experiences: the norton simon

the Branchini Madonna, 1427 (detail)

....

Things I Wrote Down While I Was at the Norton Simon Museum:

Things I Would Like to Have Been:

. a sculpture by Degas. perhaps "Woman Arranging Her Hair" or "Arabesque over the right leg, left arm in line"

. a cloud in Courbet's seascape, "Marine"

. the thoughts in his head as Degas captured "The Star: Dancer on Point"

. one of the heads in Klee's "Two Heads"

. "Bust of a Woman" by Picasso, but only for a moment, it makes me too sad.

. a circle in Kandinsky's "Heavy Circles"

(what Kandinsky has to say about the circle:

"Why does the circles fascinate me? it is:

1. the most modest form, but asserts itself unconditionally,
2. a precise, but inexhaustible variable,
3. simultaneously stable and unstable,
4. simultaneously loud and soft,
5. a single tension that carries countless tensions within it.

The circle is the synthesis of the greatest oppositions. It combines the concentric with the eccentric in a single form, and in equilibrium of the three primary forms [triangle, circle, square]. it points most clearly to the fourth dimension.")

Great Titles:

Possibilities at Sea by Paul Klee

Sappho Recalled to Life by the Charm of Music by Louis Ducis

i would like to walk around in Sam Francis's, Basel Mural I. it looks like snow i would find somewhere in outer space.

i am so thankful that van Gogh used color to express emotion. so thankful.

how come ever since i fell for Rodin i feel like i have a relationship with all sculptures?like they speak to me in inaudible whispers.

what happened when i looked at these: the thoughts in my head:

The Branchini Madonna by Giovanni di Paolo: WOW! (swell of emotions). is this the first time i've felt such a reaction to a painting of this subject? yes. i think it is. look at how she holds Him! look at how she is sitting on Earth but is reaching up to the Heavens! look at the wings of those angels! (i begin to walk away) no! (i walk back) WOW!

Seven Folios from a Ragamala Album: music is being depicted as love. is this what union feels like? (the seventh one says this: "Vibhasa Ragini celebrates love in union and is played at sunrise, when birds first begin to twitter. A couple tenderly embraces as the hero prepares to shoot an arrow at a rooster on the roof to prevent morning from coming.") sigh.

Night by A. Maillol: this is the perfect title. for many reasons.

The Star: Dancer on Point by E. Degas: she's on stage but it looks like she's dancing on clouds! i want to dance on clouds. you can't even fully see her face and you know she is thrilled...

....

wow.

things: fists.

the life of a fist.

...

things{

update:

i am not only learning what it means to be human

i am learning what it means to be this human.

eyes.

what a phenomenon it is to look at|into someones eyes and swell with emotions. to see into a corporeal object and fathom|recognize|understand the beheld as a soul. intangible. fragile. precious. i have had strangers come up to me and comment on them. as if they weren't just commenting on their appearance but what lies under their depth. (more from strangers then from familiars. what does that say?)

i looked at them in the mirror today and they seemed brighter. ready for life. what does that say?

a memory:

at 2 years old i was making a fort for my toys. the main element was the piano bench (which to this day is heavy). i apparently lifted it up and placed it on my foot. my dad asked if i was okay, and i wouldn't let him touch my foot. he took me to the emergency room and sure enough it was broken.

regardless. the piano bench is still my most favorite place to sit.

realizations:

1. the only dream i've had of a person who has passed was of danny.

2. until recently i wouldn't let go of material things if i had associated them with memories and good feelings. e.g. the scrapings of plaster from the ceiling of our first home, i cried when we had to move. the mismatching plate we had that i wished all our plates looked like that grandma would serve peanut butter toast to me on when she'd visit...

3. i am not alone in my emotions|feelings|thoughts. thank you.

4. time is a horizonless desert.

5. but although i loathe time i am thankful that it ticks. because the present gets unbearable.

unbearable.

