unhanded balloons

A List of Things I've Lost

1. bed time

2. bed time stories

3. being unreachable (e.g. cellphone)

4. that blouse from london

5. some energy

6. most energy

7. the most precious piece of paper with the most precious words written by the most precious soul.

8. time

9. the minuet in g

10. relationships

11. some inhibitions

12. waking up at 7 on saturday mornings.

13. a little bit of care

14. a lot a bit of focus

15. a mini-ocean's worth of tears

16. m e m o r i e s

17. scores of things i told myself to never forget

18. a bit of logic

19. Dland on a regular basis

20. consistent dreams

21. arms

...

with that out of the way (i hope), it is essential to examine what i have gained.

sisters

joy and love

thoughts

Seascape (Cloudy), Gerhard Richter, 1969

...

loving a place because people breathed there.

loving people because they breathe.

taking people seriously.

when lack of words speaks in fortes.

"So come over, just be patient, and don't worry"

becoming more human.

welcoming humanness.

embracing the most effective way to carry forth human.

takeitin.

take it in.

t a k e i t i n.

the ocean. again. at dusk.

...

2:19 am

seascape|sea escape

...

to be here. to be now.

i am standing in a circle. the world is spinning around me.

i dare not close my eyes.

the rain is pouring. the rain|patience|detachment|humility|care is pouring.

my mind is frantic. my face is pale. my heart is shaking her head. my soul is whispering and i am trying to listen. but my mind is frantic.

take it in.

take it in.

T A K E I T I N.

time. i am fooled by you. rather, i blame my foolishness on you.

admit it me. i am foolish.

take it in.

i am grateful for the set sun. i can take each choice. decision.

hold it up to the moonlight. "how do you fare?"

"just because i'm losing, doesn't mean i'm lost."

the circle cracks. light gleams through. it wins.

i am floating on a bed of light.

whispers.

"take it in"

"good things come to those who wait"

take it in and let it live. give it home.

....

i went to the sea once for the sole purpose to free myself.

i placed my feet on the shore and let each tide renew me.

the sea knows my shape. it remembers.

it never disappears. the ocean. she sweeps the shore eternally.

cleansing. overcoming. surging. ablutions.

...

to be here. to be now.

i am scanning every corner.wall.ceiling.floor. 

this is old. throw it out. this needs to be reexamined. keep it in your pillowcase. you never used this anyway. toss. you've kept this long enough. share it.

cleansing.

paving. for bigger.better.lovelier.patient-worthy.softer.compassionate things.

and counting

time at hand leads to thinking.

so.

thoughts.

this is interesting

there are a million other places i'd rather be right now than here. a few: orcas island, santa monica beach at night with my bests, star gazing, le musee d'orsay, uri buri, haifa, ______, on the moon, summer vacation 2000...

incredible things that i can't wrap my head around. a few: the power and potency of words. the association of smells and memories. Love. flowers. stars, actually the time that i looked at the night sky and sobbed. the force that is music...

lessons

ready to embark.

.................................

i'm learning how to actualize

how to decipher and invigorate

the cryptic messages

communicated when my eyes can't interfere.

a secret world. intangible. mysterious. glorious.

a secret world that amplifies this one.

...

if someones work. art. words. music. light. insight. idea. being.

brings emotion and feeling to my being

should they know?

or do my tears.sighs.dreams.scribblesinjournal.attemptatsong.

float into that realm and soar alongside theirs? words unneeded?

...

there are lenses that let in unhindered light.

they come with a cleaning cloth

beauty(unsurpassable beauty) becomes the sole measure.

everyone measures up.

light so bright it penetrates the lids

leaving snowy spots on everything. magic.

these Lenses, i have learned, are worth saving up|working hard for.

...

i am learning

 what world means.

that hearts need tempo(s).

life gains when examined.

music is best in large quantities.

as are flowers

as are friends

 love breathes|reaches|achieves|triumphs when in action

that daring to disturb the universe is the only way to live

internalizing dominates reading.

how air is to be breathed

time should not be taken lightly. but should be spent in the utmost 

happiness.

consciousness was granted for a reason

that trees are to be admired.thanked.fathomed.

the world is not LA. and LA is not the world. thank God.

 what alex means.

