supplements

Shannon Rankin. Heart.
...

because i can't find the words to accurately describe how i feel.

(or rather) because i don't even know what i am feeling.

because right now:thursday: i am one day closer to reuniting with my family.

because i didn't leave my house today and now i feel like i am suffocating. seriously.

because in 2 months i will be on my own, 400 miles away from what i know and love. off to discover more to know and love.

because even though i am an individual, my heart and soul still wants to dance with yours.

because even though my heart and soul wants to dance with yours, i am still an individual.

because i can only hold on to so much.

because the world is so ridiculously beautiful sometimes. i really can't handle it.

(and also) because the little things still make me cry.

because there will be more front doors to enter. and more hands to be held. and more stars to be searched for. and more eyes to be memorized.

"(just) because i'm losing, doesn't mean i'm lost"

because being human is universal.

because some songs will never get old.

because of arms.

because of how i feel when i stand next to mountains. (and for why i want to climb them).

because understand is so much more valuable than conquer.

...

to: existing.

oh, the places i will go...

possibilities in snow

....

somehow i know i've been to them all ready

i've memorized the shape of trees and the patterns in the sidewalk

the number of steps it will take to reach a front door

and the scent. the feel. the tendency. the mood of air.

i know that when i get to these places

the air will loosen,

i will enter,

and then it will gather towards me and secure itself.

until i become ready to move along.

until i sculpt out another mold.

(until the air grows tired.

until it weakens.

until i begin to float.)

8 years old and i remember seeing myself in places.

places. s. never stationary. always moving.

and yet i have always lived here.

small journeys lasting no longer than a month. China. Italy. France. the Navajo nation.

falling asleep in unfamiliar cities. awaking and walking through streets.

collecting leaves. and navigating corners. talking to store clerks. experiencing sunsets.

but home has always been here.

conversations are internalized. i hit the rewind button before i close my eyes.

i struggle to take it in. i look around me often,

as if it will disappear.

but it is disappearing.

where does the time go?

(soundscapes:

the tick of a clock in the distance.

outside. i can hear cars traversing 3 blocks away.

the wood floors are adjusting themselves.

somehow the silence has a richness.

a heavy cargo its ready to retire.

i can relate to that.)

i can relate to that.

the thickness of silence. so weighty it isn't silent anymore.

and then you're ready to go to sleep.

you're afraid of what it carries. what it has to. needs to say.

so you sleep. and somehow it reveals itself in dreams.

and it never really shocked you because you had an idea of what it would speak already.

despite foreign. unfamiliar. alien.

i will still have:

the color of the moon. the inescapable wind.

the existence of air. and the feeling of the ocean on my feet.

and the hope for rain.

...

to: recognizing (and appreciating) my constants in hopes of understanding (and appreciating) my variables.

right now: ponderings

my world through a kaleidoscope.

....

right now:

(lacks transition and fluidity, but it is real nonetheless).

the urge to have a heart to heart remains.

music makes life glisten

i can't bring myself to say the things i really want to say.

.

and now the days pass quickly. the future is nearing (rapidly).

........

to: what the world looks like through my kaleidoscope.

 and how one instant can change everything.

and to what i'll feel in 3 days.

and to your hands because they've held clouds and sprouted flowers and have released|captured|delivered butterflies. they've cupped oceans of tears. and oceans of love. and they are an atlas to your past present and future. perhaps they've met (will meet) mine and we could cradle clouds and birth flowers and house butterflies together. hand in hand.

what the world offers: part ii

what the world offers part II

IV.

Hands holding hearts,

faces, souls. the warmth

of hands reviving the sore.

and in the palm a map

of how each soul connects.

V.

Gravity. a force that pulls

but keeps me mobile.

i find ways to defy it. 

falling. dropping. floating.

But it endures. love.

VI.

