thoughts as i sit on a bench shaded by a redwood tree.

i'm always thinking of how i got here. here. i didn't work very hard. and my mind is always in other places. but here i am, and its no coincidence. i'm sitting on a bench under the shade of a redwood tree. people are dispersed on the field of grass before me, some playing the guitar, Damien Rice to be exact, others are reading. studying. some are talking. some are sleeping. others are dreaming.

this year has already proven to be difficult. i am more busy than i have ever been before. i love that but i am slowly learning what it means to manage, prioritize, focus, and how to say no.

new ways of thinking are being presented to me. rather i am practicing new ways of thinking. rather i am thinking in ways i never have before. and i am thinking about things i have never thought of before.

for the first time i feel confident enough to disagree with my professors, the content of the readings, the things my peers say. there's a fine line though between disagreement and dismissal/refusal. and i am trying very hard to stay on the disagreement side.

i have a midterm tomorrow that i don't feel prepared for. its not that i don't understand what the teacher is talking about, its that i'm nervous that i won't be able to regurgitate everything i've studied and absorbed up until now.

yesterday i decided to explore the library. (i haven't done this in so long). i really started going to libraries my senior year of high school. there was one two blocks down the street from my house and i would go there after classes and just sit in the aisles and read. when i got to college i spent all of my breaks in the photography and art section of the library. that's where i discovered Andy Goldsworthy. i've only been to the reading room of this library, so yesterday i walked through the stacks. i decided to enter a random aisle and it happened to be the aisle of all of the photography books. amazing.

i tried studying there but i was too tempted to read all of the books so i moved down stairs into a secret desk beyond stacks of Russian literature which subdue the chitter-chatter from the lobby.

i can't express how blessed i feel to be here. to be surrounded by so much. so so much.

i'm overcome by this quality of eagerness. i'm on my tiptoes looking ahead. my fingers are fidgeting and i can't wipe the smiles off my face. tomorrow could never arrive too soon.

"it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

and i'm dreaming too. i'm wide awake but i'm dreaming.