...

divulgences.

_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

where i was right then?

i was at a place where i was

looking around me.

i was absorbing my surroundings

like a thirsty sponge.

studying faces and their ever-so-slight movements.

watching people and studying

the swing in the arms

the height of the head

the purpose in the step.

how can i be? how can i be? how can i be?

who am i? who am i? who am i?

where i am right now?

i am in a place where i am

looking within me.

the sponge is rung out

and i am b r e a t h i n g. fresh.

i am studying my soul

my heart

my spirit.

the beauty of the one flower

among the garden of many.

creating my own swing

my own height

my own purpose.

here. now.

i am.

...

i am. we are.

snowflakes

butterflies

unique flowers

limited editions

one time onlys

redwoods

#1 hit songs

daughters

sons

souls

...

happy endings

trees living where i'll be living

...

2 scenarios that i just thought of/happy endings

1. a."empty your pockets."

    b. in his hands are sticks of lavender, rose petals, and flying butterflies

1. a. it is late. she is turning the corner. her heart starts to beat faster and faster. she is afraid.

    b. she turns the corner and there are hundreds of colorful balloons floating and tea lights lining the road.

...

the new coldplay album has created a world of imagery i've never seen. i am remembering why i love music all over again.

...

things i used to be afraid of:

being the only one awake in the house

driving

being home alone

waking up and being the only person alive

the oven

...

Things that I have heard/read/seen in the last few days that swept me off my feet:

1. yesterday i fell in love with e.e. cummings.

i've known of his work for quite some time now.

but yesterday i fell in love with him.

here is what made me fall:

(i do not know what it is about you that closes 

and opens; only something in me understands 

the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses) 

nobody,not even the rain, has such small hands

e. e. cummings, somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond

2. TED.com: Ideas Worth Spreading
this site is amazing. check it.
3. Benjamin Zander: classical music with shining eyes
"...for me to join the B to the E i have to stop thinking about every single note along the way and start thinking about the long, long line from B to E. You know we were just in South Africa and you can't go to South Africa without thinking of Mandela in jail for 27 years. What was he thinking about? Lunch? No, he was thinking about the vision for South Africa and for human beings. This is about a vision. This is about the long line. Like the bird who flies over the field and doesn't care about the fences underneath."
"who am i being, that my players eyes are not shining?"
" 'i made a vow... i will never say anything that couldn't stand as the last thing I ever say.' "
 
4. Jill Bolte Taylor: My Stroke of Insight
this is beautiful.
"Information in the form of energy streams in simultaneously from all of our sensory systems and then it explodes into this enormous collage of what this present moment looks like, what this present moment smells like and tastes like, what it feels like, and what it sounds like. I am an energy being connected to the energy all around me through the consciousness of my right hemisphere. We are energy beings connected to one another through the consciousness of our right hemispheres as one human family. And right here, right now, we are brothers and sisters on this planet here to make the world a better place. And in this moment we are perfect, we are whole and we are beautiful."
 
5.
McSweeney's never ceases to amaze.
came across these and was laughing for hours. i particularly like this, this and this.
 

what the world offers: part i

1 stop at paula's pancakes in solvang, 1 coffee stop in gilroy, and 8 hours later i am walking through my future college campus. it is dead on a summer's sunday and my mom and i are marveling at its beauty. this will be home.

we pick up the new coldplay album (why it took me so long, i do not know, but its beautiful) and i fall asleep listening to it and thinking of what the world offers.

----

what the world offers

I.

Wind enters a still forest and 

weds the leaves. sparks of light 

and insight are born. a symphony

of rustling gives life to an audience.

Sparkle and sound together gleams. 

II.

Stars are set in the evening sky.

One for every soul that existed, exists

and will exist. they twinkle

as they breathe. absorbing

the Sun's left over Light.

III.

Water never ceases to dance.

In constant tempo, always

harmonizing with the Air. Waltzing

with it's visitors. i dip my feet

in and it remembers how to hold me.