Moon peeking out from behind

the sky's drapes. only visible

because the set sun shares

its light. watching us.

guarding sleepers

right now: a reflection

...

it is a strange feeling to have been so excited for something for so long

and then as it finally nears and the prospect of it actually happening is so real

that you begin to sink into a sea of fear and confusion.

questions like

why did i put this off for so long?

will it ever feel the same?

will it ever be the same?

will everything fall apart?

i find myself looking around more often than i ever have before. taking it in. noticing:

how the entry way from the dining room to the kitchen to the hallway to my parents room looks and how it lines up and the spectrum of shadows. the colors of that lamp. the paintings in the dining room. the flaws in the wood floors. the lines in their face. the colors in their eyes. hands. how the face contorts to smile.

i have so much lying ahead of me the next few months. but i have really done nothing for the past month. and i've noticed:

my sleeping patterns are parallel to my cats. the house cools down when everyone is asleep. how i've become afraid to answer the door. i don't paint anymore. my piano is out of tune. no matter how many times i tell myself to wake up early and watch the sunrise i still wake up no earlier than 10:30 (this is sad).

i finished a book called the perks of being a wallflower two days ago. and since then all i feel like doing is reading.

...

rain

it was so dry.

she looked at her hands and they were ashy and white.

"is it really this dry?", she thought.

it hasn't rained in. she can't remember.

she does remember, though, when the heat would set with the sun.

the nights would be cool. and lively. couples would pull each other towards one another. body heat.

now. the sun sets but the heat lingers.

it settles in corners and surfaces.

cats find tile to lie on. but even that feels warm.

people avoid touching.

she turns out all the lights.

sleep.

but she can't sleep. she isn't tired. her heart is. and her mind is. but her eyes and her mouth and her hands need.

she turns on her night lamp and grabs a book. she handles it with force. touch.

her eyes are wide (and sore) and she is inspecting every word carefully.

her mouth is dry. it needs to speak. it hasn't spoken. spoken. in so long.

she reads the words out loud.

the air is piercing her eyes now. it is too painful.

she closes her eyes. the book. her hands. and she breathes.

the silence is frightening.

she misses the rain.

she imagines the rain is falling outside and it helps her fall asleep.

The Bucket List

Bucket List .1

. hitchhike. (this one might not happen, just because who knows how safe it is. but it seems fantastic!)

. go to where Alexander Supertramp spent his final days.

. be on Jeopardy! (this one might not happen either...)

. get stuck in an elevator with strangers.

. learn the cello and the violin and the guitar and the accordion.

. climb to the top of a mountain

. look into a volcano

. buy a grand piano

. visit every Bahai House of Worship on ever continent

. perfect my pie crust

. make my own clothes

. make the best halloween costumes ever for my children

. live in the country

. grow a garden

. get in my car and just drive somewhere. anywhere.

. live in France.

. fly to the moon. seriously.

. buy a press so i can do printmaking forever.

. go back to Yueyang.

. name my daughter Autumn.

. write a children's book.

. have a high-ceilinged library so i can have ladders on wheels! and big comfy chairs. i can see it now.

. become a vegetarian

. See these concerts: Radiohead. Broken Social Scene. Coachella. Joni Mitchell.

. Maine.

. Go on Pilgrimage again. hopefully with my future family.

. finish learning Bach's Prelude in C major

. finish learning the rest of the Amelie songs on the piano

. wake up my kids at 7 am and drive them to disneyland. like my mom used to. best surprise ever!

. send a message in a bottle.

. fly in a hot air balloon.

. really become fluent in French. and Farsi.

. write a screenplay. or a book. or both

. run a marathon and a triathlon

. take a train from china to india.

. visit central park in autumn. and in spring.

. see Andy Goldsworthy's work first-hand.

.... so many more!

how the Butterflies in 10,000 stomachs flew Together.

if i were to try to describe this evening i would be unable to find words remotely accurate.

think: Unreal. Phenomenal. True. Unbelievable. Moving. Majestic. Perfect. Priceless: but all these are inaccurate.

Tonight. i was in the presence of greatness.

To think of how i got here. to think of how someones music could bring me here. is to truly believe i have a soul. because something surely is ascending.

.

