Letter to Someone i wish i had known better...

Dear,

my headaches:

with each throb breaks off a piece of my brain or skull or both. and i can feel it disintegrate and enter my blood stream. in reaching my blood stream, my entirety aches. and trying to sleep only magnifies the pain. i should wake up my mom because she could stroke my pain a way with her palms on my forehead (the only channel through which i could sleep as a child).

closing my eyes only creates tears. and suddenly all i can think about is december 31, january 1, 3, 5 and 7 - the all-encompassing pain and numbness that rivals the feelings of pure elatedness, comfort and sureness i had felt those same 5 days exactly the year before at exactly the same place (is shocking). a sort of dismal and blue full circle.

"please visit."

please visit me. please visit me and 

distance. effort. my relentless questions. part of me(hope) left when you said you had to go. 9 o'clock! new year's eve! you were so distant and i tried so hard to keep you their with us in the dark with the quesadillas, the candles and my questions. 

news. i assume the 3rd is when it happened. and the 7th is when you helped it snow. and more importantly, connected hearts.

.....................................

life is short but the days pass slowly

thank You and thank You.

i'm sure You planned it ever so.

with the tow of days

we are given the chance to learn, discover, change, grow, improve and then some.

And the brevity of life

 - a Gift.

love

oftentimes i attempt to wrap my head around something(s). mostthetime i fail miserably. thank God. If i were to fully understand something what would be the point of each day? of using my brain? of the soul's quest? of relationships? of progress? of forward? of anything?

i think about love... always, and come to multiple conclusions. 

1. love is the most momentous, earth-shaking(think of more adjectives) conception ever. i mean seriously! when something makes you want to expound forever It must be Amazing.

2. i love it. 

3. "ye were created to show love one to another."  ye were CREATED TO SHOW LOVE one to another. YE WERE CREATED TO show LOVE one to another. YE WERE CREATED TO show LOVE ONE to ANOTHER.... and suddenly life makes more sense. 

3 1/2. but there is a reason it says "show." because the words "i love you" mean nothing if they're spoken - that's personal, that's for the person saying them. showing love is what matters because that's what displays and manifests the love - showing it.

4. The Four Kinds of Love: 1. The love of God towards the Self and Identity of God. 2. The love of God towards man. 3. The love of man towards God. 4. and the love of man for man (because we are creatures of God). "These are rays from the Sun of Reality..."

5. I believe true love is the simultaneous inward and outward flow of Warmth from the heart.

6. "love is touching souls"

7. love is the homeless man telling me, "you know, we're all the same" as tears swell up in our eyes.

8. love is giving without expecting to receive.

9. love is when the Sun promises to rise again and does.

...

"A lover is he who is chill in hell fire

  A knower is he who is dry in the sea.

Love accepteth no existence and wisheth no life..."

 - Baha'u'llah, The Seven Valleys and The Four Valleys

Great moments (that call to me still from the past)

a few, in no order:

Auntie's house, Orcas Island, WA November 2006/August 2007. my aunt taught me new tricks for life. in return i baked her a hand-picked blackberry pie. in return she introduced me to Rilke, Roethke and Stafford, helped me appreciate Klimt in a different way, and told me i needed to know all the rules before i could break them. and, of course, she taught and i learned that gray(which now triumphs in beauty) begins with equal amounts of the primary colors, then white as needed.

Bed, Holiday Inn, Haifa, Israel, January 13, 2007. the first dream in a long period of dream-dry-spells and the single most meaningful dream i've ever had in my life. i became a lone dolphin in the sea....

Yueyang, China, July 2004: when we pulled up to Fuyue and all of my expectations and assumptions ceased. The students ran, greeting and welcoming. I felt unity unalloyed.

my room, breakdown, usa. 2005ish. when i discovered the Tablet of Ahmad and read it over and over and over and over and...

Shrine, Bahji, Israel, January 2007. completely overwhelmed. my soul, my heart, my thoughts my throat, my lungs all at once, drove out every tear within me...

Palace of the Legion of Honor, San Fransisco, CA April 2005. the discovery of and instant love for Auguste Rodin. his sculptures are figures just waiting to break open 

the trailer, NABI, Houck, AZ, December 30 into December 31, 2006 (and into January 1, 2007). the conversation of good stuff to Great Stuff to tears, then to all of us in unison grabbing the prayer books, then discovering Prayers & Meditations. i think i gained 5 brothers that evening.

Martha Root Hall, July 2007. The circle of hearts. each one spilling All the Love it had to offer to the others. I think that moment was the purest form of love i've ever seen.

Ms. Weavers's poetry class, Spring Semester, Junior Year, 2004. The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock by T. S. Eliot. thoughts, ideas, questions provoked. parts of my brain opened up that I never knew existed. suddenly i "dare[d] [to] disturb the universe[...]"