...

----

i wake up. "haven't had a dream, in a long time."

but the one i had last night was intense. a reoccurring pattern: i have a dream dry spell and then i experience a dream of great potency.

the dream.

so. i find out i am pregnant (making this the 6th or 7th pregnant dream i've had in the last 3 years) and i am having twins. i find out quickly that my pregnancy is going to be extremely dangerous. the doctors tell me that there is an unbelievable percentage that i'm going to die. i am not sad though.

then i am with all my friends and loved ones. we are at a social gathering and we are all chatting and then i realize where we are. we are at my funeral. we are standing on the grass surrounding my grave site. but i'm not dead and i am still pregnant.

then. my mom and i go to the doctor's office to get the twins checked out, they're doing fine so we get ready to go somewhere. we drive down this street. it looks like a very run down neighborhood. windows are boarded up, wire fences are surrounding the blocks, and graffiti paints the walls. we find parking on this street and my mom points to a house. i say something like "yeah i would choose them as guardians, but you and dad are first." she smiles. and i say "that's if if i'm not here."

we walk up another hill of grass, and enter the home of some friends. I am talking to people and i see a little girl eyeing my belly, i wave her over and place her hands on my stomach. warmth is emitted into the atmosphere when she places her hands on my belly. i feel older in my dream. older and calmer. motherhood and death don't scare me. i then go downstairs to the basement where they have chairs set up facing a podium. everyone is sitting in the chairs and i see two of my best friends dressed in white and crying. their state of emotion looks bittersweet. like they are saddened but enlivened. then i stand in front of them and they are waiting for me to speak. i'm expected to give them my eulogy. and i'm not sad. i'm extremely calm.

then i wake up.

a phone call.

about 1 month ago.

"hey, alex it's dad"

"hey dad, whats up?"

"well this guy keeps on calling for you at the house. and he won't tell me what his name is and he won't let me take a message. he says he'll call back."

"really? how weird?"

"yeah, i just thought i'd let you know."

"ok thanks dad. is he young? like did he sound young?"

"yeah he sounded pretty young. maybe you know him"

"yeah maybe...ok thanks dad"

this morning.

"alex!"

"yeah dad?"

"remember that guy that called a month ago?"

"..."

"he finally called back!"

"when?"

"right now! he's on the phone right now!"

"uhhhh"

i pick up the phone.

"hello?"

"hi, alexandra?"

"yes, hi."

"hi my name is Sergeant ___________. i'm with the United States Army. how are you today?"

"i'm fine thanks how are you?"

"good good i'm good. well, what's new? what are you up to these days?"

"oh you know, just getting ready for school."

"oh yeah? are you still at pasadena?"

"oh no i'm transferring [how does he know this!!!]"

"oh yeah where to?"

"up north"

"oh right on right on... what are you going to study?"

"international relations"

"is that like sociology?"

"well, my program is like a combination of sociology, anthropology, and political science..."

"oh right on right on. my wife is studying sociology."

"oh thats great! its really interesting"

"yeah... yeah... so do you know how much college is going to cost?"

"yeah it will be pretty expensive"

"do you know how much the army can help out paying for college?"

"yeah, i heard they can pay a lot..."

"yeah yeah....so what do you see yourself doing in the future?"

"probably living somewhere and just serving how ever i can with the things i've learned"

"oh right on right on. you know, the army can really help you with your goals of international relations and serving the world"

"..."

"i'd like to sit down with you and  talk to you abut how they can help you."

"oh, thank you so much, but i'm not interested"

"why not?"

"i've never been interested in joining the army"

"why not?"

"i appreciate and respect a lot of what the army does but i've never seen myself joining it [and a myriad of other reasons i didn't have the guts to tell him]"

"oh. well, i know you don't want to join the army now, but maybe in the future."

"thank you for calling me, but i'm not interested."

"ok well, before i let you go, do you know anyone who is interested in joining the army?'

"no, i don't. have a great day!"

