"the things i want to say get stuck in my mouth"

...or my chest or my throat or my toes when they curl up because i'm to nervous to speak or they were never really thought of in the first place. because usually what i want to say i can't even form into words.

...

i closed my eyes today. and this is what i thought of.

summers at my grandparents house. floating in the pool for hours with my eyes closed. counting how many times a cloud passed by. or a bird. or a plane. making the sun's bright painful light i saw through my eyelids a few shades darker.

the lines of their faces. you have to study them every now and then. i have to study them every now and then. its one of the many ways of holding on.

the lines in my face. where they came from. how weathered i am. how much more weathered will i get? i'm learning to love weatheredness. it makes me and it makes you.

here are all the things i want to say:

.

its been too often now that i turn to my side to share a revelation. or a bit of joy. or a look-at-how-the-light-shines-behind-those-branches. or a do-you-think-anybody-else-has-felt-this-way-about-this-song. or a don't-you-want-to-ride-your-bike-in-the-rain-with-me? or a lets-go-buy-2-disposable-cameras-and-walk-through-the-city. and no one is there to share it. and calling.texting. even re-capping later doesn't feel the same. 

its 2:54 am and i rather sit in a comfy couch with oolong tea with good company and good conversation.

*title is a quote from The History of Love by Nicole Krauss.