opened door

One.

when i get road rage (which is often) i immediately tune into 91.5 KUSC. it's calming and humbling. unless its an opera which only increases my rage. i don't want to hear voices interrupting the purity of instruments. it is frustrating

when its raining: transatlanticism, in rainbows, feel good lost

when i'm in the car and i feel on top its chicago/no man's land by sufjan stevens. it feels epic.

when reading its the Amelie soundtrack composed by Yann Tiersen or Eternal Sunshine by Jon Brion or Christopher O'Riley's True Love Waits or Sun Will Set by Zoe Keating...

when sad its bob dylan, joni mitchell, and select coldplay.

Two.

when my thoughts go at war and my conscious lies heavy the only thing that helps is the piano. it takes everything, bottles it up and drops it into the ocean. for someone else or nobody or everybody to find. but not me. and i create or render or hold one chord indefinitely.

and if that's ever taken from me. there are no words for that.

lately. lately my sustaining pedal, my favorite pedal, seems weak... perhaps its insulted.

when enraged i start cleaning. i get that from a parent.

when i don't want to be at home but i have to be at home, i tip-toe.

when i'm static i grab P&M

when it rains. i concentrate. internalize each drop. the period in between awake and asleep is so pure and euphoric... and my dreams are enhanced. i think each raindrop collects, reassembles, and rises again. but this time dancing.

Three.

[this portion has been removed intentionally]

Four.

my strongest desire is to lie in a field of wildflowers - all sorts. i will watch the clouds reveal the sun and the clouds form into strangers and familiars. and the clouds thicken and thicken and thicken. and there aren't clouds now. there is cloud. and it rains. the flowers are dancing. i'm laughing and life is perfect.

Five.

nostalgia. i cuddle with my mom. i look at my same 15 favorite pictures from my childhood over and over and over. i close my eyes and The Eleanors appear. and i'm cradled. and i'm fed spaghetti-o's and cinnamon bears. and dress up. and the balcony. the smallest balcony in the smallest apartment in the smallest town over looking the biggest world. and the smell of cigarettes and doublemint gum is the most comforting thing in the world. and sometimes i still smell it. that's a phenomenon. the association of memories and scents.

Six.

i was visiting my grandma a year after the summer i almost had a sibling and i almost forgot my great grandma and i almost stayed a child and i stepped outside. it was 11:30 everyone was asleep. i stepped outside. the Anacortes air embraced me. hammock. arms. quilt. wall. armchair. railings. the combination of chill and thickness is like a support system. i stepped outside and i remember having the biggest smile on my face. (1. because i was in my favorite place amidst my favorite people. 2. nobody knew i was outside. they were asleep. i felt unknown.) i looked out past the railing to the harbor. the sea flirting with each hull. each boat bobbing. happy.

-i want to be like water. i want to slip through fingers but hold up a ship-

then past the harbor to the shallow hills. coated in evergreens. tall. firm. static. dynamic.

then up. above the collection of trees. the sky orange and purple. but black.

then up more. back. back towards the balcony. i turn around. my back and elbows leaning on the rail. my head suspended backwards. i look up. green. the sky is green. i blink continually and rub my eyes. i must be tired. i look back up. the sky is green! i am the only one awake in the world and the sky is green for me!

Seven.

I dream of the future, probably too(ooooo) often. i have this dream of taking my future family to Orcas Island. we'll fly into Seattle (if we're not living there already). do meaningful things. like pike place. and the sculpture garden. and the museum. and walking. lots of walking. that's how you get to know a place. by treading on it. then we'll drive to Anacortes. we'll pray at the cemetery and bring white carnations. we'll go to the business. we'll have a picnic at Washington park and pick up seashells. we'll pick things out at the antique store. we'll visit tommy's train and "your mother's grandma's house." "this is where your mommy would pick dandelions." "you know the chicken mommy makes for you? that was my grandma's recipe. yep"

blackberry pie. and chewy oatmeal cookies. and warm loaves of bread. 

then. then the ferry ride. "ok. are you guys ready?!" "ok leave your stuff in the car, you won't need it. ok ready! let's race to the deck! the first [insert number of children] to get to the top get ice cream!" they will get to the top first. either because i let them or because i am old.

and we will stand at the tip of the ferry boat and we will see the most beautiful things in nature.

there are no words to describe the glory and magnificence of this nature. 

snap smack(le) sing

I'm sitting at Bean Town (aka My New Favorite Coffee Shop).

I'm sharing a table with a man.

The XM radio is set to a non-stop-60s-classics station.