6. songs that soothe. a few:

chicago by sufjan stevens

this must be the place (naive melody) by talking heads

almost anything by coldplay

da da da da by broken social scene (5 minutes just to hear that tedious piano)

between the bars by elliott smith (e.s. got it)

whatever mark kozelek sings

phone call and bookstore by jon brion

song for you by alexi murdoch

...

7. there is a feeling i have felt once truly (i think?). and it is a feeling that floods the spirit, the heart, the stomach, the hands, the eyes, the feet, the mind, and the soul. when it is born it intends to live forever. forever. it emits. warmth. an energy that floats under noses and around the corners of faces, capturing the attention and being of its victims. it drifts under hands and as it wanders the hand makes a fist. holding on for dear life. if experienced under moonlight, life is clearer. stars shine brighter and with every breath you levitate.

if the feeling is forced to cease things feel colder. noses find themselves aching and the corners of faces tingle without notice. hands can no longer make fists. clarity becomes opaque. thick. hheeaavvyy. breathing is over exaggerated and it hurts. hheeaavvyy.

8.

whatever these are, they are in a group without title. (a sufficient one has not been thought up yet, let me know if you think of one.)

untitled

1. when eyes meet and without words. nods. smiles. question. doubt. everything is understood.

2. the moment(s) where i thank you God for this most amazing day by e.e. cummings is the perfect inscription to life

3. when the feeling never meets cessation.

4. when you need the rain and it appears

5. when your question finds an answer

6. when looking into eyes causes emotional-swelling

7. the way the stars look on a certain field in a certain santa cruz.

8. the fireworks and the fireworks

9. the profundity of snow

10. when whatever hand your dealt can be dealt with

11. effective words.

12. (also, when. titles enhance the contents. paintings induce tears. hearts are strung together....)

13. the homeless man on the corner of hill right before you enter the freeway...

14. elatedness. (genuine laughter. a little door of understanding opens when i read Prayers & Meditations. arms. when music sweeps you up cradles and wipes your tears with kisses.)

15. walking through the streets of foreign cities. alone.

16. accomplishing goals.

17. what you see in the corners of your eyes. (sometimes)

...

“How do you know if you are going to die?”

I begged my mother. 

We had been traveling for days. 

With strange confidence she answered, 

“When you can no longer make a fist.”

-Naomi Shihab Nye, Making a Fist

taking it and flying with it.

Odilon Redon

...

prologue

sans deuxième pensée.

heart

today's highlight sounded like FCEACE together. it will grow and i'm expecting the dance of flowers and the birth of clouds.. i am sneaking notes on the piano as my home sleeps...

i am nearing a place where my shoes are more comfortable to stand in. and the air looks lighter and easier to breathe. the gate is sparkling under the moon and the lights are on.. 

"and with everything she had left inside of her, she closed her eyes, dropped her shoulders, loosened her nerves and let go of everything. it all escaped in the sound of an exhale. the silhouette of a sigh. ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"

there's a scene in Once that feels so real to me. where the band is taking a break at the studio and the girl discovers a grand piano in one of the rooms. the guy finds her and she begins to play one of her songs, the hill. instead of just listening to the music, or even staring at her fingers as they grace the piano. he stares at her. watching her as if she was the music. its beautiful.

what does it mean to be sitting here at this hour wanting to heart-to-heart with another soul?

is it in there that i find my self?

because right now i'm feeling like it has been too long...

time feels like a horizonless desert.

...

epilogue

i am tired and these thoughts feel too heavy to be passed...

"i have known them all already..."

fireworks

magic

...
i haven't experienced one of my favorite things in 4 years. and tonight i lied on the floor of a high school football field with loved ones and watched the sky explode into tiny diamonds and precious gems and little beads of fire. it was magical and special and made me feel small and wide-eyed.

...

the ride home:

two hearts connected by Strings.

moments shared are moments cherished.

rare yet rich. short but savory.

we spill beans. we relate. we identify.

different levels. "catches".

tonight, my dear, our hearts jumped at the fireworks: the magic in the sky...

in time, my dear, our hearts will fly alongside fireworks...

i'm glad you're in my life.

