thoughts as i sit on a bench shaded by a redwood tree.

i'm always thinking of how i got here. here. i didn't work very hard. and my mind is always in other places. but here i am, and its no coincidence. i'm sitting on a bench under the shade of a redwood tree. people are dispersed on the field of grass before me, some playing the guitar, Damien Rice to be exact, others are reading. studying. some are talking. some are sleeping. others are dreaming.

this year has already proven to be difficult. i am more busy than i have ever been before. i love that but i am slowly learning what it means to manage, prioritize, focus, and how to say no.

new ways of thinking are being presented to me. rather i am practicing new ways of thinking. rather i am thinking in ways i never have before. and i am thinking about things i have never thought of before.

for the first time i feel confident enough to disagree with my professors, the content of the readings, the things my peers say. there's a fine line though between disagreement and dismissal/refusal. and i am trying very hard to stay on the disagreement side.

i have a midterm tomorrow that i don't feel prepared for. its not that i don't understand what the teacher is talking about, its that i'm nervous that i won't be able to regurgitate everything i've studied and absorbed up until now.

yesterday i decided to explore the library. (i haven't done this in so long). i really started going to libraries my senior year of high school. there was one two blocks down the street from my house and i would go there after classes and just sit in the aisles and read. when i got to college i spent all of my breaks in the photography and art section of the library. that's where i discovered Andy Goldsworthy. i've only been to the reading room of this library, so yesterday i walked through the stacks. i decided to enter a random aisle and it happened to be the aisle of all of the photography books. amazing.

i tried studying there but i was too tempted to read all of the books so i moved down stairs into a secret desk beyond stacks of Russian literature which subdue the chitter-chatter from the lobby.

i can't express how blessed i feel to be here. to be surrounded by so much. so so much.

i'm overcome by this quality of eagerness. i'm on my tiptoes looking ahead. my fingers are fidgeting and i can't wipe the smiles off my face. tomorrow could never arrive too soon.

"it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

and i'm dreaming too. i'm wide awake but i'm dreaming. 

"girl in college disrupts entire library unknowingly"

so.

i have officially and finally embarrassed myself as a college student.

yesterday i was in the reading room of Shields Library, sitting at one of the long tables in the middle of the room. the library was pretty crowed but also pretty quite.

i decide to take a break from studying and watch something online. so. i take out my earphones, and turn on the video. i'm listening and watching this song online for a good two minutes, until i look up and notice that people are looking at something. so i try to see what they're looking at and they're all looking in my direction. so i turn around and they're still all looking in my direction. i'm like what the heck are they looking at? then i look down and realize i never plugged in my earphones.

i never plugged in my earphones.

i.d.i.o.t.

the tables of people next to me were just watching me to figure out when i would notice what i had done. and when they realized that i had realized what i had done, they started dying of laughter. the guy at the table to the right of me actually pointed and laughed.

i muted my laptop and apologized for my stupidity. and got back to work. with a tint of red in my face.

30 minutes later. a girl sits down at my table, opens her laptop and starts watching a tv show or something. without her earphones. ok. mine was on complete accident. but shes making all this noise on purpose! i start freaking out because i think people are gonna think its me again! so i look over to the table on the left of me, and everyone has their jaws dropped. with this expression that reads "are you kidding me?!" i look at them and mouth, "it isn't me!" and they start laughing. and then i start laughing and i don't feel like such a fool anymore.

hilarious. i wish someone would have taped it and put it on youtube or something. 

disaster.

states i am striving towards|where i find(found) myself|where i want to be.

signs on the waterfront, WA|2008

....
states i am striving towards:

glass - the quality of total and complete clarity; the faculty of having an inside that shines outward; the necessity of having a clear chamber in order for light to shine through.

water - "i want to be like water. i want to slip through fingers but hold up a ship"

silence - thoughts appear when words are not spoken; words are heard when thoughts do not speak; there is a wellspring of wisdom where silence is heard. "the essence of true safety is to observe silence..."

strength - it is not hiding under grains of sand; nor underneath leaves... its found in climbing up the Mountain; its found in swimming through the Ocean. its what is made clear as the world gets larger and i feel smaller...

