and i feel like i have scarves wrapped too tightly around my neck.
my palms are sweaty
and my eyes feel dry and tear-filled at the same time.
the inside of my mind is filled.
my head is heavy and my eyes are shaking.
i'm scared. worried. fearful. hopeful. and upset.
to be honest. to be completely honest, right now is really hard. because i'm really scared. because i don't know. because i can't wrap my head around where i'm going and whats happening in a few weeks. because life is actually happening. because i wish i didn't have to do it alone. because what if i hate it? because what if i fail? because what if i never come back? because what if i lose? because what if i gain? because home is becoming a place i visit every once in a while and now i have to build a new one.
where i'd like to be:
under a blanket of stars.
sitting in a tree house eating half a lemon with sugar.
in ioas grove.
in a used bookstore.
in Central Park.
at a Jon Brion concert.
baking cookies with friends.
singing alto in my high school choir. either ave verum corpus or deep river or ave maria or new day or and so it goes or the hallelujah chorus...
driving in the rain listening to Celine Dion.
back to junior year of high school when i read Prufrock for the first time. and the places my mind could go after that.
back to the first time i felt music.
at the beach at night. cold sand might be one of the most amazing things ever.
at that little outdoor restaurant in yueyang eating long xia.
at the palace of the legion of honor in sf in 2006 looking at that Rodin exhibit.
at that piano recital where i MESSED UP ROYALLY. so i can re-do it.
in Colorado.
...
i've been here before, but i haven't been here in a while.
where happiness and sadness are sewn together so tightly that you truly cannot have one without the other.
where you are missing something so badly. but you don't know what it is exactly or how to get it.
to:
change. time. and growth.
i'm learning how to accept you.
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