...

i can't wait to experience fireworks more than just once a year...

happy fourth

current faves|sources of thought|inspiration|solaces:

amazing photos

..

soundsacpes

..

jump shots. especially on the beach.

..

market fresh berries: berry delicious.

..

the pride and prejudice soundtrack.

silent night

sitting at the dinner table at 1:20. eating green grapes.

never before have i had such a strong desire to sit across from someone and talk to them. maybe it was the fact the i spent the entire day with people and now i am abruptly alone. maybe it was because my home was eerily silent. i've come home to a quite house, my parents go to sleep early, but tonight it felt like i was alone. not even noise outside. maybe its the fact that the change that lies ahead is prompting an urge to interact|communicate|speak with others. familars and strangers.

an experience: a few days ago i checked out a new boutique that has opened in south pas. i walked in and the lady at the counter was soooo outgoing. we ended up talking for 45 minutes about life love heartbreak growth education equality travel service etc. surely, a connection of hearts. we hugged.

a regret: in April i was on a mad hunt for fresh bread it was 6:00pm and most of the bakeries were closed. i remembered one place that could potentially be open and it had to be good because ever time i drive past it the scent of fresh bread woos me. i stopped in and asked if they had any fresh bread. the shop keeper was sitting at one of the tables. he was a very old man and spoke in very broken English. he had an elementary level English workbook opened on the table. he responded brokenly that i should come back tomorrow. as i was leaving he motioned for me to sit down. to practice speaking English with him. i did not. and i will regret it eternally.

a feeling: there are times where i get an overwhelming feeling of misplace. a fish out of water. looking into the ocean not knowing how to jump back in or even if that is the right place to belong. a lull. static. suspended. tied down.

12:38 am|now

boomp3.com
............................................................

One.

Starting with Little Things

Love the earth like a mole,

fur-near. Nearsighted,

hold close the clods,

their fine-print headlines.

Path them with soft hands --

But spades, but pink and loving: they

break rock, nudge giants aside,

affable plow.

Fields are to touch:

each day nuzzle your way.

Tomorrow the world.

William Stafford

Two.

[removed]

"it goes without saying because its better left unsaid"

...

Three.

now.

the most beautiful things heard|seen|written|sang (lately):

death and all his friends - Coldplay (my heart sings|reaches|catches the notes at 1:11-1:18)

the symphony i heard on 91.5. my jaw dropped on the 405

the trees dripping lights on main st.

the child whose smile pushed giants away

the june bugs dancing on my front porch. especially the one that landed on the door lock.

le ballon rouge

Une Annee Sans Lumiere

An Oregon Message pages 25.38.40.48.53.57.72.79.84.115.124.

Four.

A Few Things I've Heard. that remain. (a few)

the creak in the swing outside Grams house.

the sound of my dad whispering a prayer in my ear.

mom singing "you are my sunshine"

the wind chimes on michelle's front porch

every word spoken on 12.31.2007

life is for living

Let us go then, you and i...

"come on over, just be patient, and don't worry"

with head bowed. knees bent. eyes closed. heart open. hands offering: 

"i love you"

"see you soon"

"Verily  he is the Merciful, the Compassionate. Praise be to God, the Lord of all the worlds."

Grandpa reciting The Jaberwocky from memory

dad playing blackbird

the sound of Chopin making me cry

the wind in Houck.

the silence in the Shrines

footsteps in an empty museum

...

Five.

now. in single words.

consequence. coincidence. purpose. static. dynamic. colorful. potential. future. withoutsecondthought. wide-eyed. hopeful. and. ridiculous. takeitin.

Six.

sans deuxième pensée

sureness unparalleled.

without blinking.

or the nod of peers.

pupil sizes match.

eye colors compliment.

arms are magnets.

puzzle finished.

heartbeats in sync

heartstrings strummed.

h  a  r  m  o  n  y

...

soo much more than these words