listen:

four fingered fisherman - sun kil moon

what It is...

it's the fact that i am brought to tears, short breaths, smiles and ascension when i hear music.

it's their paths. because i am dependent on them.

it's Your Message. because it is my air and my blood.

it's the moments between the lights turned out and the eyelids shut.

it's why it was different this time.

it's seeing the end in things.

it's a redwood forest.

it's a blanket, a couch, a movie and a friend.

it's the photographs in my prayerbook.

it's January 2008. what was taken, what was given, what was realized.

it's grandpa's hands.

it's the tuning of your guitar that takes me to a screening of memories.

it's the dreams i dreamt in Haifa. my closed eyes gazing on the Queen of Carmel.

it's meeting someone, and having your initial impressions blown away.

it's tears shed in amazement.

it's everydays.

it's looking up under trees.

it's walking through museums.

it's having my soul sewn to theirs.

it's a letter to a friend.

it's riding my bicycle at 3 a.m.

it's knowing who "me" is.

it's what i discover in being silent.

it's harmonizing to everything.

it's everything i think about on the car rides home.

it's in davis.

it's where i came from, and where i went, where i am now, and where i'll go.

thank you!

things i am thankful for:

my parents -(right now they're complimenting each other on the different dishes they've prepared for the meal... i love them!)

their personal paths in life - because if they didn't tread those paths, and didn't arrive at those specific destinations, i wouldn't be here.... and i really enjoy being here.

God - because really all of this is because of Him. and look at how incredible it is!

my friends - you give new meaning to the word friend. the value each of you add to my life is immeasurable. you know who you are. thank you thank you thank you.

my life - i wasn't always aware but i'm so happy with where i've arrived.

the future - you aren't so far away and i look forward to keep on meeting you!

trees

my eyesight

my hearing

my hands

my feet

my education

rain

bicycles

UC Davis

NABI

the snow

my roommate

food

blessings

Prayers & Meditations

WA

grandparents

Yueyang, China

airplanes

music

pianos

stars

galaxies far far away

balloons

sooo much more...

happy thanksgiving!

love love love

things i take.

i take from this the things i know i can carry. those things that i know that i can hold in my hands and wrap around my shoulders. the things i can string around my neck and tuck in the soul of my shoe. these things i don't find by chance. it is never luck.

i find these things unknowingly but with complete purpose. i have not doubt that this was meant to happen.

and here. looking into a reflection pool the size of an ocean, i see where i came from. where i am. and what i need to get to wear i'm hoping to go.

so it is these things i need and i purposefully find|have found to carry with me. to hold in my hands. wrap around my shoulders. string around my neck. tuck in the souls of my shoes. tied to the strings of my heart....

thank you.

the unbearableness of being.

how do i describe such feelings?

completely warm yet aware of the bitter cold.
sitting under the Leaves of Trees but starked branches in sight.
life really is the push and pull. the rise and fall. the tension of opposites.

i am refusing to choose between weight or lightness.
the groundedness, reality and truthfulness of earth.
but the awe, wonder, and soaring liberty of lightness.
i refuse to choose.
i live in both.

thoughts as i sit on a bench shaded by a redwood tree.

i'm always thinking of how i got here. here. i didn't work very hard. and my mind is always in other places. but here i am, and its no coincidence. i'm sitting on a bench under the shade of a redwood tree. people are dispersed on the field of grass before me, some playing the guitar, Damien Rice to be exact, others are reading. studying. some are talking. some are sleeping. others are dreaming.

this year has already proven to be difficult. i am more busy than i have ever been before. i love that but i am slowly learning what it means to manage, prioritize, focus, and how to say no.

new ways of thinking are being presented to me. rather i am practicing new ways of thinking. rather i am thinking in ways i never have before. and i am thinking about things i have never thought of before.

for the first time i feel confident enough to disagree with my professors, the content of the readings, the things my peers say. there's a fine line though between disagreement and dismissal/refusal. and i am trying very hard to stay on the disagreement side.

i have a midterm tomorrow that i don't feel prepared for. its not that i don't understand what the teacher is talking about, its that i'm nervous that i won't be able to regurgitate everything i've studied and absorbed up until now.

yesterday i decided to explore the library. (i haven't done this in so long). i really started going to libraries my senior year of high school. there was one two blocks down the street from my house and i would go there after classes and just sit in the aisles and read. when i got to college i spent all of my breaks in the photography and art section of the library. that's where i discovered Andy Goldsworthy. i've only been to the reading room of this library, so yesterday i walked through the stacks. i decided to enter a random aisle and it happened to be the aisle of all of the photography books. amazing.

i tried studying there but i was too tempted to read all of the books so i moved down stairs into a secret desk beyond stacks of Russian literature which subdue the chitter-chatter from the lobby.

i can't express how blessed i feel to be here. to be surrounded by so much. so so much.

i'm overcome by this quality of eagerness. i'm on my tiptoes looking ahead. my fingers are fidgeting and i can't wipe the smiles off my face. tomorrow could never arrive too soon.

"it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

and i'm dreaming too. i'm wide awake but i'm dreaming. 

"girl in college disrupts entire library unknowingly"

so.

i have officially and finally embarrassed myself as a college student.

yesterday i was in the reading room of Shields Library, sitting at one of the long tables in the middle of the room. the library was pretty crowed but also pretty quite.

i decide to take a break from studying and watch something online. so. i take out my earphones, and turn on the video. i'm listening and watching this song online for a good two minutes, until i look up and notice that people are looking at something. so i try to see what they're looking at and they're all looking in my direction. so i turn around and they're still all looking in my direction. i'm like what the heck are they looking at? then i look down and realize i never plugged in my earphones.

i never plugged in my earphones.

i.d.i.o.t.

the tables of people next to me were just watching me to figure out when i would notice what i had done. and when they realized that i had realized what i had done, they started dying of laughter. the guy at the table to the right of me actually pointed and laughed.

i muted my laptop and apologized for my stupidity. and got back to work. with a tint of red in my face.

30 minutes later. a girl sits down at my table, opens her laptop and starts watching a tv show or something. without her earphones. ok. mine was on complete accident. but shes making all this noise on purpose! i start freaking out because i think people are gonna think its me again! so i look over to the table on the left of me, and everyone has their jaws dropped. with this expression that reads "are you kidding me?!" i look at them and mouth, "it isn't me!" and they start laughing. and then i start laughing and i don't feel like such a fool anymore.

hilarious. i wish someone would have taped it and put it on youtube or something. 

disaster.