places you'll find me:

...

there's a place i used to dream about.

i remember because it always looked different

but i knew it was the same. happiness.

i think i'm there. and i had no idea it would look like this.

this good.

...

the first thing i notice about autumn is the burst of yellow in trees.

a sort of fatigue. a "we've been working so hard" display.

but nothing short of beautiful.

i think we get there too.

i think i might be there.

i think you might be there.

you're turning a little yellow from fatigue.

but nothing short of beautiful.

...

if ray lamontagne's guitar was a bridge. and his words the wind and his sounds the river flowing. i would be sitting on that bridge, with my hair in the wind and my feet twirling in the water.

...

new point.

i see paths through these trees.

once i was told 'i hope our paths cross again.'

i choose to hope that our paths meet, 

continue parallel, and hopefully someday merge.

the trees are a little brighter then.

...

on the first page of that Book,

like sweeping sand off of hidden paths,

i'm wiping dust off of your words.

...

love.

moment:

its 70 degrees outside right now.

the wind is fierce.

the leaves are being forced off their stems.

but the sun catches them in time for me to see soaring gold flakes.

its beautiful here.

how to build stairs:

goodnights | 10.2008

...

1o. how to build stairs:

its a life task.

you start once you realize you need them.

right after you learn you'll never fly.

(when i learned i could never fly, i felt like i had been and then suddenly fell.)

you start unknowing of what to use.

feathers were my first choice. bad choice. i kept faltering. like that dream i had...

then leaves. but i stopped to wander too often.

glass ones too. but i broke them once, and people saw.

9. my window is open. this is beautiful. because my home in LA was too old, most of the windows didn't open. it was awful. but this window opens, and i am right next to it. and i sleep with it open and it makes the blankets useful. i love it so much.

8. 2 minutes ago a man in a nearby apartment was laughing hysterically. he was laughing so hard and with so much sincerity i started to laugh. it was ridiculous.

7. i got to talk to a good friend of mine for a long while this evening. why i love our conversation: because they move from point to point to point to point and they never bore me. its always interesting. i am so blessed to have a life overflowing with incredible humans who are always engaging me in thought and contemplation. thanks kamruz!

6. tonight i watched arrested development for the first time. o.wow! this show is amazing!

it really does take me longer with the good ones...

5. another way to measure my life:

time it takes to realize the good ones, examples: broken social scene, ray lamontagne, fleet foxes, arrested development, metric, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind....

4. i get to go home this weekend! i miss my lovelies!

3. i learned my first life lesson for this chapter, and its so embarrassing i don't want to share it on the world wide web. but, lesson learned.

2. 5 paragraph essay in french: not as bad as i thought. still pretty bad though.  must start to think in french. je dois commencer à penser en français. je devrais écrire un blog en français!

1. things i've done that really confirm this new chapter:

sang 5 karaoke songs in front of people i know. this is harder than in front of strangers.

made some friends.

bike everywhere.

make decisions without telling anyone.

cook lots.

life is soooo good. geez.

love.

tuning:

there is a specific playlist right now:

Autumn

Jolene - Ray LaMontange

Your Protector - Fleet Foxes

Between the Bars - Elliott Smith

Skinny Love - Bon Iver

Passing Beauty - Kelsey Bulkin

Mykonos - Fleet Foxes

Be Here Now - Ray LaMontange

Grapevine Fires - Death Cab for Cutie

Pink Moon - Nick Drake

Backyards - Broken Social Scene

Empty - Ray LaMontagne

He Woke Me Up Again - Sufjan Stevens

String Quartet No. 16 in F, Op. 135 - Beethoven

English House - Fleet Foxes

The Penalty - Beirut

(exhale)

love. serious love.

what we mean

how to get here:

spend an evening in deep.

take down the brick wall of fear

with my voice. its happening.

how long have i been a bud 

on the stem of what life?

how'd we get the sound of sadness?

the chords that tickle melancholy.

blue and grey and purple and yellow.

because you cant know joy without pain.

and i can't know hurt without hope.

wide skies and lullabies

i want tomorrow to look this good.

i want. there's only so much a book can read.

tomorrow rises and i'm just falling.

does the butterfly ever part from her cocoon?

so.

i have trouble finding words when i need them most.

the word 'so', when spoken from me, is much more than a filler. it is all those things that are floating|running|swimming through my head that i can't put into words. so.

ways to feel greater than:

. listen to someone sing and play guitar. the combination of vocals and strings is not of this earth.

. eyes. find them. lock them. remember them. 

. take fears. open trash bucket. throw fears. close trash bucket.

. sing karaoke. often.

. notice trees. and love them.

. leave notes of love for strangers.

. appreciate to the point of tears.

.....

the beautiful challenge:

climbing up the mountain.

...

how did i get here?

from sitting on a pile of feathers

listening for signs in song, in prayer

in voices not there.

from friends with tear-stained cheeks

and the look of empty eyes. wells.

i've been to there and back again.

to there, where clouds hang just high enough

they're out of reach.

and i begin to believe stars are playing tricks on me.

to the death of life. a cold that pierces mind spirit soul.

but then the bringing of snow.

and renewal somehow becomes possible.

tangible. and i decide that this path was meant to be tread.

these feet were made to tread it.

these eyes were made to see.

these tears to water the earth.

hands to hold books of prayer.

and then i see the sun differently.

not untouchable, but Untouchable.

the Life Star.

and i am okay.

things i hear

"its a hard parade just

be courageous." 4:09 PM, today

"Rely upon God,

Trust in Him,

Praise Him,

and call Him continually to mind." 9.27.08 on a bench in a forest next to a sweet little angel.

"chase what you were after..." last night, 20 times over and over and over and... today again over and over and over and...

california birds chirping to my autumn playlist. around 4:30 PM, today

a band practice. around 4:30 PM, today

a natural chord: the vibe of heartbeats at the bottom, with the drone of the church's air conditioner somewhere in between, and the trill of a city's cricket populace hanging at the top.

a few rhythmic pulses every now and then: the click of someone's bicycle gears the hum of a car coasting past}going home. now.

what do you hear?

love.

al

p.s. happy 100th post!

what you get when you hear the right things.

...

time and time

and time again.

mistaking circles for wheels.

wheels for cages and

suddenly i can't see.

i always wanted to be a bird.

i had a dream to fly.

suddenly i want to see.

sifting through these stones.

which ones gonna shine?

....

a new goal: to try to put into words that feeling. that feeling. more than happy. moved. brought to a place unseen before. where the sun is a bright i've never been so blessed to soak up before. who needs dreams....

i've just heard one of the most beautiful songs. an anthem it is. from a soul that glows so bright its impossible to not be touched.

and i am truly blessed. to have such radiant souls shining and soaring in my life. to have redwoods outside my window in addition to an autumn breeze. to see the things i see, like the leaves on east quad sailing through the air as the sun illuminates them - like falling stars. or the bluest sky to hit my eyes. and to think that we were all born with the capacity to be more than what we are. to think that it gets better. and to understand that the tests are to magnify our strengths so that we can climb up this beautiful Mountain. i've got a smile on my face....

who needs dreams....

...

tuning: passing_beauty