"ok have a great day."

take it and Fly: part 2 of 2

Birch Forest, Gustav Klimt

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because my dreams have taken an indefinite sojourn (so that i can't).

there are cranes hanging in my room that have been admired by generations. made by my aunt, for my grandmother, to ease the pain. 12 colorful cranes that summon your attention. no two are alike, although a pair of them are sisters. they now hang in my room reminding me. i look over at them now and they're dancing. twirling in silence. to the beat of their own hearts. i am twirling to the beat of my own heart too.

today i sat down and my heart raced. to keep up my mind raced and projected a thousand thoughts and images against the screen. i watched and decided which one complemented the beat of my heart best. birch forest.

my heart is tricky sometimes. i feel it knocking on my ribcage but when i place my hand to bar it from breaking out, she holds back. halts. she won't allow me to handle her. she wants me to endure her.

"listen to me. feel me in your blood. i am your metronome. conduct yourself in my tempo."

ok.

...

there is a symphony of almostsilence. the sound of a constant flowing stream. and the flutters of butterfly wings. and babies breathing. and birds collecting twigs for their nestlings. i am lying down on a floor of autumn leaves.

(how these leaves began and ended: in the earth. already alive in the seed. after years and years they finally manifest themselves. each one. they dance in the wind. sing in the rain. reflect at sunset. and glow in the night. when they are too old they prepare for their journey. they take one last dance. sing their closing song. pray at their last sunset. and in their final night they whisper "goodbye" and begin their journey. whirling back to earth. their glow becoming fainter and fainter and. landing on the floor that holds me now.)

i wake up and the sky is a yellowy-blue. like a turner sky. the crowns of trees slowly bobbing in the air. lack of gravity i suppose. my body finds a way to elongate itself. i am standing side by side these wooden structures. but i am not bobbing. i am not defying gravity. gravity is something that will never leave me. (remember? that one time gravity owed me one...) and now he won't leave. a curse. weighty

i shrink back. i close my eyes.

the sound of waves clashing with each other. crests jumping and diving. the sea cascading onto the glistening silky shore. the sound of the wind collecting sand. little rocks flying. floating. here i feel weightless. my hair suspended in the moistened sea air. the water drifting over my feet, lulling me towards it. the scent of the ocean intoxicating me.

before waking. sounds like.

the last 24 seconds of John Wayne Gacy Jr. by Sufjan Stevens

a pack of seagulls passing overhead

in it's entirety, glassworks: opening by philip glass

andvari by sigur ros

faint whispers

part 1 of 2

Nocture in Black and Gold: The Falling Rocket - James Whistler

If I could dream a perfect dream (i think) this is what it would look like.

------------------

people i would like to (have) me(e)t/be|been neighbors with/have|had as grandparents/make|made dinner for:

(in no particular order): Leonardo da Vinci, Galileo Galilei, Giotto di Bondone, Johann Sebastian Bach, Fredric Chopin, Sufjan Stevens, Joni Mitchell, Andy Goldsworthy, T.S. Eliot, Albert Einstien, Dave Eggers, Federico Fellini, Joel Barish, Amelie Poulain, Chris Martin, Thom Yorke, Mary Shelley, Auguste Rodin, Jon Brion, Antoine de Saint Exupery....

---------------------------

a few things that make my heart sigh: phone call by jon brion, the snow, washington park, AHWOSG, ginger, Whistler's Nocturnes, le petit prince, when i need the rain and it appears...

Things

Andy Goldsworthy 

one.

It is hot and the air is thick. days like these make me miss the rain.

when it rains i want to do things. walk, run, dance, drive... it summons me.

The rain and i go well together. like sunflowers and lilacs. like peanut butter and warm toast.

i must admit though, the flowers smell better in the heat. the scent of roses and jasmine find me in the heat. outside becomes a perfumery.

i walked yesterday and today. taking it in. home may lose its homeyness soon and i'd like to take it in. there is serenity in walking. innate and organic. spontaneous and secretive. nobody knows where i am for those moments. and there is a freedom. i can go anywhere. i can do anything. it reminds me of poetry. dancing. art. innocence. inspiration. . .

i've forgotten what it feels like to be a part of Earth. i|we spend so much of my|our time in my|our car|s and home|s that i|we forget what it means to be human. (i|we. actually just i spend so much time weightless. hovering above. not touching on purpose (because that would be too easy). i've got to float because i will feel|touch less so i can feel|touch more.) One with Earth.

