...
what is felt too often.
i can't find words. there are feelings and i can't find words. actually. i won't find words because i am so afraid to hear them and for them to be heard so i collect raindrops and other things. and then there are moments where i reach a new landscape|season|temperature|place and i stop. turn around. press play. and watch the memories unravel.
...
at one time these things occurred.
one time i wrote this: if i lived in a glasshouse, i might break something and people would see.
one time i spent an entire year reciting "let us go then, you and i, when the evening is spread out against the sky..." whenever someone would say, "let's go"
one time i gave myself headaches trying to figure out when and where the universe ended.
one time a ladybug spent minutes on my finger.
one time i almost had a sibling. or i had a sibling. or i have a sibling who was not meant to live in this world.
one time (2 times) i felt like i could really fly. as though it could really happen and all i had to do was jump.
one time i dreamt that i was alone in the sea.
one time i dreamt that i painted the floor of a city red in remembrance of departed friends.
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my own sea changes|transfigurations|metamorphoses.
noticing-appreciating-marveling-hugging-becoming trees.
becoming clouds. tears and movements and elevation.
sitting still.
falling asleep(awake) to raindrops.
internalizing. listening to you and internalizing.
practicing silence.
undoing the strings around this heart.
...
things i've measured out my life with.
1. stubbed toes.
2. pages reread.
3. times i've looked up with tear-filled eyes, "why?!"
4. slices of berry pie.
5. times i've read Prufrock.
6. times i've listened to Phone call.
7. stranger's returned smiles.
8. hands.
9. hugged trees.
10. times where no song was sufficient enough
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what i can't find words for (but still can fathom internally).
the pain i get in my chest and stomach and eyes and hands when something is wrong.
how wide and deep i want the walls of my heart to be because i can't stop putting you|everything|e v e r y t h i n g in it.
why i can'twon't pass a bookstore. and if i have to, i give it a sincere "i see you" look.
why the stars and the trees and the ability to breath and use my arms and hands makes me cry.
where i go when i hear phone call.
why it will be okay.
also, how it will be okay.
...
other things.
know that when i say "i love you" there is a screening of all the reasons why in my head as i say it. and that it will always be more than these words.
sometimes i can't think of a song that would suffice. there is no thing that will remedy. so silence must be enough.
silence can be louder(powerful and carrying) than most things.
i fear being land-locked.
"i'm counting it out, i'm working it out inside."
the words to "the lakes of canada" are how i (want to) feel most|all of the time.
there will always be more but i can hardly ever find ways to present it.
2 comments:
Stranger's returned smiles. Yes, I like that one.
to song to song, these words to song in my mind.
you have the intensity of a fire.
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