Bean Town, Sierra Madre, CA May 2008 (right now). Listening to Chopin's prelude in D flat major. finally finding the words to express how i feel most/all of the time: limited but limitless. with wide-eyes, a pocket of hopefulness, and the walking, breathing form of ridiculous who will be eternally awestruck.

....................................................

and now some poetry...

Next Time

Next time what I'd do is look at

the earth before saying anything. I'd stop

just before going into a house

and be an emperor for a minute

and listen better to the wind

or to the air being still.

When anyone talked to me, whether

blame or praise or just passing time,

I'd watch the face, how the mouth

had to work, and see any strain, any

sign of what lifted the voice.

And for all, I'd know more-the earth

bracing itself and soaring, the air

finding every leaf and feather over

forest and water, and for every person

the body glowing inside the clothes

like a light.

William Stafford

------------------------------------------------

to life- altering events.

tuning: True Love Waits by Christopher O'Riley

ultraprecious gems/jewels/pearls OR bits and pieces so dear to me that my heart beats faster and the space between me and everything else harmonizes

hands

the autobiography of my loved ones (scars)

the autobiography of strangers and familiars.

the physical medium

flowers (all of them at the same time)

looking into eyes

Dialogue

Prayers & Meditations

constant and Pure and instantly healing

the Answers to my questions

the cause of questions and answers

Blankets. Armor. Remedy. Certitude.

the thought of making constellations out of freckles

star gazing

always prompting a feeling of complete inconsequence, humility and minuteness, yet complete worth, significance and purpose.

physical, emotional, spiritual contact

the appreciation of a human being's existence (Love)

love. "ye were created to show love one to another." everybody all the time.

empathy

leading to reciprocity leading to trust leading to faith (sometimes enriching Faith). mirror neurons.

trees

the parallelism of their roots and branches

the diversity and individuality of their leaves and blossoms

their generosity

regal yet humble (like purple)

magnificent yet simple

redwoods and the myriad of metaphors that come to mind

patterns they make against the sky

when music sweeps me up and carries me

armor, maps, thesauri, novelty, harmony. float. oxygen and blood.

my dad's guitar. my mother's voice with the dulcimer. phonecall. bookstore. amsterdam. suite no.1 in g major. sun will set. lull. prelude no. 1 in c major. see you soon. le moulin. Ya-Baha'u'l-Abha, Ya-Ali'u'l-Allah.

the moon

and the dreams she hatches.

light. guidance. perspective.

improvement

from A to B consciously, helping me get to C with more and More

climbing up the hill

autumn. autumn. autumn.

when Art surpasses my 5 senses

floating. dynamic suspension

when Love graces my 5 senses

children

innocence, wide-eyes, hopeful, pure, passionate, love, literally: bundles of joy. motherhood.

the periodic table of elements

everything material, physical and tangible in it's smallest from. it only intensifies and solidifies my faith in God. it's so amazing...

the serenity of the beach at night

the heaving of the sea

the climactic wind

a tangible dream

the attack on all my senses and the simultaneous creation of a whole new, unfamiliar set of (better) senses

Rain

cleansing, purifying, protecting, life-giving, reigning, amplifying, prompting: chants, odes, poetry, love, life, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, ballads, promises, romance, devotion, prayer, service, caution, risks... rhythm. lullaby. Seattle. driving with the windows down, music all the way up, singing, crying. autumn. death. birth. growth. blossom. freshhhhhh

the piano

everything else ceases to exist. and then... birth. creation. history. appreciation. tears. levitation. oxygen. blood. unity. harmony. ladders. constant.

butterflies

outside - rare floating beauties

in my stomach - the guarantee, conviction, seal-the-deal, certainty (sometimes Certitude), confidence that i've encountered something EXCELLENT.

dreams

rare. like butterflies. but vivid when present.

souls connected forevermore. like when i dreamt of someone's real emotions.

maps for future choices. lessons. soundless music. 

poetry

minimal, real, sensational, honest truth. love. the lassoing of imagined and unimagined realms. color and movement. more than just these words. more than just those/these words. jewels. striking, effervescent jewels disguised as dulled silver graphite/black ink script. more than chat. messages(tablets) from the heart. and the heart caring enough to verify with the eyes, the feet, the hands, the stomach first. leading to the whole of someone spilt and divulged. 

words:

eternal, supplicate, yearn, glean, love, manifest, amazing, please, future, intense(ity), fulfilling, oneness, harmony, autumn...

