eyeloads and odes

Fransisco Goya, Sleep of Reason

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there are things that i told myself to never forget. i would see|hear|think something and repeat, "Alex, never forget this. never forget this." i find it tragic that i only remember telling myself to "never forget this." there are songs that were sung. the most beautiful songs to pass through my heart, i have forgotten... we're not clones. we are people. my eyelids are heavy. HEAVY. i can't shut them. and keeping them open adds to my already existent restlessness. eyeloads. the simultaneous feeling of weightlessness and weightiness. awful. painful. inconsistent. the changes that lie only a few months(!) ahead are provoking thoughts. pictures and emails. i am so scared that when my location changes, the people and things i love will never feel the same. how ironic it is. i crave change and even believe that i want it, yet when faced with it i am terrified. tonight i drove home and listened to kusc. i didn't have road rage, i didn't have any rage. i did it for my heart. my heart needed the sound of strings and keys. a smooth and subtle rhythm to lull itself back into beat. heart, you deserve more. dear song, i parked my car and finished you. i folded my hands to you. i left my seat belt(arms) on during you. you removed some loads off my eyelids.

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Ode to Heart

dear,

years and only now do i realize what i've put you through. i have held my breath forgetting that you need air. i have forced you to make me feel unreal things. i have ignored you to feel unreal things. misuse and neglect. you should have ceased by now. and you haven't.

you keep beating even though i stop breathing. you persist when i force false onto you. you shiver when i ignore you. you are my constant, my endurer and my alarm.

i will take better care of you. i will pay more attention to your needs. i will let you out more. and let others in more. a cage is unbefitting. you are unfailing and good. you are to be shared.

you are warmth. because i am cold.

you sing and chant and cry your own songs. but you listen to mine too. have i listened to yours?

you will not have to adapt to my ways anymore. my ways are shortcoming and frail. and you lead to certitude. i will adapt to you.

i am sorry. i am sorry to have put you through pain when all you did|do was|is love.

we could learn from you. we should learn from you.

thank you for your existence. without you i would not...

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