"the things i want to say get stuck in my mouth"

...or my chest or my throat or my toes when they curl up because i'm to nervous to speak or they were never really thought of in the first place. because usually what i want to say i can't even form into words.

...

i closed my eyes today. and this is what i thought of.

summers at my grandparents house. floating in the pool for hours with my eyes closed. counting how many times a cloud passed by. or a bird. or a plane. making the sun's bright painful light i saw through my eyelids a few shades darker.

the lines of their faces. you have to study them every now and then. i have to study them every now and then. its one of the many ways of holding on.

the lines in my face. where they came from. how weathered i am. how much more weathered will i get? i'm learning to love weatheredness. it makes me and it makes you.

here are all the things i want to say:

.

its been too often now that i turn to my side to share a revelation. or a bit of joy. or a look-at-how-the-light-shines-behind-those-branches. or a do-you-think-anybody-else-has-felt-this-way-about-this-song. or a don't-you-want-to-ride-your-bike-in-the-rain-with-me? or a lets-go-buy-2-disposable-cameras-and-walk-through-the-city. and no one is there to share it. and calling.texting. even re-capping later doesn't feel the same. 

its 2:54 am and i rather sit in a comfy couch with oolong tea with good company and good conversation.

*title is a quote from The History of Love by Nicole Krauss.

places i've been

Andy Goldsworthy

...

the first thing that came to my mind is what it feels like to have the wind knocked out of me.

it feels different every time.

sometimes you feel stuck and you can't breathe. your insides can't fit air anymore. other times it feels like someone took a straw down your lungs and swallowed up every last bit of air inside. it tickles. you feel like your floating. maybe. but nothing resembles elevation.

its mostly uncomfortable.

...

for the past 20 years life has had a structure. a system of paths i followed. a framework of railways i've been intended to follow. 2 nights ago i moved into my new apartment.

hold on. let me deconstruct that...

i moved. into. my new apartment.

my apartment.

it is safe to say that this is the biggest 'thing' to ever happen to me.

it is also safe to say that i am terrified.

but mostly, i am excited (a word that i have been and will continue to overuse for a while now - all for appropriate reasons.)

all i can really muster to say is 'life is happening'

and it actually feels like that for the first time.

i've worked towards this moment for years. and it is two weeks away.

...

i'm back home now for two weeks until i move back into my apartment. this is a time of closure and goodbyes. but only temporary goodbyes.

...

have you ever?

woken up and wish you had tomorrow back?

you turn your head into your pillow and cry a little bit. because you can't believe you left it to waste.

felt your heart carve out a space for everything your leaving?

the process brings you to tears and you feel weaker due to lost breaths. but now they have a place to live inside you.

seen your parents in your peripheral vision watch you. taking you in. because their little girl is moving away? regardless of how long this moving away has been planned. it is abrupt. uncomfortable. and nobody knows if it will ever feel the same.

...

10 things loved.

1. summer:

left to right: flowers on Orcas Island, WA. unfocused  shoreline in Anacortes. ice cream stop in Denver, CO. crawling ivy Huntington Gardens Pasadena, CA. Aspen leaves after the rain, CO. sunlight through a redwood grove, Santa Cruz, CA. sprinting lights, Sunset Blvd. pool time, Santa Cruz, CA. wildflowers, CO.

2. pedicures.

3. last minute hang outs with friends.

4. good things ive seen, read, heard:

. the text message that read "Shut.      Up." for all the right reasons.

. Ave Verum Corpus - Mozart. talk about a song lifting you up, twirling you and cradling you.

. Bonnie Raitt's Nick of Time. sigh.

. Jeopardy: College Championship! i want to be on it so badly.

. conversation that doesn't involve politics.

5. Trader Joe's Organic Ginger Limeade. Y.U.M.M.Y!

6. places i'd like to spend my time: here. at a dinner table with sufjan stevens, moby, david byrne, and broken social scene. underneath here. there. and here.

7. wow. this is insightful.

8. hard workers - i know a lot of people that work really hard. its incredibly beautiful. in them you see unrivaled passion. tireless dedication. improvement. idealism. and the ability to inspire. thank you all.

9. words. some favorites: human. manifest. magnificent. gregarious. idealistic. abundant. pure. purple. mountainous. intense. harmonious...

10. project runway. uhmazing.

the stars have fossilized themselves into your hands.

...
infinity is two mirrors facing each other.

paintings beneath paintings.

looking at a painting and seeing the artist. (through a fingerprint)

looking at the painting and seeing the Artist.

if the sunlight were the father and the rain was the mother then the tree would be their child.

then the trees are their children.

...

look at your hands.

do you see the stars?

they have fossilized themselves.

we could put them in a museum.

your hands are magnets to these stars.

mecca. harbor. cove. refuge. sanctuary.

...

your eyes i've seen in their eyes

i've seen.

and our eyes i see are similar shapes

i see.

your head rests where their head rests

and your heart beats because it hears

hearts beat.

so we beat for one another.

listen.

{thump thumthump thumpp thump thump thuthumpmp thump thump thumpthumpthump ththumpmp}

they're all beating together.

its like a garden.

its like the shoreline.

its like the lattice of branches.

its like the family of leaves.

different but the same but different but the same but different but the same but different but the same but different but the same but different but the same different but the same but different but the same but different but the same but different but the same...

ramblings on everythings

why its always in my purse

...

1. if all creation is a reflection of God's beauty, how can anyone be ugly?

2. i love to hear what you think is beautiful.

3. when i say 'you', i mean all.

4. when i say 'i love to hear', i mean tell me.

5. i slept for 18 hours yesterday. i didn't wake up once. i don't like it.

6. i once abused sleep and dreams were taken from me.

7. there are quite a many ways the wind could be knocked out of you. none of which are pleasant.

8. i regret any amount of time where i look back and feel as though i floated through it and came out without gaining. 

9. i'm still deciding whether or not regret is something i want to even question.

10. i wish i could say i've read every book on my bookshelf.

11. i am addicted to books. the purchase of, the smell of, the look of, the feel of, the content within, the ideas provoked by...

12. i wish i could be a librarian and a curator and florist.

13. i wish i had the time and knowledge to garden.

14. a month ago i looked at water completely differently. for some reason it has altered my universe.

15. why am i so sure i will travel to the moon and beyond in my lifetime?

16. things we are made of, (maybe you didn't know): glass(hearts, lungs, stomachs...). stars(pupils...). salt('ye are the salt of the earth. if the salt has lost its savour, wherewith shall it be salted?'). rose petals(eyelids. nails...). wildflowers(hair. irises...)

17. i have realized that because i am an only my life is very different than yours. it always will be. but i have also realized that it is also very much the same. and it will always grow to be.

18. i am remembering to let go. to experience what it is like to have life. beauty. love. happiness flow through me instead of clutching onto it like lightning bolts i'm too afraid to let go of.

19. love is a mix tape.

20. i'm really practicing listening. i really want to do this better. sometimes i have to close my eyes or else they get in the way.

21. i need to climb more mountains.

why is ikea so amazing?

i could live there. literally.

all i know is

.that i just slept for 18 hours straight. i didn't wake up once.

.keeping the kaleidoscope in my purse is the best idea i've had in a while.

.fun is what you make it.

.today is a day of errands. ikea here i come.

.the last time i was satisfied with how i spent my time was the 8 hours i spent in New York last February.

.that i don't really know.

.that despite how much i don't like about this place, i am going to miss this place.

.i cry easily. i don't know if i would say too easily but definitely easily

.i miss orange hills, violet fields, and silver waters. with moons that follow.

.i could spend my time more wisely.