Others

Trust. strangers and familiars. love. blood. connect the hearts. china. NABI. redwood roots.

how precious it is that God has given me the gift of living in This world. to experience beauty and movement and love and hope and faith and color. to walk. to dream. to talk. to sing. to hear. sight. smell. feel. and to think you get to too. that makes you precious. ultraprecious.

eternal sunshine of my childhood's mind

boomp3.com

when i was a child i believed everything was alive and thinking. i would look up at the clouds and think

"they are so high up there. They are greater than i am. what must They think of me? i need to learn from Them."

they wouldn't reply. i would think

"seeeee! SOoo great they are!"

then They would rain and even greater They became...

at night, the flowers whispered secrets to one another.

"did you see the one with the pink biker shorts on?"

"oh yeah! she really needed to blow her nose!"

and they would giggle together as they swayed in the midnight breeze.

the books in the library were so lucky! volumes crowded together. keeping each other warm. contact. I would walk through each aisle, not neglecting one of them. i had to look at all of them. i would run my finger across their spines. like pets. they were more than pets, they were my friends. i would find a few to "read" sometimes. i would collect 5 or so and stack them in front of me on the table. i would get so excited, but try to fight my lips from smiling.

"lips! we're in the library! shhh!" 

then i would open one book and look through it's pages. every corner, word, punctuation mark, number, image, tear, pencil mark, food stain... i wouldn't read them though. i was there for the books, not for the content...

as the sun set, the trees would wake up for a brief moment. they would stretch out their branches towards one another and call,

"come, take my hand. let's watch the sun set."

and together they would watch the horizon swallow the Sun - their provider of Life. and i would lean on the trees - my Pillars - and settle myself under their branches and leaves - my Shelter. my provider of Life.

each balloon was different. a different color, shape, height, string... some swayed to the right others to the left. some stayed close to the floor. i would always keep my balloons until they died. folding them properly and wrapping their string around them then gently placing them in the garbage can... for balloons needed care just like any body else did.

the saddest thing i ever saw were the balloons that were let go of. off they flew into the sky getting smaller and smaller...

"but where do they go?!"

...

"will they be safe?"

---------------------------------------------------

at 5 i had the most vivid dream that i could fly. I was standing on the couch in my living room (my then huge - now small living room), i looked straight down at the ground and with my arms reached out horizontal, i jumped and soared through the room-the room increasing in size as i soared, as my daddy prepared dinner... That dream was so real.

A while later I remembered flying and how good it felt. So, I climbed up the couch, reached out my arms, this time looking straight ahead, confident, and jumped. I crashed into the scratchy rude coarse dream-slaughtering powerless carpet . crashing with me, my confidence in flight.

---------------------------------------------------------

to innocence and wide-eyes.

bouncy ball bedlam

sometimes, i feel this is what my mind would look like. tiny, colorful, bouncing balls. each ball representing a thought or idea.

bravo sony bravia, bravo...
------------------------

to each one of my tiny precious colorful balls of thought

tuning: time to pretend - MGMT

Thoughts

• desire and fear in my life go hand in hand. and i think that's a message...
• in the beautiful challenge that is life, it's very hard to elevate the beautiful
• my thoughts are more burdensome than things projected from the outside world (=sad)
• prayer is detox for the mind, spirit and soul, for that i am thankful

-------------------------

to all my unnecessary thoughts, please begone.

tuning: heroes - david bowie

my tiny vices

Maria had that right idea when she harbored in the von Trapp children on that stormy evening to sing about their favorite things. The best pick-me-up for fear, sadness, frustration and anger (for me at least) is to think of all of my favorite things.

So. these are a few of my favorite things:

• smiling strangers
• rain and wind and snow and clouds
• NABI
• blogging
• the smell of books
• accomplishing goals
• balloons
• the pattern branches and leaves make against the sky
• watching the grass twitch
• taking everything out of my purse ,cleaning it and putting it back inside
• take-out and a movie
• Japanese paper
• ranunculus
• improvement
• inside the ocean
• coffee
• printmaking
• Haifa, Israel
• the overwhelming feeling i get walking into a library, bookstore, or Ameoba
• roadtrips
• sleepovers
• midnight snacks
• the piano
• mes amis
• the inevitability & necessity of unity (and that somehow, hopefully, i get to be a part of it)
• being a woman
• my cameras: fisheye and actionsampler
• making this list.

You should make a list of your favorite things too. it's quite fulfilling.

love.

-----------------

...to all of your favorite things.

tuning: Seven Swans by Sufjan Stevens

oh! and...

this video makes my heart smile.