"Nature in its essence is the embodiment of My Name, the Maker, the Creator. Its manifestations are diversified... and in this diversity there are signs for men of discernment."

I wonder what inspired Greats. Bach's Prelude for cello sounds like the life and memoirs of a garden. Chopin's Rain Drops is the sound of the clouds building up and pouring themselves. Klimt paints with beads of sunshine. blooming. moving. and tangible. Satie's Three Gymnopedies is the sound and sights and thoughts of walking. dancing. twirling. Eliot. Eliot's words are the dirt, the foundation and richness of things. birthing thoughts and ideas. leaving its|his traces.

I find myself appreciating classical music more and more. it's a strange attraction. aside from beauty, structure, form and grace. its the communication of Greats. the message from Grandfathers and Grandmothers that knew so much more than i do. teaching me lessons in patience. tolerance. efficiency. cohesiveness. majesty. excellence. outsideofthebox-ness...

two.

i have decided that these body parts go well together like puzzle pieces:

fingers interlocking

palm of hand to forehead

hand to back of neck

arms intertwined. elbows linked

head resting on the curve of neck down to shoulder

three.

static on the outside.

looking inside i see:

my blood is pushing on my vessels.

 it stands at the back of the room,

then runs, gains momentum, and pushes on the doors of my veins. 

do something!

my skin is resisting and i lay. sit. stand. drive. 

the world exists

and life is still happening. 

four.

books from my childhood:

swimmy. le petit prince. fairy tales by e. e. cummings. richard scary's best story book ever. that one book that i probably will never find the name of but really hope to. everything eric carle. charlotte's web. where the wild things are. goodnight moon. the last of the really great whangdoodles. mandy. james and the giant peach. the lion the witch and the wardrobe. the giving tree.

five.

bittersweet. i miss being a child. not knowing certain things. innocence and naivete.

but the very thought of re-doing 20 years = hell no. i like where i've gotten. despite now's collected burdens. and i look forward to next.

six.

more things that go well together:

me and Seattle (rain, markets, coffee, the ocean, clouds, public transportation: the ferry!!!, family, green, mountains, forests, whales, friendly people, galleries, flowers etc etc etc.)

me and my mattress. it is perfect and has never failed me.

grandma e and anacortes. i never knew one without the other, but it seems like they were meant to be one.

those nights when my mom is up late and stove-fresh hot chocolate. special.

buster's iced soy oregon chais and the so. pasadena farmers market. what a pair.

prayers & meditations and tears. i haven't experienced the first without the second.

trees and my arms

berries and pie

pie and my aunts

sleep and quilts. it just feels better.

...

seven.

i want every today to have an extraordinary tomorrow. today, i want tomorrow to consist of journaling, reading, coffeeing, photographing, and the beach. make it happen alex, make it happen.

eight.

an amazing experience:

summer 2003. orcas island, WA. deck. aunts house. i'm sitting with my cousins. we just watched punch-drunk love. we look out the bay window and the moon is huge, full and resting on top of the ocean. we decide to sleep outside on the deck that lies over the rocks that kiss the sea that beds the moon that conducts the water into a symphony that lulls me into the most perfect sleep i've ever slept.

nine.

sometimes i want to sleep just so i can dream. i don't dream those nights. i can't seem to stop that want. i haven't dreamt in a lot of nights. those nights become units of measurement for monochrome nights. i have measured out my life with colorless nights.

ten.

movies that have moved me:

eternal sunshine of the spotless mind, amelie, les quarte cents coups, l'argent de poche, le ballon rouge, la strada, spirited away, punch-drunk love, lord of the rings, turtles can fly, the lives of others, into the wild...

