Now

i am happiest when...

.i am falling asleep in moving vehicles

.i am in the right backseat of the car seeing the sun race behind the trees and feeling shadows and light, shadows and light...
.music picks me up, cradles me, tosses me, dances with me, twirls me, strokes my head, and makes my heart sigh
.my cat senses i am sick and comes and sleeps on the corner of my bed
.sitting on the washing machine talking to my dad while he cooks
.watching movies and eating take out with my mom
.I know my soul is connected to S's soul
.G and i are thinking the same thing
.Samurai and i have tear-filled conversations about our souls
.quality time with Avar

.i'm experiencing Mons wit

.time spent with the "Brothers Kam"
.i'm inside the ocean
.i am on my way to Orcas Island, standing at the tip of the ferry
.i'm driving north on the 101

.in the pit of a concert

........................................

jack.

your fingers have become branches.

crooked and aged like a weathered tree.

despite their constant movement

a sign of the pain (i cannot comprehend) you endure

they are wise and stable.

they have delivered babies and have cured illnesses.

they carried my father - who carried me - who now wants to hold your hands.

ease the shakes...

this is hard jack. i have tears jack.

despite your weatheredness and your crookedness

you amaze me jack. i watched you eat tonight. i was taking you in. because time flies.

when i hugged you hello i heard the ringing in your ears.

when i kissed you goodbye your whiskers tickled my face.

today, you told me about your med school days. how you had a motor scooter that you would drive 30 miles everyday! sometimes with your sweetheart on the back... "who was your sweetheart grandpa? grandma?" "of course!" you said.

"putt putt putt" you said...

i thanked you for existing tonight, you laughed.

remember the story of the war, jack? how you almost were a paratrooper? you decided to be a medic instead, i'm glad. remember the first guy?

today, when we were driving home, the sky looked like grandma was here.

whenever i go to the ocean i think of her. and you.

remember the boat? you would take us fishing...

i love you jack. those words get tossed around but when i say them i mean them. and i love you

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