At E V E R Y song, the man sings one line. its amazing. i love it. he is just singing. in a packed coffee shop. full of strangers. this is good. this is progress. this is freedom from inhibitions.

Last night i went to a super fun party! I danced so much, my feet fell off when i got home! don't ask me how i got to Bean Town, i'm really not sure. God must be on my side if i'm getting places without my feet. I saw the ghetto blashter. it was grand and we got our dance on.

(now the man is snapping. fantastic!)

currently, i am engaged in a battle. me vs the books. there is no love in this battle field. there is only angst and malaise. a plan of action is being discussed: hit the books or HIT the books.

my love for Forever 21 increased tremendously yesterday. i remember when forever 21 was only a place to buy basics- undershirts for 4 bucks, solid colored long sleeved shirts for 5 bucks, sweatshirts for 9 bucks. amazing deals but the rest of the stuff was... well, questionable. yesterday i was BLOWN AWAY! its my new fave store. what a selection. i got this beautiful shirt that looks like it's covered in peacock feathers.

(ok now the man is smacking his mouth trying to get sandwich out from his teeth.... i liked you more when you sang and snapped)

My love is coming home tonight from a LONG trip. N - i missed you and you wouldn't believe how much i love you. I wish i didn't have finals i would drive to see you now. :( wednesday will just have to do. love you tremendously.

(ok seriously man. stop smacking. toothpicks solve this problem in silence.)

(alex. lose the hostility.)

(wait now he's doing it in rhythm! - - smack - - - smack - - smack - - - smack - - smack - - - smack...)

oh. and facebook's semi-new application "people you may know" is realllllly inaccurate.

people i may now include:

Joel Barish - yes. that same regretful-memory-erasing Joel Barish from Eternal Sunshine. i swear. his default picture is him. (i wish i knew him!)

random woman. we have ZERO friends in common. how could I know you?

random girl. you are friends with friends of friends. i do not know you.

i am not opposed to knowing any of you, i just seriously do not know you.

(an update 7:22 pm: he is singing snapping AND smacking still. oh and he JUST swayed a little bit to Wipe Out.)

(7:23. he knows all the words to A Hard Day's Night... "it's been a hard day's night.... (sway sway snap) and i've been working (smacking) like a dog.... smack -- smack -- smack -- smack -- smack...)

(7:24. the straw is being used as a toothpick. BUT the smacking continues.)

hello again (7:32. there is another HALF to that sandwich. and now there is smacking while chewing. this is too much.)

(7:55. the snapping, smacking, singing, swaying man is no more - but the 60's vibrations are still.)

Right Now: an Index

Anxiety

Davis

Arms

Change

desperate for

in need of

seasons

The Lakes of Canada, The Innocence Mission (see also song)

Contemplative

Do I Dare Disturb The Universe?

Davis (see also anxiety, excitement, fear)

Desire

Can't Be Sure, The Sunday's

free from

horrible

Excitement

Davis

future, the

Existence

because of Love

hard

impossible

love because of

Faith

in God, in oneself, in others

Fear

Davis

tomorrow

Feeling

.like a thirsty man's canteen

.like a t.s. eliot poem

.like i'm waiting for something that i want so badly to show up and i'm 99% sure that it won't but i ignore that and wish on the 1%

.like the keys of a piano

.like the strings of a cello

.like when its 12 AM and i lethargically tread the supermarket aisles searching blindly through products and products not knowing what i'm looking for

.like when my insides are itching for me to do SOMETHING

Hand to face

Introspective

Kozelek, Mark

have you forgotten

revelation big sur

tonight in bilbao

Laughing at myself

Love

appreciation of another human being's existence

Baha'u'llah

existence

God

selflessness

unconditional

Mail

Memories

December 2007 - January 2008

January, March 2007

Summers: 2000, 2004, 2005, 2007

NABI

heart

longing

loss

love

soul

Poetry

Eliot, T.S.

language of the heart

Stafford, William - An Oregon Message

Power Transitions Theory

Progress

improvement

in need of

mistakes

now please.