-----------------------------------

love.

summer plans/goals:

Summer is here! Here are a few goals:

Finish:

• The Kitab-i-Iqan
• Anna Karenina
• The Kite Runner
• The Alchemist
• The Book of Laughter and Forgetting
  
• The Best American Nonrequired Reading 2007

Start:

• A Separate Peace
• Another Country
• What is the What?
• any suggestions?

Go:

• crazy!
• LACMA 
• MOCA
• Getty Villa
• Hammer
• Body Works exhibit - avec ava
• Huntington Gardens
• the desert, well a desert
• climb a mountain
• go to the beach and swim out past where my feet touch (=scary)
• Colorado!
• the gym!
• BOSCH!!!
• seattle and orcas island, WA

Etc.

• eat less hot wings, i mean something that yummy can't be good for me... sad
• eat MORE pinkberry - it's down the street! come on!
• buy furniture for my apartment - whoa that sounds weird!
• take LOTS of pictures! LOTS!
• practice my cooking skills so i don't starve.
• goodwill my stuff!
• love more

Table of Contents: A (Re)Consideration

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Now That I Have An Obscene Amount Of Time On My Hands, I Am In An Analyzing Mood or Now That Change Lies Ahead I Am Considering My Past, Present And Future

Table of Contents

Part I

Emergence ........................................... 0 - 15

The very first picture taken of me in the first minute of my life outside of the womb - the passing of me around from various sets of arms - the emergence of strength: i pick up the piano bench at 2 1/2 and drop it on my foot: broken - time spent exploring the caves of my brain -  the embrace of grandmothers - the desire for siblings - K invites me to her party

Part II

I Am An Individual ..................................................... 11 - 15

Whoa, I can make decisions - too big to be held - mommy can you stroke my head so I can sleep - walked to school - whoa, i can make decisions - "you're not the boss of me" - ugh - mountain?! what mountain?

Part III

I Am A Part Of This World .............................................. 15 - ?

I accept It - Ruhi - The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock - music - music - Music - sitting in Martha Root Hall and feeling self slip from Myself, thank God - T S and S - when I felt music in my body for the first time - the breakdown - Tablet of Ahmad - P & M: LXXXVI - Pilgrimage: the experience that I am still unable to comprehend, therefore it was a Dream - the dream - the chance of NABI - 2007, in it's entirety - the profound meaning of snow - trust - the reevaluation of Love - i found the mountain - i started the climb up the mountain - i reached the point where the only view in sight were thick, dark grey, strangulating clouds...

Part IV

The Shed ............................................................ 19 - present

I realized at 19 and 3 months that i was new - i realized at 19 and 9 months how static felt - is this adding any value to my life? - i realized at 20 and 2 months what Love was - you can't fight hate with hate - "if they poison your lives, sweeten their souls" - i am at the point in the mountain where i am looking down on the clouds and the sun is shining up above...

Part V

Syndromes ..................................... Present(although gained from the past)

The IHateThePresentLetMeLiveInMyMemories Syndrome - The GiveThemBackTheyBelongHereWithMe Syndrome - The OhMyGoshIWillNeverCeaseToBeAmazedByTheMagnitudeOfBeautyThatExistsInThisWorld Syndrome - The What'sWrongWithMe Syndrome - The OftenTimesIFeelStaticAndDon'tKnowWhatToDoAboutIt Syndrome - The GodGiveMeARewindPauseFastForwardButtonINeedIt Syndrome - The ThisMomentIsProbablyTheWorstMomentInTheHistoryOfMomentsPleaseLetMeCeaseExistence Syndrome - The IDon'tWantToMeetTheFutureLet'sTurnTheCarAround Syndrome - The IHaveWideEyesAndIAmHopefulAndRidiculous Syndrome -  The IShouldLeaveItToGreatMusiciansWritersAndArtistsToSumUpHowIFeel.TheyDoItBest Syndrome...

Part VI

Amazement ................................................... kind of 19, but really 20

Amazing becomes a regular word in my vocabulary - the word gains meaning - the word gains examples - the word ceases its wordiness and becomes images and sights - the homeless man on the corner of Corson and Hill - the members of Art 23A - P & M - Apostle Smith - SSGSAMNKKKKK(+) - you...