Getting Here.

the wait was unreal. imagine waiting for something you are so unbelievably excited to witness. and then as it nears, your anticipation increases to the point where you don't even want this Thing to happen because its beginning would only precede its end. and the thought of that is heartbreaking.

As the show started I became more accepting of the fact that this would end. for a few reasons: i couldn't wait to see how i would feel after this. i was ready for something to knock me off my feet. i was in need of something to pick me up and cradle me and this music does it best.

i won't describe every moment of the concert to you but i will offer this.

things i experienced/realized/felt/witnessed/cried about/miracles:

• i gained an official set list from a random security guard. (fulfilling half of g's daydream)
• chris noticed all of us singing along on Lost and when he heard us he stopped everything and sighed. he said, 'that was so fulfilling can we please do that again?" they backed it up and we all sang together again. AHHH
• he forgot his lyrics twice. it was real and human and beautiful and i loved him even more.
• they ran up to the nose bleed section to sing yellow. all of them. together. drums. guitar. tambourine. and vocals. as tears streamed we noticed the two grown men on each side of us crying too. it was arresting. this is why they are amazing. who has ever done this?!
• i felt completeness.
• in regards to tonight's audience: chris says, "now i'm going to tell you guys something we really mean, sincerely, but i'm going to say it in a the language of starbucks so i hope that it doesn't diminish in significance. guy was explaining to me the difference between tonight's and last night's audience and why he thinks this one is better and he says 'i think last night's audience was a grande, and tonight's is definitely a venti." AMAZING
• they have their first encore and i'm thinking this couldn't get any better.
• and then it did.
• the butterflies that were undoubtedly flying in all of our stomachs somehow flew out and the entire stadium was filled with glowing butterflies. magic.
• they finished their (first) encore and i had to get to the front. so i walk up to the section in front of ours and ask the guard, "can i pick up those butterflies?" he allows. then g comes to join and i start to beg and plead "can we please go to the front? you have no idea how big of a fan i am?! please they are my favorite! i love them so much!" he replies, "you can stay here." pointing to where i'm standing. g tells me to stop asking him. and as he turns around to answer someones questions g grabs my arm and we run to the front. 
• we are standing SO close to them. SO CLOSE! and they are playing my favorite song off the new album, Death and All His Friends.
• at first i can't stop smiling. my cheeks are in so much pain. i haven't smiled like this in a very long time. g later informed that the man standing next to me looked over at me and as a result smiled. that's how big my smile was. how wide my eyes were. how enchanted my heart was. all of a sudden tears were streaming down my face and i was shaking. i have dreamed of being this close to them for so long. i had doubted if they were real until now. incredible does exist.
• to be amidst 10, 000 people at to all feel the same thing and to all cry and scream and sing together is a taste of unity. and that's what happened tonight. and there was no better soundtrack to experience this to. 

(you may be reading this and think "its just Coldplay. its just a band. its just a concert. its just music." but. no. it isn't. its SO much more. and i hope that someday you will experience what i have just felt and still feel.)

"no i don't want a battle from beginning to end

i don't want a cycle of recycled revenge

i don't want to follow Death and all of his friends"

-Coldplay

GREATNESS

tonight.

i am in the presence of GREATNESS.

you have no idea how excited i am.

...

did i mention how excited i am!?!?!

SO UNBELIEVABLY EXCITED!!!

or by the sea, like me she had a dream to fly

Phosphorescent Sea, M.C. Eshcer, 1933

"people will tell you where they've gone

they'll tell you where to go

but till you get there yourself you never really know"

Amelia, Joni Mitchell

boomp3.com

...

the real things.

last night as i drove i saw that the sky was a beautiful i hadn't noticed before.

traces of day were scattered across its inky blue terrain. (a patchy twilight).

maybe day forgot to pick up her pieces.

maybe night didn't mind.

maybe day and night are both tired of the continual chase.

i thought of all the people i haven't met. and i want to meet.

all the people i have met but i don't talk to. and wish i would.

all the people i know well but don't know better. and i wish i did. or do.

i drove to Encino. a place i've spent weekends and weekends of my youth. with friends|family.

and now i'm just here to drop off my car.

i walked into a bookstore. the bookstore where i discovered Gibran and finished Tablets of the Divine Plan and bought books for China and met up with friends and dreamt of futures.

i sat down at the poetry section. familiar names evoked emotions.

