the life of a fist.
...
things{
update:
i am not only learning what it means to be human
i am learning what it means to be this human.
eyes.
what a phenomenon it is to look at|into someones eyes and swell with emotions. to see into a corporeal object and fathom|recognize|understand the beheld as a soul. intangible. fragile. precious. i have had strangers come up to me and comment on them. as if they weren't just commenting on their appearance but what lies under their depth. (more from strangers then from familiars. what does that say?)
i looked at them in the mirror today and they seemed brighter. ready for life. what does that say?
a memory:
at 2 years old i was making a fort for my toys. the main element was the piano bench (which to this day is heavy). i apparently lifted it up and placed it on my foot. my dad asked if i was okay, and i wouldn't let him touch my foot. he took me to the emergency room and sure enough it was broken.
regardless. the piano bench is still my most favorite place to sit.
realizations:
1. the only dream i've had of a person who has passed was of danny.
2. until recently i wouldn't let go of material things if i had associated them with memories and good feelings. e.g. the scrapings of plaster from the ceiling of our first home, i cried when we had to move. the mismatching plate we had that i wished all our plates looked like that grandma would serve peanut butter toast to me on when she'd visit...
3. i am not alone in my emotions|feelings|thoughts. thank you.
4. time is a horizonless desert.
5. but although i loathe time i am thankful that it ticks. because the present gets unbearable.
unbearable.
6. songs that soothe. a few:
chicago by sufjan stevens
this must be the place (naive melody) by talking heads
almost anything by coldplay
da da da da by broken social scene (5 minutes just to hear that tedious piano)
between the bars by elliott smith (e.s. got it)
whatever mark kozelek sings
phone call and bookstore by jon brion
song for you by alexi murdoch
...
7. there is a feeling i have felt once truly (i think?). and it is a feeling that floods the spirit, the heart, the stomach, the hands, the eyes, the feet, the mind, and the soul. when it is born it intends to live forever. forever. it emits. warmth. an energy that floats under noses and around the corners of faces, capturing the attention and being of its victims. it drifts under hands and as it wanders the hand makes a fist. holding on for dear life. if experienced under moonlight, life is clearer. stars shine brighter and with every breath you levitate.
if the feeling is forced to cease things feel colder. noses find themselves aching and the corners of faces tingle without notice. hands can no longer make fists. clarity becomes opaque. thick. hheeaavvyy. breathing is over exaggerated and it hurts. hheeaavvyy.
8.
whatever these are, they are in a group without title. (a sufficient one has not been thought up yet, let me know if you think of one.)
untitled
1. when eyes meet and without words. nods. smiles. question. doubt. everything is understood.
2. the moment(s) where i thank you God for this most amazing day by e.e. cummings is the perfect inscription to life
3. when the feeling never meets cessation.
4. when you need the rain and it appears
5. when your question finds an answer
6. when looking into eyes causes emotional-swelling
7. the way the stars look on a certain field in a certain santa cruz.
8. the fireworks and the fireworks
9. the profundity of snow
10. when whatever hand your dealt can be dealt with
11. effective words.
12. (also, when. titles enhance the contents. paintings induce tears. hearts are strung together....)
13. the homeless man on the corner of hill right before you enter the freeway...
14. elatedness. (genuine laughter. a little door of understanding opens when i read Prayers & Meditations. arms. when music sweeps you up cradles and wipes your tears with kisses.)
15. walking through the streets of foreign cities. alone.
16. accomplishing goals.
17. what you see in the corners of your eyes. (sometimes)
...
“How do you know if you are going to die?”
I begged my mother.
We had been traveling for days.
With strange confidence she answered,
“When you can no longer make a fist.”
-Naomi Shihab Nye, Making a Fist
1 comment:
can we do 8.7 in a few weeks time?!
came across this and thought you might enjoy it:
'we're safer than we'll ever be, sidda. the only thing we don't have is stars. but you can't have snow and stars at the same time. but you know what? you're the only one i could tell this to: it feels like there are stars inside each of us. like some clean light has come down through our heads and rubbed our hearts spotless so light is coming out of our heads and our feet. when i look out at the kids, it's like they are fireflies, each one of them giving off light. and when i close my eyes like i'm doing right now, for just one second, i can see a circle of light around all of us. do i sound drunk?'
'you do sound intoxicated,' sidda said, 'like a man who knows he's already in heaven.'
--ya-yas in bloom, rebecca wells
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