the weight of things

tomorrow came so quickly.

i am hoping for the future to pull the rug out from under the presents weak feet. and watch it topple over itself in that sort of dumb confusion - where you know exactly what and why something is happening but try not to let it show.

and theres all the things. all the things you've picked up along the way. and in fear of missing something. or forgetting something, you've overpacked and now you're troubled by all that once delighted you. oh the weight you put in things. things so forgettable and fleeting. things asking for forgotteness. begging to be buried. imploring you to be put to rest.

but how else would you keep occupied? what would your mind do then? your heart? your spirit? your eyes? what then would you find? what clarity would appear? and how?

how would you know what to do next? or with whom? or how?

life is forever seasons

winter melts to spring despite frost's stubbornness

summer dies in fall despite sun's glimmer.

...

water dreams rain

blue cries ocean

rock marvels moon

...

this is not what i envisioned

now, where were we?

places i've been (how to measure the time)
off the map and draining my memories
here (love 'em 'til your heart leaks)
lost in Bewilderment
Fright
I Don't Know
at sea (it takes an ocean not to break)
in arms
becoming in gardens


||  sleep lightly  ||
your entirety could fall asleep for hours as your dreams run their course and then s u d d e n l y you're wide awake

all the thoughts you've kept at a distance.you've tried burying deep in the sea.

are now sitting on your chest forcing you awake. 

just. like. that.

and now, even your rest is preoccupied.

things i hope to accomplish in 2013

say little, mean lots

relearn to exercise(apply) my heart

the art of forgetting

read the books

write it down

how/when to invest importance into things

how/when to remove importance from things

start

finish

get lost

get found

understanding > understood

sleep smiling to wake up smiling

"i don't know about my love

i don't know about my loving anymore"

-James Blake

titles i knew and liked

Connor Evert's

   Do You Love Me Still

   This Is Not What I Envisioned

   We Seem To Be Drawing Apart

   Dependency, Love Of The Lost

   Adjustment Alone As Always

John Berger's

    Another Way of Telling

Paul Klee's

    Possibilities at Sea

Dario Robleto's

    Some Longings Survive Death

    Time Measures Nothing But This Love

    Words Tremble With The Thoughts They Express

    Woman Negotiates With Grief

Feist's

    The Limit To Your Love

Chopin: Scherzo B Flat Minor Op. 31

ok.

i die.

at 3:12

that sounds like:

a mom's smile,

a hug from dad,

a Confirmation,

a wave finally reaching shore,

finally coming home,

the start of a dream,

love,

a second chance,

"everything will be okay",

a sunset,

a sunrise,

tomorrow's hope,

today's joy,

yesterday's memory,

reason.

chopin.

i love you.

whoa.

http://www.eamonmacmahon.com/

i just got lost in these photos.

the rain falls for a reason

"diamonds form in molten rock."

"the sweetest flowers of man's spirit have often been watered by tears."

"to endure breeds a greater capacity for endurance."

- Ruhiyyih Rabbani

sewing pieces together.

andy goldsworthy

The habit of looking to the future and thinking that the whole meaning of the present lies in what it will bring forth is a pernicious one. There can be no value in the whole unless there is value in the parts.

Bertrand Russell

scribbles on an old receipt:

whole: completeness|entirety

might: power|possibility

future: unknown|dependent on "now"

now: unknown|dependent on "me"

leaving my own bodies of water everywhere i go.everywhere i stay. salty fixes.

my mind swims. i become weightless. and immersed. and Empowered, yet powerless.

and i am so small.

Hands could set me down on Earth.

so vast: i'm unnavigable. but i always hear the Voice, so the Voice must see me.

to be seen.

to wonder (worry) if i'm whole.

to wonder (worry) whether what is perceived is what i intend to be perceived.

where am i going?

where have i gone?

new stamps in my passport. 

I have been to the moon and back.

She taught me how to be small.

I have been through water.

She taught me how to "slip through fingers, but hold up a ship."

I have been through trees.

so quiet, speaking brilliance when necessary. so patient, takes its time to grow and grows stronger because of it.

and still my family: the stars.

a star for every person who has lived, lives, and will live.

i begin to remove myself from a state of worry.

no longer concerned with "whatifs" and "ohnos" and "buts" and "maybeifidothises"

forgetting about yesterday and tomorrow.

thinking of now.

remembering to breathe now.

and right now, the air is sweetest.

throwing my hands up in the air,

i untie the load (i erroneously constructed) strapped to my back.

my shoulders loosen.

i breathe in His name

and release e v e r y t h i n g e l s e.