Prelude in D flat major, Chopin (see also song)

seasons

urgent

Salad

spinach, gouda (aged), bagel chips, salt, pepper, olive oil, balsamic vinegar

State

of mind

place?

unexplainable

So tired that closed eyes hurt

draineddddddddddddd

Song

can't be sure, the sundays (see also desire)

guilty cubicles, broken social scene

prelude in D flat major, Chopin (see also progress)

ratatat - all of it...

sufjan stevens - all of it...

the lakes of canada, the innocence mission (see also change)

Tiersen, Yann

comptine d'un autre ete

jours triste, les

moulin, le

words

frankenstein

great gatsby, the

sun also rises, the

Words

conversation shared between human beings free of inhibitions, facades and assumptions

Prayers & Meditations

----------------------------

"The eyes are not here

There are no eyes here

In this valley of dying stars"

-t.s.eliot, the hollow men

(thoughts provoked: the [S]tars are only dying because they've left minds, "sightless, unless/the eyes reappear")

-------------------------------

"i'm counting it out

i'm counting it out

i'm working it out inside"

-sufjan stevens

alexandra is

Today was my LAST official day of classes at PCC! Oh man, Life is happening! S and I celebrated by eating pinkberry for lunch. I even switched up my usual toppings and got banana (not bad). Then I went to my printmaking class... what a fantastic class! today was the last day to print anything, so EVERYONE decided to show up which means it took me EXTRA long to finish printing things on the one press that is available.... This cool cat was visiting his friend in class today and we started a conversation. Here's how it started, he and one of my fellow classmates were calling each other names in Spanish and i was curious so i asked what they meant and they told me that they were the English equivalents of bad ass and homie. Well anyways the conversation went from that to indigenous people of Mexico to diversity to ignorance to fear to "ghettos" to segregation to acceptance to unity to unity in diversity to harmony. what a great conversation to have with a great stranger! (side note: i love the progression of conversations! the mind is vast...)

Then I went to one of my favorite places ever. Thursday's on Mission St in South Pasadena. ok. this is what you gotta do. Go to Videotheque - its the BEST video store ever. anything i mean ANYTHING you want they have it. then head over to Buster's - I recommend the Iced Oregon Chai with soy milk. and check out their peppermint ice cream. YUM

THEN! go to the farmer's market! its soooooo fun and diverse and musical and fresh, like life kind of... Today i picked up some fresh arugula, spinach and basil and a tasty rotisserie chicken that was tickling my nostrils while promenading.

Then my dad and I hosted a devotional! which was awesome even though it was only us haha. and then I learned to play the dulcimer!! my new favorite instrument.

In other news, I've discovered this awesome site called Googlism.

type in your name and see what pops up. here are some of my favorite:

alexandra is messed up

alexandra is a single ukranian woman

alexandra is one of los angeles's top

alexandra is now a movie star and is on her way to get an oscar.

alexandra is also deeply concerned about the environment

alexandra is the spring blossom festival town in the golden heart of central otago

alexandra is a fascinating character caught up in a complex murder mystery

alexandra is so beautiful that people stop me when im out and ask where she is from (HA!)

alexandra is being given a second chance

alexandra is one of those freeloading types

alexandra is inspired by matisse...

try it out and post them as a comment!

--------------------------

tuning: portions for foxes - rilo kiley

love.

The Day is Done and What a Good Day 'Twas

Today was awesome, let me tell you about it...

So. I get to my European history class today (on time, thank you) and sentimentality came over me. It is my last meeting for this class, the only class I need to transfer, before the final next Wednesday, and it has been nothing but amazing. My teacher, Dr. Schwyzer, is soo great at what he does! I've encountered few professors who tie the principles and teachings of class to the principles and teachings of the world soo eloquently and profoundly.

On the first day of class he explained to us that this class was going to be a class on growing up. "Growing up?", i thought, "how is he going to teach us about growing up when we have revolutions and -isms to learn about?! this should be interesting..."

Interesting it was. I have never listened to any professor so intently. Not only is he knowledgeable, he knows how to convey information in such a way that it is impossible not to internalize it. the dude's a pro.

Well on Monday, before class was dismissed, Dr. Schwyzer reminded, "Don't think I forgot about the theme of this class - growing up. I will tie this in on Wednesday. Have a good one."

Ok. so I get to class today and he wraps up WWII with the Nuremberg trials. He explained that Nazi officers, when put on trial, pleaded not guilty and that the execution of millions of innocent humans was only due to the fact that they were following orders. They were still found guilty. Why? Because they chose to follow immoral commands and they could have(and should have) chosen to use their free will and disobey.

Free will is the ability to use one's own mind. But that can be used for good and evil.

So. you're wondering what the Nazi's have to do with growing up right?

ok. So. one of the first things we learned in class was Martin Luther and his 95 Theses. 1517. Martin Luther taught that people didn't need to go to church and to pay indulgences and could progress to the next world through sola fide - faith alone. Basically one doesn't need a church nor money to connect yourself to God. by faith alone. 