Lorca. i saw a friend read you my senior year and i looked at your pages and i didn't understand you. i don't think i know the things you've known yet....

Eliot. when i first read you i had so many things to say but you left me inarticulate. remember how i bought pages of you and as i read you i wrote down everything that came to mind? and i would take you everywhere. to see my words next to yours. and to unravel your metaphors. sigh. and then i lost you in china. and i see a copy of you every so often like i did last night. but i can't bring myself to buy it. because it doesn't. it won't feel the same. you understand right?

cummings. i have so many things to ask you! why do you like your name lower cased? if its for the reason i think, then i love you even more. and why do you understand the things no one else seems to? and why|how do you take the words out of my heart and put them on paper? did you know we share a birthday? i'm glad you exist. i'm sorry it took me so long to find you.

when Ava came to pick me up. its like she knew where to find me. where else would i be in the bookstore?

we drove to Santa Monica and met up with friends. 3 times now i've visited the trees that drip with lights. i can't seem to get enough of them. enchanting and magical.

then to the beach. and familiar entities evoked emotions.

air. how is that you impact me? when you are thick and hot i hate you.   l e t h a r g   i c. like a bad dream. when you are thin and cold you make me feel so unbelievably real! tonight though. tonight you were perfect. the perfect balance of dream and real. of warm and cool. like you conformed for me.

sand. i stood on your shoreline and let your friends, the waves, meet me. they took parts of you away from under my feet and i sunk deeper and deeper and deeper and. it felt amazing. i looked out at the midnight skyline and thought of all those that have stood here at midnight in the past and let you slip out from underneath them to feel deeper and deeper and deeper...

ocean. my feet are so thirsty for you. i think they think i need you. they are correct. you are a place to abandon unwanted things. for that i am thankful. tonight you were the perfect place to offer Words.

...

on my drive home it was hard for me to keep my eyes open.

it wasn't that i was tired. i just felt like it was time to close my eyes. the senses tend to interfere with the evolution of thoughts. or the rhythm of my beating heart. i wanted to close them so i could hear better the music on the stereo. and feel better the security in the air.

...

i don't know

dancing lights

...

I Don't Know.

...

things i want to be. getting it all out before i'm ready to tie these shoes

a dancing light. fleeting and mighty.

"i want to be like water. i want to slip through fingers but hold up a ship."

a wave

a cloud

a mother bird

a firework

a kaleidoscope

a handwritten poem

a love letter

the strings of a cello

a piano

mostly though, a tree.

...

what it is.

it is not that it is impossible

it is just flirting with unbearable.

but the rain reveals herself

and slates become blank.

i guess the unsettling message i received

was somewhat of a precursor to it.

heavy air on shoulders.

eye loads. but the sun also rises.

they said it best,

"the tear is famous, briefly, to the cheek"

"i really don't know clouds... at all"

just because you know it is going to happen

doesn't mean you know what is going to happen.

and besides the rising sun and the rain that heals

it is nothing but unnerving.

the problem with waiting for the future.

driving home

...

and how my perceptions were tuned to identify memories unremembered..

words (and sounds) that enhance:

• autumn (the whispers of falling leaves)
  
• any word narrated by the piano. (especially those spoken in crescendo and fermata)
  
• the words(and laughs) cried from crashing waves. 
  
• any words whispered by trees (ones i've heard: fly. takeitin. yes. no. trust. speak. cry. dance. sing. love. love. love.)
  
• the words(sighs|prays|yearns|wishes) that float upward in silence in Shrines.
  