Part VII

Things I Do:Gained ......................... (1-)Then, (20)Now, Next(-?)

i look up from underneath at least one tree a day - i take my earphones off if a good song is playing in the coffee shop - i kiss my cats goodbye - i look around often. taking it in - i forget to breathe and then i take a lloouudd deep breath - i play out situations in my head like a madman - i consider the future to be the most scary.beautiful thing - i am wildly attracted to things i can't relate to: reality tv, AHWOSG, etc... - i make excessive amounts of lists - sometimes, when i'm by myself, i just get the biggest smile on my face, it induces skipping and twirls - i cry a lot: movies, tv, commercials, words and Words, Music, gramps, mama and papa etc. the tears are usually good tears though. they are almost always necessary...

Part VIII

Signs ........................................................ A Collection

The falcon in the tree - the snow on 1.7.08 - the slipping of self from Myself in MRH 2003 - the circle of hearts MRH 2007 - the dream 1.13.07 - the Periodic Table of Elements - your existence - my existence - the green sky - the smell of cigarettes.peppermint - inside your eyes - that flowers are in different colors - that trees grow up and down|out and in - i realize myself and this reality in the vibration(s) of a piano key(s) - that eyes can lock and silence is spoken - hearts are connected by invisible|invincible ties...

Part IX

Yesterday|Today|Tomorrow ........................................ 20-|20|20+

There is a quality in now that i can't accurately describe. The magnitude of existing. I am hovering above myself with amazement and wide-eyes. I exist and I can't wrap my head around what that means. It is beyond amazing. It is a gift I feel unworthy to accept. I am You are S.He is. THAT IS INCREDIBLE! A quality of  Might: power and possibility. So much more than these words...

Now

i am happiest when...

.i am falling asleep in moving vehicles

.i am in the right backseat of the car seeing the sun race behind the trees and feeling shadows and light, shadows and light...
.music picks me up, cradles me, tosses me, dances with me, twirls me, strokes my head, and makes my heart sigh
.my cat senses i am sick and comes and sleeps on the corner of my bed
.sitting on the washing machine talking to my dad while he cooks
.watching movies and eating take out with my mom
.I know my soul is connected to S's soul
.G and i are thinking the same thing
.Samurai and i have tear-filled conversations about our souls
.quality time with Avar

.i'm experiencing Mons wit

.time spent with the "Brothers Kam"
.i'm inside the ocean
.i am on my way to Orcas Island, standing at the tip of the ferry
.i'm driving north on the 101

.in the pit of a concert

........................................

jack.

your fingers have become branches.

crooked and aged like a weathered tree.

despite their constant movement

a sign of the pain (i cannot comprehend) you endure

they are wise and stable.

they have delivered babies and have cured illnesses.

they carried my father - who carried me - who now wants to hold your hands.

ease the shakes...

this is hard jack. i have tears jack.

despite your weatheredness and your crookedness

you amaze me jack. i watched you eat tonight. i was taking you in. because time flies.

when i hugged you hello i heard the ringing in your ears.

when i kissed you goodbye your whiskers tickled my face.

today, you told me about your med school days. how you had a motor scooter that you would drive 30 miles everyday! sometimes with your sweetheart on the back... "who was your sweetheart grandpa? grandma?" "of course!" you said.

"putt putt putt" you said...

i thanked you for existing tonight, you laughed.

remember the story of the war, jack? how you almost were a paratrooper? you decided to be a medic instead, i'm glad. remember the first guy?

today, when we were driving home, the sky looked like grandma was here.

whenever i go to the ocean i think of her. and you.

remember the boat? you would take us fishing...

i love you jack. those words get tossed around but when i say them i mean them. and i love you

