside of it.

1 week and all these things felt|feel unnecessary.

i replay the week in my head over and over and over.

last year the energy lasted for a good 6 months.

it feels different this time.

i feel different this time.

i've seen hearts like i've never seen before.

completely humbling.

i just pray i never lose this feeling of elevation.