...

finding titles for the sections in my brain i've somehow gathered, organized and built over the last 3 years..

titles i would use if i needed to entitle something:

• The Life of The June Bug
  
• Ivy Crawl|Brick Wall
  
• The Profundity of Snow
  
• Take It and Fly
  
• What It Means To Be An Only
  
• Taking It In: And Other How-tos
  
• What Happened When I Abused Sleep
  
• Spilling Beans
  
• And Then There Was Now
  
• Learning What it Means to be (this) Human

...

things that ease the shakes or why breathing becomes easy..

a (short) list of things that make me so happy:

. when things begin with "and"

. korean bbq

. last night when i played the piano with the lights out.

. words!

. thesaurus

. revelations.

. museums.

...

the problem with waiting for the future..

so i realized something very important today.

a revelation i suppose.

if i wait for the future to happen it never will. because when it gets here i will be waiting for something else. in the future. so, what i would be waiting for i would never experience. so, now is very important. etc. etc. etc. does this make sense? it makes so much sense to me.

...

things i might ask..

choosing to live inside art:

Something by Rodin. maybe a dancer by Degas. or a birch in Klimt's Birch forest. or! a girl in Renoir's Two Girls at the Piano...

where i'd go first if i could fly:

A cloud. i'd love to see the birth of rain.

(where i'd go second:

as close to stars as i can get. maybe even further.

 where i'd go third:

next to birds. "how do you make the most of this power?"

Say anything.

for the first time in my life i am accepting these shoes.

when i can feel the draw of time:

too often.

what soothes it:

dreams. words. faces. and arms. Faith. Tablets.

...

why breathing becomes easy..

things that give me hope:

. seeing people in museums.

. that the stars come out at night.

. words.

. your existence.

. that this ends and whatever is next blows this out of the water.

. the finger print i found in the Getty.

. Eternal Sunshine.

. Joy.

. faces.

. arms.

. might: power and possibility

....

to: ava because i've never had such an incredible time at a museum. "you:GOYA! me:what?! you:GOYA! me:what? you:Goya! they have GOYA!

me:GOYA?!"

experiences: the norton simon

the Branchini Madonna, 1427 (detail)

....

Things I Wrote Down While I Was at the Norton Simon Museum:

Things I Would Like to Have Been:

. a sculpture by Degas. perhaps "Woman Arranging Her Hair" or "Arabesque over the right leg, left arm in line"

. a cloud in Courbet's seascape, "Marine"

. the thoughts in his head as Degas captured "The Star: Dancer on Point"

. one of the heads in Klee's "Two Heads"

. "Bust of a Woman" by Picasso, but only for a moment, it makes me too sad.

. a circle in Kandinsky's "Heavy Circles"

(what Kandinsky has to say about the circle:

"Why does the circles fascinate me? it is:

1. the most modest form, but asserts itself unconditionally,
2. a precise, but inexhaustible variable,
3. simultaneously stable and unstable,
4. simultaneously loud and soft,
5. a single tension that carries countless tensions within it.

The circle is the synthesis of the greatest oppositions. It combines the concentric with the eccentric in a single form, and in equilibrium of the three primary forms [triangle, circle, square]. it points most clearly to the fourth dimension.")

Great Titles:

Possibilities at Sea by Paul Klee

Sappho Recalled to Life by the Charm of Music by Louis Ducis

i would like to walk around in Sam Francis's, Basel Mural I. it looks like snow i would find somewhere in outer space.

i am so thankful that van Gogh used color to express emotion. so thankful.

how come ever since i fell for Rodin i feel like i have a relationship with all sculptures?like they speak to me in inaudible whispers.

what happened when i looked at these: the thoughts in my head:

The Branchini Madonna by Giovanni di Paolo: WOW! (swell of emotions). is this the first time i've felt such a reaction to a painting of this subject? yes. i think it is. look at how she holds Him! look at how she is sitting on Earth but is reaching up to the Heavens! look at the wings of those angels! (i begin to walk away) no! (i walk back) WOW!

Seven Folios from a Ragamala Album: music is being depicted as love. is this what union feels like? (the seventh one says this: "Vibhasa Ragini celebrates love in union and is played at sunrise, when birds first begin to twitter. A couple tenderly embraces as the hero prepares to shoot an arrow at a rooster on the roof to prevent morning from coming.") sigh.