#50.2 - Sufjan Stevens (MusicNow) - The lakes of Canada
Uploaded by lablogotheque

Look for me another day
I feel that I could change
I feel that I could change
There's a sudden joy that's like
A fish, a moving light
I thought I saw it
Rowing on the lakes of Canada

Oh laughing man, what have you won?
Don't tell me what cannot be done
My little mouth, my winter lungs
Don't tell me what cannot be done
Cannot be done

Walking in the cirlce of the flashlight
Someone starts to sing, to join in
Talk of loneliness in quiet voices
I am shy but you can reach me
Rowing on the lakes of Canada
Rowing on the lakes of Canada

Oh laughing man, what have you won?
Don't tell me what cannot be done
My little mouth, my winter lungs
Don't tell me what cannot be done
Cannot be done

Rowing on the lakes of Canada
Rowing on the lakes of Canada

Artsy...

So. I'm in this printmaking class surrounded by talent and it is the most intimidating thing ever. I remember on the second week of classes I got the courage to walk up to one student and ask if I could see his sketchbook. Mistake #1. 

This sketchbook should have been hanging in the Met! The pages were drenched in color and ideas, images were popping off the pages. So. I look around and realize there is not a person without a sketchbook except for moi.

That day after class I headed over to an art store. I was determined to start my own museum-worthy sketch book. Mistake #2.

I don't know about you but sketching is the hardest thing ever. Don't get me wrong, my imagination runs wild all day every day, but when I attempt to transfer the images, ideas, thoughts in my head onto paper I can't (confession: actualizing things is one of THE hardest things for me to do). My "sketchbook" may as well be called The Unfinished Ideas Book. Every page holds something started and never finished (hey, kind of like my life). At first I was extremely frustrated. I started skipping class (don't tell my ma and pa) and heading over to the Norton Simon to find some form of inspiration from someone else's creativity (today I actually told my teacher I didn't show up a few times because I felt my creativity pool had dried up so I went to the museum - he laughed and said that's fine - phew). 

FYI- if you haven't visited the Norton Simon, you really should. It's hard to believe how prestigious it is in the art world. Hosting works from Courbet, Degas, Monet, Matisse, Picasso, Toulouse-Laurtec, Van Gogh and more! It's like having a little bit from all of the great museums in one but it's really close, and really cheap (students = FREE). Let's go!

Well, lately I've been producing somethings I really like! Here are a few of my prints:

this one is called Undone - as in, we should undo whatever inhibits our hearts from opening up more. let the love flow.

i actually was surfing tinyvices.com and came across this. i know, i know not original but i love this image and everything it evokes SO much.... I give ALL credit to Peter Sutherland.

i am obsessed with trees.

---------------------------------------------------------------

dedicated to: creativity and all his friends.

tuning: The Lakes of Canada - The Innocence Mission

Here goes...

So.

(I intended to begin this blogging business in the fall, when I transfer to UC Davis but I just couldn't wait... I started reading my friend Ashley's blog religiously (literally checking it twice a day in hopes of an awesome new story to make me laugh, cry, think, research...) and I became super interested in the idea.

Now all I can think about is, "wait, what if nobody reads my blog?" or "wait, what if people read my blog?!!" 

Whether it's viewed or not, what a great way to vent, share, journal, and document!

So... here goes!)

My life has changed/improved tremendously within the last year and a half.  I've traveled, gotten into an amazing university, strengthened my relationships with friends 

and my parents, discovered beautiful Words... But most importantly I've been challenged.

I remember being a child thinking that challenges and tests were curses that I could try to sweep under a mat. I've grown only realizing that the more I swept under the mat the greater the obstacle I encountered when walking across the mat. I've come to grasp that life is not only a never-ending challenge, it is a beautiful one. One may call that an oxymoron but I call it the Beautiful Challenge.

So. With these challenges my mind has grown, my outlook-expanded, my theories-revised, my heart-dilated, my skin-thickened, my eyes-widened, and my soul-strengthened.... hopefully.

In December, I started thinking about how specifics effect the general big picture. How one rumor changes the big picture, or how one glare changes the big picture. You know those commercials where the guy holds the door open for the child, then that child smiles at that lady, then that lady lets that dude into her lane, then that dude.... I was thinking of how that works with negativity.

Then I started freaking out. That's why we are where we are today. Prejudice, racism, sexism, road rage, desire, self, hate, stranger, materialism, take, ugly, and want have replaced pure Love, trust, give, accept, learn, grow, humble, familiar, unity, peace, care, beauty...

What if everyone in the world, at the same time did one selfless, kind and loving 

act to another? I think the world would be so electrified that no one would know what to do with it. It would be so beautiful and attractive and feel so good that people would want to feel that all day every day.

Love. that's all it is. Love is the appreciation of another's existence. The desire to be of service and of Servitude...

Love cures, feeds, heals, elates... love will solve everything that needs solving.

all want love. all deserve love. all should love. all need love.

.....................

tuning: Tiny Cities by Sun Kil Moon