this is not what i envisioned

now, where were we?

places i've been (how to measure the time)
off the map and draining my memories
here (love 'em 'til your heart leaks)
lost in Bewilderment
Fright
I Don't Know
at sea (it takes an ocean not to break)
in arms
becoming in gardens


||  sleep lightly  ||
your entirety could fall asleep for hours as your dreams run their course and then s u d d e n l y you're wide awake

all the thoughts you've kept at a distance.you've tried burying deep in the sea.

are now sitting on your chest forcing you awake. 

just. like. that.

and now, even your rest is preoccupied.

things i hope to accomplish in 2013

say little, mean lots

relearn to exercise(apply) my heart

the art of forgetting

read the books

write it down

how/when to invest importance into things

how/when to remove importance from things

start

finish

get lost

get found

understanding > understood

sleep smiling to wake up smiling

"i don't know about my love

i don't know about my loving anymore"

-James Blake

titles i knew and liked

Connor Evert's

   Do You Love Me Still

   This Is Not What I Envisioned

   We Seem To Be Drawing Apart

   Dependency, Love Of The Lost

   Adjustment Alone As Always

John Berger's

    Another Way of Telling

Paul Klee's

    Possibilities at Sea

Dario Robleto's

    Some Longings Survive Death

    Time Measures Nothing But This Love

    Words Tremble With The Thoughts They Express

    Woman Negotiates With Grief

Feist's

    The Limit To Your Love

Chopin: Scherzo B Flat Minor Op. 31

ok.

i die.

at 3:12

that sounds like:

a mom's smile,

a hug from dad,

a Confirmation,

a wave finally reaching shore,

finally coming home,

the start of a dream,

love,

a second chance,

"everything will be okay",

a sunset,

a sunrise,

tomorrow's hope,

today's joy,

yesterday's memory,

reason.

chopin.

i love you.

whoa.

http://www.eamonmacmahon.com/

i just got lost in these photos.

the rain falls for a reason

"diamonds form in molten rock."

"the sweetest flowers of man's spirit have often been watered by tears."

"to endure breeds a greater capacity for endurance."

- Ruhiyyih Rabbani

sewing pieces together.

andy goldsworthy

The habit of looking to the future and thinking that the whole meaning of the present lies in what it will bring forth is a pernicious one. There can be no value in the whole unless there is value in the parts.

Bertrand Russell

scribbles on an old receipt:

whole: completeness|entirety

might: power|possibility

future: unknown|dependent on "now"

now: unknown|dependent on "me"

leaving my own bodies of water everywhere i go.everywhere i stay. salty fixes.

my mind swims. i become weightless. and immersed. and Empowered, yet powerless.

and i am so small.

Hands could set me down on Earth.

so vast: i'm unnavigable. but i always hear the Voice, so the Voice must see me.

to be seen.

to wonder (worry) if i'm whole.

to wonder (worry) whether what is perceived is what i intend to be perceived.

where am i going?

where have i gone?

new stamps in my passport. 

I have been to the moon and back.

She taught me how to be small.

I have been through water.

She taught me how to "slip through fingers, but hold up a ship."

I have been through trees.

so quiet, speaking brilliance when necessary. so patient, takes its time to grow and grows stronger because of it.

and still my family: the stars.

a star for every person who has lived, lives, and will live.

i begin to remove myself from a state of worry.

no longer concerned with "whatifs" and "ohnos" and "buts" and "maybeifidothises"

forgetting about yesterday and tomorrow.

thinking of now.

remembering to breathe now.

and right now, the air is sweetest.

throwing my hands up in the air,

i untie the load (i erroneously constructed) strapped to my back.

my shoulders loosen.

i breathe in His name

and release e v e r y t h i n g e l s e.

blue glow

i don't know the source, but there is a blue glow coming into the bedroom. most things are unplugged and the living room has become a storage room since i've been back. so i don't know what it is.

i finished 2 books today. the first two this year, and i finish them in a day. texts books don't count i hardly read those anyway.

everything was fine. i made the right decisions without even thinking about them: i woke up, began to read. went out, got lunch. came home, opened the blinds to let the light in.  my nerves got the best of me for a few hours, but they usually do and it turns out to be nothing, usually (can i even trust my gut anymore?). i continued to read when all of a sudden i got up, put on my shoes and sat at the pool. first time in a year i've sat at the pool and it was nice. but i got up after 15 minutes and decided to get dinner. went out, parked my car near the restaurant. ate and read inside. then i walked from the restaurant to a cafe to finish reading. then home.

i finish the rest of the book and go to bed.

all the right decisions.

i get up.

the glimpse of the blue light and the realization that i haven't seen one familiar face today makes my heart drop.

and the trembling of my eyes - they're on the verge of tears - breeds a new sort of strength - if i can even call it that - a sort of steadfastness in what is. (hope and promise. even more so acceptance.) and i wonder if progress and improvement are more than just the outcome|the after|the result? are they not also the process|the road|the journey? and if so am i improving? is this progress?

tomorrow is inevitable, but is a better tomorrow promised? not without effort.

and with that there is a place to put these things to rest.

its like

...hesitating to turn on the radio and then Intergalactic is on. sigh.

...going to costco and finding the best clothes in the men's section like the perfect t-shirt for $5.

...when you visit grandpa and its the best ever and he shows you all his cool stuff and then tells you all his stories and how much he's in love with grandma.

...having the first good dream in a very long time. very very very looooong time.

...knowing to listen to what my dreams say.

...getting new camera stuffz.

...having father daughter days 2 days in a row.

...eating vietnamese food and lots of it.

...when daddy decides he's gonna make thai food from scratch and then its like the yummiest thing ever.

...turning on the tv and jeopardy is on.

...when i learn a bunch of new songs on the ukulele.

...when the piano and i just work well together.

...when the world is so small.

...my parents are so in love its the most beautiful thing in the world.

gooooooood day :)