...

to: being guided places you didn't know you needed to be. to being guided to pages you didn't know you needed to read. to openness. to acceptance. to learning to be silent. to bike rides at midnight through an almost silent almost dark campus. to trees dancing. to opened windows. to notes written in Books i had forgotten about until now. to not holding back tears. to you. to. you. to me. to existing. to being able to laugh. to being able to sit down in the mess of things with relaxed shoulders and a smiling face. to "it'll be ok". to acceptance. to the sounds created that wrap around my heartstrings. to heartstrings. to breaths of air. to exhaled breaths of air that carry with them the former.worn.obsolete. to inhaled breaths of air that bring with them new.fresh.hopeful. to wide-eyes - yours and mine.

it just has to click sometimes.

i've just entered the world of studying

it closely resembles what i imagine a black hole would look like. but instead of black it it is just pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages etc.......... of information.

i knew this day would come. and now it has.

the only appropriate thing i can think of to say is: goodbye!

tuning (on very low volume): 

I'm Good, I'm Gone - Lykke Li

français.

here's how i feel about le français en ce moment.

-je déteste le français.

-je pense que le français devrait être plus facile.

-je souhaite que quelq'un fasse tout ce travail poir moi.

-s'il vous plaît?!?!?!?

bon nuit.

au revoir.

ugh.

stones i step on

traveling through consciousness. finding answers. inspecting them and analyzing. questioning density and mass. weight and affinity.

how does this hold?

from the placing of a heart into a glass case to the discovery that if it wasn't put back into it's place, it wouldn't grow. from the holding on to heart to the ability to let it breathe. inhale love. exhale love. inhale love. exhale love.... from crying eyes. two stars seeing 'the real world' for the first time. to seeing what Real really looks like. feels like.... from last words uttered in regret to the gift of snow. a blessing of renewal and hope. the bestowal of reevaluation. starting over. from the unexamined mind to the desire to appreciate every bit of consciousness. [pppplllleeeeasssse! Please!!!!!!]

inhale love. exhale love.

inhale love. exhale love.

inhale love. exhale love.

inhale love. exhale love.

inhale love. exhale love.

inhale love. exhale love.

inhale love. exhale love.

inhale love. exhale love...

autumn shades

ten things loved:

 1. this fellow. best idea ever. future husband: please take note of this.

 2. this makes me laugh

 3. this is a good idea too!!

 4. because i always wonder what it looks like inside their houses anyways.

 5. their sounds: m.ward, ray lamontagne, bon iver, sufjan stevens.

 6. bicycle gangs. i saw one yesterday on campus. i wanted to belong.

 7. walking to my mail box

 8. my dreams. they teach me things.

 9. the trees here in davis are magnificent.

 10. my autumn shades mix:

Tiger Mountain Peasant Song - First Aid Kit

Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson

Run On - Moby

We Are All Made of Stars - Moby

Jolene - Ray LaMontagne

I'm Good, I'm Gone - Lykke Li

The Penalty - Beirut

Mykonos - Fleet Foxes

Your Protector - Fleet Foxes

Lakes of Canada - The Innocence Mission

Lucky Man - Sun Kil Moon

The Light - Sun Kil Moon

Knives Out - Radiohead

stones we step on.

dreams and other souvenirs from that world.

-how i haven't listened to chopin for months.

its like unplayed pianos. its painful the first time back. not because you don't like it, because its the saddest thing in the world.

-why its hard to say what i really mean.

because i can never find the right words anyways. because where do i even begin?

-how the dreams have cycled.

the last dream i was with child. in the beginning it was in wrapped in a sash, wrapped around my body. head on my heart. i would look down at it every minute or so, making sure it was still breathing. but i would never see it. then at the end, i pull away part of the sash and see its tiny face. it has piercing blue eyes. like stars. it was mystifying.

-why i miss museums.

i need to be surrounded by Them. the Ones who found the hidden staircase and decided to climb it and show us what they saw. and how they saw it. and why it was worth searching for that staircase.

-why i float.

why wouldn't i?

-why i float.

-how to ask for things that are normal but seem abnormal.

-ways to find home.

stars. compasses. increased heart beats. twitching grass. fingers pointing. number of open arms. number of books. volume of music. number of pianos. accessible and remote.

-times i almost fall.

every moment

-times i've fallen.

see previous.

-how to make it go away.

close your eyes and wish really hard. then, when that fails. open your eyes and look Up.

-why the trees are precious.

trees are made of what you hide. they protect everything for eternity.

...

things loved

weird reflectors next to the train station that i love. davis, ca

things i love about Davis:

.the plethora of trees. they're lush, they're diverse, they're beautiful.

.the boyfriends that are on their skateboards, going really slow as their girlfriends walk next to them. matching paces. too precious.

.the farmers markets. amazing.

.the cherry tomatoes.

.raspberries.

.plums.

.the best olive oil i've ever had.

.figs.

.the co-op. amazing. and extremely over priced but amazing.

.my bike. i love it soooo much. its a beautiful peugeot. my mom got it when she started college.

.the wind on my face as i ride my bike.

.my roommate.

.office thursdays.

.that one night we went to the top of the parking structure and raced with our bikes down.

.pluto's salads.

.Feast.

.making yummy food. i just made some amazing pesto. mm.

.the redwoods outside my window.

.being surrounded by eager, environmentally conscious, friendly, open, learned, diverse people.

.Baha'i club.

.saying prayers with my roommate before we sleep.

.walking to get the mail.

.the yellow scarf samin just gave me.

.that i can hear the train every single night.

.mastering turn-a-bouts.

.the fact that i can take a nap in the quad. this huge landscape of verdant grass with many trees to be shaded by. beautiful.

.making friends.

.the art gallery on the corner of A and 1st. amazing.

.my new found love for Arrested Development.

.the remoteness but also the accessibleness. its really perfect.

.the prospect of spending a day in San Francisco.

.riding my bike at night.

.finding pianos.

.those weird 30 feet reflectors that are next to the train station. they look like vertical rainbows....

love.

21 years ago today.

i was born.

it was my first birthday here in Davis. and it was amazing.

to have so many loving people around me celebrating my birthday with me, people i don't even know very well, was a truly beautiful feeling.

i feel loved. and thats a very good feeling.

life is good.

love.

words

i am struck with the feeling of wanting to write but not knowing what to.

so...

'anticipated nostalgia.'

read this in a william stafford interview. he was talking about his poem 'Next Time'. finally. words for feelings. also this is my favorite of his poems. (its towards the end)

there's a lot of things i don't understand.

i think where i am is here: content but reflective. its a good place, full of noticing, and i'm kind of sponge like, and i actually am starting to appreciate the sun.

mistaken for stars.

hmmm. this is marinating....

faces.

so many. so beautiful. i miss them.

the best...

conversations are had in cars.

............................................................

twirling turning changing

it sprouts green and it looks up.

and it looks up.

soaking sponging becoming

a part of the light of the sun.

take me there.

places you'll find me:

...

there's a place i used to dream about.

i remember because it always looked different

but i knew it was the same. happiness.

i think i'm there. and i had no idea it would look like this.

this good.

...

the first thing i notice about autumn is the burst of yellow in trees.

a sort of fatigue. a "we've been working so hard" display.

but nothing short of beautiful.

i think we get there too.

i think i might be there.

i think you might be there.

you're turning a little yellow from fatigue.

but nothing short of beautiful.

...

if ray lamontagne's guitar was a bridge. and his words the wind and his sounds the river flowing. i would be sitting on that bridge, with my hair in the wind and my feet twirling in the water.

...

new point.

i see paths through these trees.

once i was told 'i hope our paths cross again.'

i choose to hope that our paths meet, 

continue parallel, and hopefully someday merge.

the trees are a little brighter then.

...

on the first page of that Book,

like sweeping sand off of hidden paths,

i'm wiping dust off of your words.

...

love.

moment:

its 70 degrees outside right now.

the wind is fierce.

the leaves are being forced off their stems.

but the sun catches them in time for me to see soaring gold flakes.

its beautiful here.

how to build stairs:

goodnights | 10.2008

...

1o. how to build stairs:

its a life task.

you start once you realize you need them.

right after you learn you'll never fly.

(when i learned i could never fly, i felt like i had been and then suddenly fell.)

you start unknowing of what to use.

feathers were my first choice. bad choice. i kept faltering. like that dream i had...

then leaves. but i stopped to wander too often.

glass ones too. but i broke them once, and people saw.

9. my window is open. this is beautiful. because my home in LA was too old, most of the windows didn't open. it was awful. but this window opens, and i am right next to it. and i sleep with it open and it makes the blankets useful. i love it so much.

8. 2 minutes ago a man in a nearby apartment was laughing hysterically. he was laughing so hard and with so much sincerity i started to laugh. it was ridiculous.

7. i got to talk to a good friend of mine for a long while this evening. why i love our conversation: because they move from point to point to point to point and they never bore me. its always interesting. i am so blessed to have a life overflowing with incredible humans who are always engaging me in thought and contemplation. thanks kamruz!

6. tonight i watched arrested development for the first time. o.wow! this show is amazing!

it really does take me longer with the good ones...

5. another way to measure my life:

time it takes to realize the good ones, examples: broken social scene, ray lamontagne, fleet foxes, arrested development, metric, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind....

4. i get to go home this weekend! i miss my lovelies!

3. i learned my first life lesson for this chapter, and its so embarrassing i don't want to share it on the world wide web. but, lesson learned.

2. 5 paragraph essay in french: not as bad as i thought. still pretty bad though.  must start to think in french. je dois commencer à penser en français. je devrais écrire un blog en français!

1. things i've done that really confirm this new chapter:

sang 5 karaoke songs in front of people i know. this is harder than in front of strangers.

made some friends.

bike everywhere.

make decisions without telling anyone.

cook lots.

life is soooo good. geez.

love.

tuning:

there is a specific playlist right now:

Autumn

Jolene - Ray LaMontange

Your Protector - Fleet Foxes

Between the Bars - Elliott Smith

Skinny Love - Bon Iver

Passing Beauty - Kelsey Bulkin

Mykonos - Fleet Foxes

Be Here Now - Ray LaMontange

Grapevine Fires - Death Cab for Cutie

Pink Moon - Nick Drake

Backyards - Broken Social Scene

Empty - Ray LaMontagne

He Woke Me Up Again - Sufjan Stevens

String Quartet No. 16 in F, Op. 135 - Beethoven

English House - Fleet Foxes

The Penalty - Beirut

(exhale)

love. serious love.

what we mean

how to get here:

spend an evening in deep.

take down the brick wall of fear

with my voice. its happening.

how long have i been a bud 

on the stem of what life?

how'd we get the sound of sadness?

the chords that tickle melancholy.

blue and grey and purple and yellow.

because you cant know joy without pain.

and i can't know hurt without hope.

wide skies and lullabies

i want tomorrow to look this good.

i want. there's only so much a book can read.

tomorrow rises and i'm just falling.

does the butterfly ever part from her cocoon?

so.

i have trouble finding words when i need them most.

the word 'so', when spoken from me, is much more than a filler. it is all those things that are floating|running|swimming through my head that i can't put into words. so.

ways to feel greater than:

. listen to someone sing and play guitar. the combination of vocals and strings is not of this earth.

. eyes. find them. lock them. remember them. 

. take fears. open trash bucket. throw fears. close trash bucket.

. sing karaoke. often.

. notice trees. and love them.

. leave notes of love for strangers.

. appreciate to the point of tears.

.....

the beautiful challenge:

climbing up the mountain.

...

how did i get here?

from sitting on a pile of feathers

listening for signs in song, in prayer

in voices not there.

from friends with tear-stained cheeks

and the look of empty eyes. wells.

i've been to there and back again.

to there, where clouds hang just high enough

they're out of reach.

and i begin to believe stars are playing tricks on me.

to the death of life. a cold that pierces mind spirit soul.

but then the bringing of snow.

and renewal somehow becomes possible.

tangible. and i decide that this path was meant to be tread.

these feet were made to tread it.

these eyes were made to see.

these tears to water the earth.

hands to hold books of prayer.

and then i see the sun differently.

not untouchable, but Untouchable.

the Life Star.

and i am okay.

things i hear

"its a hard parade just

be courageous." 4:09 PM, today

"Rely upon God,

Trust in Him,

Praise Him,

and call Him continually to mind." 9.27.08 on a bench in a forest next to a sweet little angel.

"chase what you were after..." last night, 20 times over and over and over and... today again over and over and over and...

california birds chirping to my autumn playlist. around 4:30 PM, today

a band practice. around 4:30 PM, today

a natural chord: the vibe of heartbeats at the bottom, with the drone of the church's air conditioner somewhere in between, and the trill of a city's cricket populace hanging at the top.

a few rhythmic pulses every now and then: the click of someone's bicycle gears the hum of a car coasting past}going home. now.

what do you hear?

love.

al

p.s. happy 100th post!

what you get when you hear the right things.

...

time and time

and time again.

mistaking circles for wheels.

wheels for cages and

suddenly i can't see.

i always wanted to be a bird.

i had a dream to fly.

suddenly i want to see.

sifting through these stones.

which ones gonna shine?

....

a new goal: to try to put into words that feeling. that feeling. more than happy. moved. brought to a place unseen before. where the sun is a bright i've never been so blessed to soak up before. who needs dreams....

i've just heard one of the most beautiful songs. an anthem it is. from a soul that glows so bright its impossible to not be touched.

and i am truly blessed. to have such radiant souls shining and soaring in my life. to have redwoods outside my window in addition to an autumn breeze. to see the things i see, like the leaves on east quad sailing through the air as the sun illuminates them - like falling stars. or the bluest sky to hit my eyes. and to think that we were all born with the capacity to be more than what we are. to think that it gets better. and to understand that the tests are to magnify our strengths so that we can climb up this beautiful Mountain. i've got a smile on my face....

who needs dreams....

...

tuning: passing_beauty