Then, Galileo believed in the power of reason and human intellect and because of that was forced to recant his beliefs. The power of the individual mind.

And Diderot who was concerned with human desire, and although man has the free will to fulfill those desires, one must be conscious of other people's desires too. Using consciousness.

And finally with the Nuremberg trials. It was the officers' moral obligation to disobey an immoral order.

He began to conclude, "history is a legacy of the relentless pursuit of maturity and of the persistence for people to take control of their own lives. From the start of this class, 1517, to the end, 1948, we have studied how humanity, particularly in the Western world has grown up and matured." How man has grabbed hold of its own responsibility...

"I encounter many young people, I've been teaching here at PCC for 15 years, and a lot of you say you don't see the need of having children. You don't see the point of raising kids in a world like this... the fear of the environment, the fear of the war etc.... The fact that man has grown up, that we have come from Luther to Galileo to Diderot to the Nuremberg trials shows that humanity has improved. Such improvement should make you optimistic!"

What an amazing lecture.

After lecture I head over to this cool little Thai food restaurant across the street to eat some BOMB cashew nut chicken and drink my thai iced tea. yum!

Then I get to my next class, film as dramatic literature, and we're watching Oldboy. um, so, for these few hours my day was meh.... I probably could have gone through life having not seen this movie.... yuck. Usually we watch AWESOME movies like one time we saw The Lives of Others. whoa. GREAT film. and Pan's Labyrinth. (if you haven't seen it you REALLY should. then I want to talk about it with you....)

THEN! I drove home and got something accomplished that I have been meaning to do for a while, which is the best feeling ever! I love accomplishing things!

THEN! I made the most amazing salad ever! and i think I will be okay living on my own because of it.

Then off to Feast....

ok. Feast is something i look forward to, especially lately. Lately, because I will be joining the Feasts of Davis starting September, and since I have always lived in this community, I'm trying to soak in the love shining in all the faces of my community. They're my family. My parents. Some of them to the point where I don't even have to knock on the door....(i have tears)

So. Today was an amazing Feast. It began with a recording the hostess (to the mostess) had of a chant for the Baha'i friends imprisoned in Iran. It was one of the most beautiful Things I have ever heard. I had none stop chills running up my body the entire time. And tears streaming down my face.

Following the devotional portion, we had one of the best consultative portions EVER! Everyone had something to share and everyone was happy and joyful and it was awesome!

Then after everyone left I got to spend some special one-on-one time with my Sepeedeh. What a little love this girl is. If ever there was someone that made my heart smile so much it is surely her. sisters I tell you.

side note: I am so BLESSED to have so many amazing friends. wow. words do no justice...

Well. The day was amazing and I am so happy.

Now. Some poetry.

----------------------------------------------

(note: if you read all of that, you're pretty much awesome. so either you and i could be friends/you have no life:)

The Day is Done

The day is done, and the darkness

Falls from the wings of Night,

As a feather is wafted downward

From an eagle in his flight.

I see the lights of the village

Gleam through the rain and the mist,

And a feeling of sadness comes o'er me

That my soul cannot resist:

A feeling of sadness and longing,

That is not akin to pain,

And resembles sorrow only

As the mist resembles the rain.

Come, read to me some poem,

Some simple and heartfelt lay,

That shall soothe this restless feeling,

And banish the thoughts of day.

Not from the grand old masters,

Not from the bards sublime,

Whose distant footsteps echo

Through the corridors of Time.

For, like strains of martial music,

Their mighty thoughts suggest

Life's endless toil and endeavor;

And to-night I long for rest.

Read from some humbler poet,

Whose songs gushed from his heart,

As showers from the clouds of summer,

Or tears from the eyelids start;

Who, through long days of labor,

And nights devoid of ease,

Still heard his soul the music

Of wonderful melodies.

Such songs have a power to quiet

The restless pulse of care,

And come like the benediction

That follows after prayer.

Then read from the treasured volume

The poem of they choice,

And lend to the rhyme of the poet

The beauty of thy voice.

And the night shall be filled with music,

And the cares, that infest the day,

Shall fold their tents, like the Arabs,

And as silently steal away.

Henry Wadsworth Longellow

(note.2: if you read that poem you are double awesome.)

-----------------------------------------

love.

My Evening...

After seeing the second most horrifying movie, The Strangers, ever (first is requiem for a dream) and freaking G (love you G) out on the way home to the verge of tears, I drove home, sat in my car and called my dad twice to come to the door. I had absolutely no courage to walk to the house in the dark without my dad at the door. I call. no answer. i call again. no answer. he must be asleep.

