places i've been

Andy Goldsworthy

...

the first thing that came to my mind is what it feels like to have the wind knocked out of me.

it feels different every time.

sometimes you feel stuck and you can't breathe. your insides can't fit air anymore. other times it feels like someone took a straw down your lungs and swallowed up every last bit of air inside. it tickles. you feel like your floating. maybe. but nothing resembles elevation.

its mostly uncomfortable.

...

for the past 20 years life has had a structure. a system of paths i followed. a framework of railways i've been intended to follow. 2 nights ago i moved into my new apartment.

hold on. let me deconstruct that...

i moved. into. my new apartment.

my apartment.

it is safe to say that this is the biggest 'thing' to ever happen to me.

it is also safe to say that i am terrified.

but mostly, i am excited (a word that i have been and will continue to overuse for a while now - all for appropriate reasons.)

all i can really muster to say is 'life is happening'

and it actually feels like that for the first time.

i've worked towards this moment for years. and it is two weeks away.

...

i'm back home now for two weeks until i move back into my apartment. this is a time of closure and goodbyes. but only temporary goodbyes.

...

have you ever?

woken up and wish you had tomorrow back?

you turn your head into your pillow and cry a little bit. because you can't believe you left it to waste.

felt your heart carve out a space for everything your leaving?

the process brings you to tears and you feel weaker due to lost breaths. but now they have a place to live inside you.

seen your parents in your peripheral vision watch you. taking you in. because their little girl is moving away? regardless of how long this moving away has been planned. it is abrupt. uncomfortable. and nobody knows if it will ever feel the same.

...