--------------------------

eyeloads and odes

Fransisco Goya, Sleep of Reason

---------------------------------------------

there are things that i told myself to never forget. i would see|hear|think something and repeat, "Alex, never forget this. never forget this." i find it tragic that i only remember telling myself to "never forget this." there are songs that were sung. the most beautiful songs to pass through my heart, i have forgotten... we're not clones. we are people. my eyelids are heavy. HEAVY. i can't shut them. and keeping them open adds to my already existent restlessness. eyeloads. the simultaneous feeling of weightlessness and weightiness. awful. painful. inconsistent. the changes that lie only a few months(!) ahead are provoking thoughts. pictures and emails. i am so scared that when my location changes, the people and things i love will never feel the same. how ironic it is. i crave change and even believe that i want it, yet when faced with it i am terrified. tonight i drove home and listened to kusc. i didn't have road rage, i didn't have any rage. i did it for my heart. my heart needed the sound of strings and keys. a smooth and subtle rhythm to lull itself back into beat. heart, you deserve more. dear song, i parked my car and finished you. i folded my hands to you. i left my seat belt(arms) on during you. you removed some loads off my eyelids.

----------------------------------------

Ode to Heart

dear,

years and only now do i realize what i've put you through. i have held my breath forgetting that you need air. i have forced you to make me feel unreal things. i have ignored you to feel unreal things. misuse and neglect. you should have ceased by now. and you haven't.

you keep beating even though i stop breathing. you persist when i force false onto you. you shiver when i ignore you. you are my constant, my endurer and my alarm.

i will take better care of you. i will pay more attention to your needs. i will let you out more. and let others in more. a cage is unbefitting. you are unfailing and good. you are to be shared.

you are warmth. because i am cold.

you sing and chant and cry your own songs. but you listen to mine too. have i listened to yours?

you will not have to adapt to my ways anymore. my ways are shortcoming and frail. and you lead to certitude. i will adapt to you.

i am sorry. i am sorry to have put you through pain when all you did|do was|is love.

we could learn from you. we should learn from you.

thank you for your existence. without you i would not...

------------------------

Writing Exercise #27 - Right Now - Reflection

I am a master at procrastination. I am a master of sleep.

Today I woke up 45 minutes before my last final.

20 minutes to get ready

15 minutes to get there

5 minutes to find parking

5 minutes to walk

crap. i forgot a blue book.

5 minutes in bookstore.

= a thank-you-professor-for-not-marking-me-late-on-the-day-of-the-final.

ta-da

it was the most intense 45 minutes i've felt in a long while. sad.

--------------------------------------------------

With the conclusion of my community college career I felt/feel very free.

like i've shed old skin and the new set of pores were open wide and ready to breathe in something new.

I took my time today.

I walked a little slower and a little longer. I ordered my drink "for here" and a side of berry cobbler too.

I watched the trains pass. before, seeing but one meant I had been in this place for too long. now. now i take it in.

I could feel stress crawling away. like a colony of ants. nothing to house them here anymore.

I ran into a classmate. We talked. I would have never known these things.

I am weightless and willing to stop and absorb. talk to me.

A Man walked up and said:

"a penny for your thoughts?

"tonight you will wonder, 'why did he talk to me? i can't believe he spoke to me.'"

i couldn't find words for some reason.

Apostle Smith. The corner of Broxton and Weyburn. he is kind and he loves Jesus. i do too, i told him...

i will miss LA. and tonight i felt strings connect our hearts. i felt my people. i've never felt that here before. or maybe i didn't let me feel that.

hearts are for using.

life is happening:

options:

1.stay static and life would still happen

2. [start] running

at the speed of Life,

because Life [has] already left the station

so [i] jump on where [i] [can]. Thank God.

3.sleep. NO

4. this life doesn't stop.

September is approaching quickly. a scary reality.

feeling:

like a thirsty man's canteen/weightless/heavy/knots in stomach/unprepared/AHWOSG/like i want siblings/real/unreal/the present is now the past/past/past/future?--------->/past!/20 years here./HERE/ i have measured out my life with coffee spoons/the biggest thing that has ever happened to me is happening/(why do i always want bigger?)/

saw this on a car tonight:

"i like it when its like this, and its like this now."

it made me smile.

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tuning: Vito's Ordination Song - Sufjan Stevens

dedicated to: Apostle Smith. A Man. THE Dance, only danced to shiny happy people - R.E.M.