Night by A. Maillol: this is the perfect title. for many reasons.

The Star: Dancer on Point by E. Degas: she's on stage but it looks like she's dancing on clouds! i want to dance on clouds. you can't even fully see her face and you know she is thrilled...

....

wow.

things: fists.

the life of a fist.

...

things{

update:

i am not only learning what it means to be human

i am learning what it means to be this human.

eyes.

what a phenomenon it is to look at|into someones eyes and swell with emotions. to see into a corporeal object and fathom|recognize|understand the beheld as a soul. intangible. fragile. precious. i have had strangers come up to me and comment on them. as if they weren't just commenting on their appearance but what lies under their depth. (more from strangers then from familiars. what does that say?)

i looked at them in the mirror today and they seemed brighter. ready for life. what does that say?

a memory:

at 2 years old i was making a fort for my toys. the main element was the piano bench (which to this day is heavy). i apparently lifted it up and placed it on my foot. my dad asked if i was okay, and i wouldn't let him touch my foot. he took me to the emergency room and sure enough it was broken.

regardless. the piano bench is still my most favorite place to sit.

realizations:

1. the only dream i've had of a person who has passed was of danny.

2. until recently i wouldn't let go of material things if i had associated them with memories and good feelings. e.g. the scrapings of plaster from the ceiling of our first home, i cried when we had to move. the mismatching plate we had that i wished all our plates looked like that grandma would serve peanut butter toast to me on when she'd visit...

3. i am not alone in my emotions|feelings|thoughts. thank you.

4. time is a horizonless desert.

5. but although i loathe time i am thankful that it ticks. because the present gets unbearable.

unbearable.

6. songs that soothe. a few:

chicago by sufjan stevens

this must be the place (naive melody) by talking heads

almost anything by coldplay

da da da da by broken social scene (5 minutes just to hear that tedious piano)

between the bars by elliott smith (e.s. got it)

whatever mark kozelek sings

phone call and bookstore by jon brion

song for you by alexi murdoch

...

7. there is a feeling i have felt once truly (i think?). and it is a feeling that floods the spirit, the heart, the stomach, the hands, the eyes, the feet, the mind, and the soul. when it is born it intends to live forever. forever. it emits. warmth. an energy that floats under noses and around the corners of faces, capturing the attention and being of its victims. it drifts under hands and as it wanders the hand makes a fist. holding on for dear life. if experienced under moonlight, life is clearer. stars shine brighter and with every breath you levitate.

if the feeling is forced to cease things feel colder. noses find themselves aching and the corners of faces tingle without notice. hands can no longer make fists. clarity becomes opaque. thick. hheeaavvyy. breathing is over exaggerated and it hurts. hheeaavvyy.

8.

whatever these are, they are in a group without title. (a sufficient one has not been thought up yet, let me know if you think of one.)

untitled

1. when eyes meet and without words. nods. smiles. question. doubt. everything is understood.

2. the moment(s) where i thank you God for this most amazing day by e.e. cummings is the perfect inscription to life

3. when the feeling never meets cessation.

4. when you need the rain and it appears

5. when your question finds an answer

6. when looking into eyes causes emotional-swelling

7. the way the stars look on a certain field in a certain santa cruz.

8. the fireworks and the fireworks

9. the profundity of snow

10. when whatever hand your dealt can be dealt with

11. effective words.

12. (also, when. titles enhance the contents. paintings induce tears. hearts are strung together....)

13. the homeless man on the corner of hill right before you enter the freeway...

14. elatedness. (genuine laughter. a little door of understanding opens when i read Prayers & Meditations. arms. when music sweeps you up cradles and wipes your tears with kisses.)

15. walking through the streets of foreign cities. alone.

16. accomplishing goals.

17. what you see in the corners of your eyes. (sometimes)

...

“How do you know if you are going to die?”

I begged my mother. 

We had been traveling for days. 

With strange confidence she answered, 

“When you can no longer make a fist.”

-Naomi Shihab Nye, Making a Fist