"ok. alex. you can do this. its just a few yards. the porch light is on, no one, NO ONE is at the end of your driveway waiting for you. no one is in your closet. everything is fine. just walk to the door, you can say a prayer. its ok..."

so i get to the door, alive and then i come to my room and sit on my bed.

on the ground is a huge. HUGE! spider.

Great.

i grab the empty glass on my bedside table and put it over it. i start thinking "what am i gonna do?! should i kill it?!"

maybe it will die on its own.i decide to reply to N's email (miss you N) and try to forget about the spider...

i look over and it's crawling in circles... how depressing, i'm driving the spider to insanity.

i look away, finishing the email.

then i look back and it's not moving. i killed the spider! i don't know why but tears start swelling up in my eyes, maybe I was impacted by the movie or something. but I don't want to be responsible for the death of this spider!

(movement)

"!", i thought.

"It's alive!"

i push my pamphlet from the Getty(they're having a cool exhibit - check it out) under there and try to lift it. the pamphlet is too flimsy!

if i lift it the spider will escape. i don't want to kill it but i don't want to die either!

ok. i need something flat but stiff like a board. i see nothing.

the cutting board!

i run to the kitchen, grab the cutting board and slide it under the pamphlet and glass. i slowly walk to the back door, eye on the spider, unlock the door, place the cutting board on the ground lift the glass and promptly close the door.

i wrote my parents a note explaining why the cutting board is outside.

But, I did NOT kill the spider.

:)

--------------------------------------------

In other news, I have decided life would be easier if I had rewind/pause/flash forward buttons.

Rewind for when I say/do something without thinking (= allllll the time) and regret it afterwards.

Pause for those moments that need to be taken in for longer than the time naturally alloted. and for those time where I need to gather my thoughts and emotions and get it together! AND when I need a nap but have no time to take one.

Fast Forward because I am SOOOO excited for the future I just want it to be here! Also, because life can be hard and I wish I could just skip the hard parts...

I guess having such buttons would take the learning out of life, Climbing up the Hill wouldn't be as fulfilling and I wouldn't be grabbing my Prayers & Meditations as often...

That makes me think of that time a friend of mine said, "Life should be easy. Everything should just be simple and easy." I looked at them in complete confusion. "Did those words just come out of their mouth?!" I quickly responded, "what would be the point of existence then?!"

So I guess having those buttons would make life too easy which in turn would make life less satisfying and beautiful.

remember?! The Beautiful Challenge.

p.s. how completely unrelated are these two entries?! welcome to my world.

love.

--------------------------

tuning: April by Sun Kil Moon

writing exercise #27/right now

boomp3.com

Precisely

No two snowflakes are alike, except that

they are both snowflakes.

And that's why you and I can be friends

because we have That much to share.

And That much is good, Great enough for me..

Great, like when you stare into their eyes and without words and sounds you are in complete agreement and synch. not even that thought "are we really thinking the same things?"

Silence shared in bliss.

Bliss shared in silence.

Silent, like the sound of you falling

after you blamed gravity for your failed ......

Now, you don't fall senselessly.

And love is always greater when felt and shared unconditionally.

total. absolute. thorough.

Rigorous, like that time when you took advantage of sleep

and then dreaming was taken from you.

And your eyes rolled to the back of your head and

studied each one of your thoughts and actions

in disgust anger and fright

and you had to do something about these nightmares.

So. you picked up the Book and started running

at the speed of Life,

because Life had already left the station

so you jumped on where you could. Thank God.

Perfect, like that time the greens in the leaves were so brilliant and lush

that the air and everything it hit became fresh and verdant too.

And you became the trees -

Graceful and Generous and Quiet and Steadfast.

Vivid, like when my mom and dad are together

and the harmony, the unimaginable harmony the lies ahead

and i'm nothing but excited for my future.

Like always, the future is on mind

and I try so hard, on my tip-toes, peering straight ahead, searching for Next

that I forget all the magic and the love and the color and the flowers that are Now.

Sometimes, I even look behind me, blinders on,

studying the indications, plans and atlas that got me to Now.

Then to Now to Next.

Like Next, where I'm so scared that it won't feel like home.

And I'll have to call it house or apartment or.

Afraid of living in an object and not a state.

does that make sense? it doesn't have to.

Like that time that girl told me, "you don't have to understand me"

and then everything had more significance.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

also:

if you haven't read The Little Prince by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry there is piece of gold missing from your life that you are unaware of. After you read this book you well feel the gold and realize that life is much better with it's existence.

a taste:

 "Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye."