on my mind...

1. people are so nice.

2. riding my bike is like the best thing ever.

3. this raw foods diet is probably the best thing i've ever done for myself physically. its amazing how quickly my body has adapted so fast. i haven't had a stomach ache in a long time. and i feel so healthy!

4. school is tough. but. i feel blessed that i got into this incredible university.

5. confirmations... sometimes i feel like i'm tested so that i can realize my strengths.

6. my mommy sends me letters in the mail. its the awesomest thing ever.

7. i'm starting to wonder if my Scottish philosophy professor may be Irish.... he said "Irish man" today and it sounded like he knew what he was talking about...

8. last night after the first Baha'i club meeting of the year, a few of us went to get some frozen yogurt, at a pinkberryesque place. (of course i just got fruit toppings... secretly i really miss yogurt and cheese!) then we went on a tour of the arboretum. its this beautiful and huge garden with a creek running through it and ducks, herons and egrets.... of course we rode through it at night, but it was super fun!

then! then!!!! we took the elevator to the top floor of a parking structure and rode our bikes down! S.O. M.U.C.H. F.U.N!

9. the ratio for this therapeutic-cleansing-raw-diet is 9 bites raw: 1 bite cooked. so. i've been eating A LOT of raw, so tonight i had some gormeh-sabzi. y.u.m.

10. life is wonderful.

11. also. i can't stop listening to Skinny Love by Bon Iver and Empty by Ray LaMontagne

ciao bellas

al

also

read these. they both brought tears to my eyes.

The Cab Ride I'll Never Forget

and

The Girl in the Window

sigh...

what to say..

i'm at that place where i don't know what to say. so much is going on and so many thoughts and ideas are blossoming, i am at a loss of words.

i knew that moving up here would bring about change and growth, but i had no idea what that would look or feel like.

those changes are finally starting to manifest themselves.

it is beautiful and exciting.

good feeling:

have you ever encountered someone who clearly appreciates your existence? maybe through a certain look, or words, or even actions you can tell that this person is truly validating your existence. you feel more than respected but cherished? i think that's what love is. the appreciation of another's existence. that is an awesome feeling.

love.

tuning: skinny love - bon iver, empty - ray lamontagne, quiet in my town - civil twilight, amsterdam - coldplay, pink moon - nick drake, chicago [acoustic] - sufjan stevens...

so.

here i am. sitting in my new bed. next to my new roommate. in my new room. at the end of my new hallway. that leads to my new door. that opens up to my new home. Davis.

so far a lot has happened. 

from the dance filled - "secret"taco bell roadtrip to waking up to a little "monstrous vermin" on my ceiling. (we appropriately named him Franz) i am enjoying myself very much and feel blessed to be immersed into such a warm community and surrounded by such wonderful people.

already, in the last few days my mindset has changed. i have a desire to be more natural in all things. i am practicing consciousness until it hurts. its weird. my mind and heart and soul are dipping into new waters. its exciting and promising. but i still feel like things have yet to be organized.

more later.

tomorrow is my first day as a university student! wish me luck!

these next 2 years are going to be incredible, i can already feel it...

kisses and misses.

al

i've been meaning to tell you.

Dearests,

it is important for you to realize now that you will never, ever, ever in a million years fathom my love for you.

life is beautiful. we get trees and stars. ice cream. magnificent books. we get sunny days and rainy days. we get to sleep in and we get to wake up early for something worth waking up for. and we get museums and tv shows that move us to tears.smiles.theedgeofourseats. moving movies and the periodic table of elements. parents. cute fluffy animals. perfect white tshirts. words. tomorrows. memories. dried flowers and leaves that when you see take you back to places you keep tucked in that special room in your heart. hearts. paris. central park. seattle. haifa. autumn. long xia. unagi. hot wings. dads pasta. fruit smoothies. journals. cameras. bookstores and libraries. blossoming flowers. prayer books. snow....

life is so beautiful. but.

but -

friends. friends only make beautiful more beautiful. i would bet that the adjectives that truly and accurately describe friends has not been placed on earth. i think they sit on clouds above stars. where wind sparkles and the sound of cello strings is the air. and footsteps are the strokes of piano keys. 

perhaps in some life i'll be able to put you into words that do a justice, but for now.

know that i love you beyond belief. and ill always have a place in my heart for you. i say that, rather than 'i hold you in my heart', because when i realized how much i loved you, you shined. and when you shined, i saw the outline of your wings. and when i saw the outline of your wings, i knew that no one could ever hold you down. no one should ever hold you down. not even i.

i am so blessed to have you all flying in my life.

i will miss you terribly.

with Love,

A

a few things:

growing flags|yueyang, china|2005

...

...

first.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

lasdkjfh lKJHD ;ADFH ; ;KAHD AEFHOIW #@%#$&^(*86(*697TIUTGMFJ^$^$@%$#%$%&^*!

second.

lists i'm making in my head:

.things i worry about (1 - ∞):

.titles that enhance:

.songs that surpass sufficient:

.why i love you:

.places.homes.cities i'd like to live in:

.how it will never be the same:

.songs you hear when you're sad:

.how to detach:

.ways to embrace:

.phrases that resound in my head:

.who i'd like to meet:

.things i need to see:

.what i see when my eyes are closed:

.what i see when my eyes are open:

songs you hear when you're sad

Alexey Titarenko | Untitled, (Crowd 2), 1993, 

songs you hear when you're sad

they say its not an end, but a beginning.

but i know that there is a sadness in beginnings different than any other sadness.

its the hushed, muted understanding that change has an invisible prefix ex. exchange.

where you must return this book before you check-out a new one.

or close this chapter before i begin the new one.

"We see the brightness of a new page where everything yet can happen"

i know that

though, i can't help but be flooded by nostalgia.

like starting a new life means giving up what i've lived. exchange

i've read before "so much i have lost."

and they've said "but look, so much you have gained."

the blessings are found in the difficulty of having somebodies to say goodbye to.

...

songs you hear when you're sad:

.the cry of raindrops. their descending chromatic scale. every drop lands on a different note creating a unique harmony

.the breaths of clouds. when overcast, they make up an atmospheric chorus of exhalation.

.the whisper of mountains. "it will pass like the wind" they murmur.

.and the wind prays, "be faithful like the mountains."

Lento assai, cantante e tranquillo

right about now someone's shadow is being cast.

yellow crawls in through their window

as their day reveals itself, mine is packing up.

right about now i'm swimming in obscurity.

black is pouring in through my window

and as i trip over boxes, i'm looking up.

tonight|today in silence we discover human.

fallible. weak. imperfect and erring.

staring at the stars

they're not just letters from the sky.

she likes.

she

likes: tv theme songs. dislikes: when songs are overplayed on the radio. likes: when she knows the composer of a song on 91.5 KUSC. dislikes: when people don't use their turn signal. likes: egg-in-a-hole. but dislikes: most breakfast food.  likes: traveling. dislikes: living out of a suitcase. likes: paper cranes. dislikes: driving through unfamiliar streets at night. likes: playing the piano in the dark. dislikes: unorganized book shelves. likes: organizing book shelves. dislikes: fake flowers. likes: the overwhelming feeling she gets when she enters a bookstore, record store, library, video rental store, bead store or flower shop. dislikes: savage garden. likes: celine dion. dislikes: The Scarlet Letter. likes: sleeping outside. dislikes: the cost of movie tickets. likes: peanut butter toast. dislikes: pickles. ew. likes: watches. but dislikes: wearing them. likes: that one time she toughed it out and kept on driving and as a reward saw the moon set and the sun rise at the same time. 

what are your likes and dislikes?

∞ things loved...

...

.tonight i walked 2 miles around a track that was lit only by the moon. that made up for the fact that i walked around a track.

.i have only watched  La Strada, one of my favorite movies, once for fear of it not having the same effect as it did the first time i saw it.

.i like this dialogue from La Strada:

The Fool: I am ignorant, but I read books. You won't believe it, everything is useful... this pebble for instance. 

Gelsomina: Which one? 

The Fool: Anyone. It is useful. 

Gelsomina: What for? 

The Fool: For... I don't know. If I knew I'd be the Almighty, who knows all. When you are born and when you die... Who knows? I don't know for what this pebble is useful but it must be useful. For if its useless, everything is useless. So are the stars! 

.i have the greatest friends in the world.

.i am falling more in love with yellow everyday.

.my favorite outfit forever will be: white t-shirt, straight leg dark wash jeans, flats, cardigan, and scarf.

.one of the most comfortable and pleasant things in the world is sitting in cafes reading books, writing in journals and thinking.

.watching movie trailers

.raw guitar and vocals that sound like they need to be heard

.skinny love - bon iver

.mini nilla wafers

.freeze tag

.being surrounded by friends and not feeling a worry in the world

.maps of the world

.words and Words

.∞

.colors

.feeling in colors. when people feel in colors.

.books of quotes

...

what time is supposed to tell

(over time it blooms into many colors. a visual spectrum|a mental spectrum.)

its starts out yellow. because yellow is always bright. and its noticed. it should be noticed. it is spring and fresh and in it is all hope and wonder. yellow is the sound of a baby's first laughter. the color of a first day of school. yellow are the stars (sometimes white, but that comes later). its the color of the sun with your eyes closed. and the breaths of summer.

it starts to blossom into green shortly after yellow. its so lush and verdant. but not yet seasoned. still too ripe to take too seriously. here we have the (mis)potential of envy. yet at the horizon it only sees chance. and although it stands naive and unworldly it holds nothing but eagerness, anxiousness, as it reaches for the rope of possibility. 

it soon moves into blue, a niche so misunderstood that some never face it correctly. in blue one finds their self. it is the corner of the spectrum where life unfolds from within, to reveal its many (heavy but abundant) gems (sapphires). you can even see it from her shades: sky blue, midnight blue, royal blue, electric blue... still here she is celestial, introspective, mighty and dynamic. the ocean (ideas. movement.) waves blue. dreams (revelations. beginnings. signs.) come in blue. rain (cleansing. growth.) releases blue. it is the place where Beyond unveils herself. the simultaneous power of weightlessness while still being anchored.

next comes purple. the fountainhead of splendor, majesty and regality. in here one doesn't just see beauty; one understands it, one becomes it. the stellarness of this color is so intoxicating, that when truly recognized, ones world is turned completely around. all things are made better and greater. in purple one's life gains purpose. and suddenly the road ahead dazzles and life has never felt so rich and plentiful.  but the wisdom of purple is that with abundance, generosity must follow.

red is the color of passion. all heightened emotions are hued with the color red. because of this, red is often misused. its intensity is misinterpreted as anger. but it is pure zeal. the vigor and the fervency that the sun enkindles is red. the warmth and energy of red inflames our hearts. which inflames the whole world. selflessness is the color of red. to have compassion is red. vitality (blood) is red.

white is the color we see first.(beginnings). before our hearts were red, they were white, (from sitting on the Clouds for too long). when you wake up from a perfect sleep you see white. when you close your eyes to close the perfect day you see white. white is the color of true friendship and love. it is the color of serenity and peace. it is the color of the moon and it sheaths all wonder and insight. a cocoon of dreams and wishes and optimism. (the greatest of all 'wide-eyes'). at night your dreams fly up to the sky. and sit up there white. unforgettable and pure. your pure and white dreams hover in the universe forever. glowing eternally.(ends).

"the things i want to say get stuck in my mouth"

...or my chest or my throat or my toes when they curl up because i'm to nervous to speak or they were never really thought of in the first place. because usually what i want to say i can't even form into words.

...

i closed my eyes today. and this is what i thought of.

summers at my grandparents house. floating in the pool for hours with my eyes closed. counting how many times a cloud passed by. or a bird. or a plane. making the sun's bright painful light i saw through my eyelids a few shades darker.

the lines of their faces. you have to study them every now and then. i have to study them every now and then. its one of the many ways of holding on.

the lines in my face. where they came from. how weathered i am. how much more weathered will i get? i'm learning to love weatheredness. it makes me and it makes you.

here are all the things i want to say:

.

its been too often now that i turn to my side to share a revelation. or a bit of joy. or a look-at-how-the-light-shines-behind-those-branches. or a do-you-think-anybody-else-has-felt-this-way-about-this-song. or a don't-you-want-to-ride-your-bike-in-the-rain-with-me? or a lets-go-buy-2-disposable-cameras-and-walk-through-the-city. and no one is there to share it. and calling.texting. even re-capping later doesn't feel the same. 

its 2:54 am and i rather sit in a comfy couch with oolong tea with good company and good conversation.

*title is a quote from The History of Love by Nicole Krauss.

places i've been

Andy Goldsworthy

...

the first thing that came to my mind is what it feels like to have the wind knocked out of me.

it feels different every time.

sometimes you feel stuck and you can't breathe. your insides can't fit air anymore. other times it feels like someone took a straw down your lungs and swallowed up every last bit of air inside. it tickles. you feel like your floating. maybe. but nothing resembles elevation.

its mostly uncomfortable.

...

for the past 20 years life has had a structure. a system of paths i followed. a framework of railways i've been intended to follow. 2 nights ago i moved into my new apartment.

hold on. let me deconstruct that...

i moved. into. my new apartment.

my apartment.

it is safe to say that this is the biggest 'thing' to ever happen to me.

it is also safe to say that i am terrified.

but mostly, i am excited (a word that i have been and will continue to overuse for a while now - all for appropriate reasons.)

all i can really muster to say is 'life is happening'

and it actually feels like that for the first time.

i've worked towards this moment for years. and it is two weeks away.

...

i'm back home now for two weeks until i move back into my apartment. this is a time of closure and goodbyes. but only temporary goodbyes.

...

have you ever?

woken up and wish you had tomorrow back?

you turn your head into your pillow and cry a little bit. because you can't believe you left it to waste.

felt your heart carve out a space for everything your leaving?

the process brings you to tears and you feel weaker due to lost breaths. but now they have a place to live inside you.

seen your parents in your peripheral vision watch you. taking you in. because their little girl is moving away? regardless of how long this moving away has been planned. it is abrupt. uncomfortable. and nobody knows if it will ever feel the same.

...

10 things loved.

1. summer:

left to right: flowers on Orcas Island, WA. unfocused  shoreline in Anacortes. ice cream stop in Denver, CO. crawling ivy Huntington Gardens Pasadena, CA. Aspen leaves after the rain, CO. sunlight through a redwood grove, Santa Cruz, CA. sprinting lights, Sunset Blvd. pool time, Santa Cruz, CA. wildflowers, CO.

2. pedicures.

3. last minute hang outs with friends.

4. good things ive seen, read, heard:

. the text message that read "Shut.      Up." for all the right reasons.

. Ave Verum Corpus - Mozart. talk about a song lifting you up, twirling you and cradling you.

. Bonnie Raitt's Nick of Time. sigh.

. Jeopardy: College Championship! i want to be on it so badly.

. conversation that doesn't involve politics.

5. Trader Joe's Organic Ginger Limeade. Y.U.M.M.Y!

6. places i'd like to spend my time: here. at a dinner table with sufjan stevens, moby, david byrne, and broken social scene. underneath here. there. and here.

7. wow. this is insightful.

8. hard workers - i know a lot of people that work really hard. its incredibly beautiful. in them you see unrivaled passion. tireless dedication. improvement. idealism. and the ability to inspire. thank you all.

9. words. some favorites: human. manifest. magnificent. gregarious. idealistic. abundant. pure. purple. mountainous. intense. harmonious...

10. project runway. uhmazing.

the stars have fossilized themselves into your hands.

...
infinity is two mirrors facing each other.

paintings beneath paintings.

looking at a painting and seeing the artist. (through a fingerprint)

looking at the painting and seeing the Artist.

if the sunlight were the father and the rain was the mother then the tree would be their child.

then the trees are their children.

...

look at your hands.

do you see the stars?

they have fossilized themselves.

we could put them in a museum.

your hands are magnets to these stars.

mecca. harbor. cove. refuge. sanctuary.

...

your eyes i've seen in their eyes

i've seen.

and our eyes i see are similar shapes

i see.

your head rests where their head rests

and your heart beats because it hears

hearts beat.

so we beat for one another.

listen.

{thump thumthump thumpp thump thump thuthumpmp thump thump thumpthumpthump ththumpmp}

they're all beating together.

its like a garden.

its like the shoreline.

its like the lattice of branches.

its like the family of leaves.

different but the same but different but the same but different but the same but different but the same but different but the same but different but the same different but the same but different but the same but different but the same but different but the same...

ramblings on everythings

why its always in my purse

...

1. if all creation is a reflection of God's beauty, how can anyone be ugly?

2. i love to hear what you think is beautiful.

3. when i say 'you', i mean all.

4. when i say 'i love to hear', i mean tell me.

5. i slept for 18 hours yesterday. i didn't wake up once. i don't like it.

6. i once abused sleep and dreams were taken from me.

7. there are quite a many ways the wind could be knocked out of you. none of which are pleasant.

8. i regret any amount of time where i look back and feel as though i floated through it and came out without gaining. 

9. i'm still deciding whether or not regret is something i want to even question.

10. i wish i could say i've read every book on my bookshelf.

11. i am addicted to books. the purchase of, the smell of, the look of, the feel of, the content within, the ideas provoked by...

12. i wish i could be a librarian and a curator and florist.

13. i wish i had the time and knowledge to garden.

14. a month ago i looked at water completely differently. for some reason it has altered my universe.

15. why am i so sure i will travel to the moon and beyond in my lifetime?

16. things we are made of, (maybe you didn't know): glass(hearts, lungs, stomachs...). stars(pupils...). salt('ye are the salt of the earth. if the salt has lost its savour, wherewith shall it be salted?'). rose petals(eyelids. nails...). wildflowers(hair. irises...)

17. i have realized that because i am an only my life is very different than yours. it always will be. but i have also realized that it is also very much the same. and it will always grow to be.

18. i am remembering to let go. to experience what it is like to have life. beauty. love. happiness flow through me instead of clutching onto it like lightning bolts i'm too afraid to let go of.

19. love is a mix tape.

20. i'm really practicing listening. i really want to do this better. sometimes i have to close my eyes or else they get in the way.

21. i need to climb more mountains.

why is ikea so amazing?

i could live there. literally.

all i know is

.that i just slept for 18 hours straight. i didn't wake up once.

.keeping the kaleidoscope in my purse is the best idea i've had in a while.

.fun is what you make it.

.today is a day of errands. ikea here i come.

.the last time i was satisfied with how i spent my time was the 8 hours i spent in New York last February.

.that i don't really know.

.that despite how much i don't like about this place, i am going to miss this place.

.i cry easily. i don't know if i would say too easily but definitely easily

.i miss orange hills, violet fields, and silver waters. with moons that follow.

.i could spend my time more wisely.