Table of Contents: A (Re)Consideration

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Now That I Have An Obscene Amount Of Time On My Hands, I Am In An Analyzing Mood or Now That Change Lies Ahead I Am Considering My Past, Present And Future

Table of Contents

Part I

Emergence ........................................... 0 - 15

The very first picture taken of me in the first minute of my life outside of the womb - the passing of me around from various sets of arms - the emergence of strength: i pick up the piano bench at 2 1/2 and drop it on my foot: broken - time spent exploring the caves of my brain -  the embrace of grandmothers - the desire for siblings - K invites me to her party

Part II

I Am An Individual ..................................................... 11 - 15

Whoa, I can make decisions - too big to be held - mommy can you stroke my head so I can sleep - walked to school - whoa, i can make decisions - "you're not the boss of me" - ugh - mountain?! what mountain?

Part III

I Am A Part Of This World .............................................. 15 - ?

I accept It - Ruhi - The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock - music - music - Music - sitting in Martha Root Hall and feeling self slip from Myself, thank God - T S and S - when I felt music in my body for the first time - the breakdown - Tablet of Ahmad - P & M: LXXXVI - Pilgrimage: the experience that I am still unable to comprehend, therefore it was a Dream - the dream - the chance of NABI - 2007, in it's entirety - the profound meaning of snow - trust - the reevaluation of Love - i found the mountain - i started the climb up the mountain - i reached the point where the only view in sight were thick, dark grey, strangulating clouds...

Part IV

The Shed ............................................................ 19 - present

I realized at 19 and 3 months that i was new - i realized at 19 and 9 months how static felt - is this adding any value to my life? - i realized at 20 and 2 months what Love was - you can't fight hate with hate - "if they poison your lives, sweeten their souls" - i am at the point in the mountain where i am looking down on the clouds and the sun is shining up above...

Part V

Syndromes ..................................... Present(although gained from the past)

The IHateThePresentLetMeLiveInMyMemories Syndrome - The GiveThemBackTheyBelongHereWithMe Syndrome - The OhMyGoshIWillNeverCeaseToBeAmazedByTheMagnitudeOfBeautyThatExistsInThisWorld Syndrome - The What'sWrongWithMe Syndrome - The OftenTimesIFeelStaticAndDon'tKnowWhatToDoAboutIt Syndrome - The GodGiveMeARewindPauseFastForwardButtonINeedIt Syndrome - The ThisMomentIsProbablyTheWorstMomentInTheHistoryOfMomentsPleaseLetMeCeaseExistence Syndrome - The IDon'tWantToMeetTheFutureLet'sTurnTheCarAround Syndrome - The IHaveWideEyesAndIAmHopefulAndRidiculous Syndrome -  The IShouldLeaveItToGreatMusiciansWritersAndArtistsToSumUpHowIFeel.TheyDoItBest Syndrome...

Part VI

Amazement ................................................... kind of 19, but really 20

Amazing becomes a regular word in my vocabulary - the word gains meaning - the word gains examples - the word ceases its wordiness and becomes images and sights - the homeless man on the corner of Corson and Hill - the members of Art 23A - P & M - Apostle Smith - SSGSAMNKKKKK(+) - you...

Part VII

Things I Do:Gained ......................... (1-)Then, (20)Now, Next(-?)

i look up from underneath at least one tree a day - i take my earphones off if a good song is playing in the coffee shop - i kiss my cats goodbye - i look around often. taking it in - i forget to breathe and then i take a lloouudd deep breath - i play out situations in my head like a madman - i consider the future to be the most scary.beautiful thing - i am wildly attracted to things i can't relate to: reality tv, AHWOSG, etc... - i make excessive amounts of lists - sometimes, when i'm by myself, i just get the biggest smile on my face, it induces skipping and twirls - i cry a lot: movies, tv, commercials, words and Words, Music, gramps, mama and papa etc. the tears are usually good tears though. they are almost always necessary...

Part VIII

Signs ........................................................ A Collection

The falcon in the tree - the snow on 1.7.08 - the slipping of self from Myself in MRH 2003 - the circle of hearts MRH 2007 - the dream 1.13.07 - the Periodic Table of Elements - your existence - my existence - the green sky - the smell of cigarettes.peppermint - inside your eyes - that flowers are in different colors - that trees grow up and down|out and in - i realize myself and this reality in the vibration(s) of a piano key(s) - that eyes can lock and silence is spoken - hearts are connected by invisible|invincible ties...

Part IX

Yesterday|Today|Tomorrow ........................................ 20-|20|20+

There is a quality in now that i can't accurately describe. The magnitude of existing. I am hovering above myself with amazement and wide-eyes. I exist and I can't wrap my head around what that means. It is beyond amazing. It is a gift I feel unworthy to accept. I am You are S.He is. THAT IS INCREDIBLE! A quality of  Might: power and possibility. So much more than these words...