thoughts as i sit on a bench shaded by a redwood tree.

i'm always thinking of how i got here. here. i didn't work very hard. and my mind is always in other places. but here i am, and its no coincidence. i'm sitting on a bench under the shade of a redwood tree. people are dispersed on the field of grass before me, some playing the guitar, Damien Rice to be exact, others are reading. studying. some are talking. some are sleeping. others are dreaming.

this year has already proven to be difficult. i am more busy than i have ever been before. i love that but i am slowly learning what it means to manage, prioritize, focus, and how to say no.

new ways of thinking are being presented to me. rather i am practicing new ways of thinking. rather i am thinking in ways i never have before. and i am thinking about things i have never thought of before.

for the first time i feel confident enough to disagree with my professors, the content of the readings, the things my peers say. there's a fine line though between disagreement and dismissal/refusal. and i am trying very hard to stay on the disagreement side.

i have a midterm tomorrow that i don't feel prepared for. its not that i don't understand what the teacher is talking about, its that i'm nervous that i won't be able to regurgitate everything i've studied and absorbed up until now.

yesterday i decided to explore the library. (i haven't done this in so long). i really started going to libraries my senior year of high school. there was one two blocks down the street from my house and i would go there after classes and just sit in the aisles and read. when i got to college i spent all of my breaks in the photography and art section of the library. that's where i discovered Andy Goldsworthy. i've only been to the reading room of this library, so yesterday i walked through the stacks. i decided to enter a random aisle and it happened to be the aisle of all of the photography books. amazing.

i tried studying there but i was too tempted to read all of the books so i moved down stairs into a secret desk beyond stacks of Russian literature which subdue the chitter-chatter from the lobby.

i can't express how blessed i feel to be here. to be surrounded by so much. so so much.

i'm overcome by this quality of eagerness. i'm on my tiptoes looking ahead. my fingers are fidgeting and i can't wipe the smiles off my face. tomorrow could never arrive too soon.

"it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday."

and i'm dreaming too. i'm wide awake but i'm dreaming. 

"girl in college disrupts entire library unknowingly"

so.

i have officially and finally embarrassed myself as a college student.

yesterday i was in the reading room of Shields Library, sitting at one of the long tables in the middle of the room. the library was pretty crowed but also pretty quite.

i decide to take a break from studying and watch something online. so. i take out my earphones, and turn on the video. i'm listening and watching this song online for a good two minutes, until i look up and notice that people are looking at something. so i try to see what they're looking at and they're all looking in my direction. so i turn around and they're still all looking in my direction. i'm like what the heck are they looking at? then i look down and realize i never plugged in my earphones.

i never plugged in my earphones.

i.d.i.o.t.

the tables of people next to me were just watching me to figure out when i would notice what i had done. and when they realized that i had realized what i had done, they started dying of laughter. the guy at the table to the right of me actually pointed and laughed.

i muted my laptop and apologized for my stupidity. and got back to work. with a tint of red in my face.

30 minutes later. a girl sits down at my table, opens her laptop and starts watching a tv show or something. without her earphones. ok. mine was on complete accident. but shes making all this noise on purpose! i start freaking out because i think people are gonna think its me again! so i look over to the table on the left of me, and everyone has their jaws dropped. with this expression that reads "are you kidding me?!" i look at them and mouth, "it isn't me!" and they start laughing. and then i start laughing and i don't feel like such a fool anymore.

hilarious. i wish someone would have taped it and put it on youtube or something. 

disaster.

states i am striving towards|where i find(found) myself|where i want to be.

signs on the waterfront, WA|2008

....
states i am striving towards:

glass - the quality of total and complete clarity; the faculty of having an inside that shines outward; the necessity of having a clear chamber in order for light to shine through.

water - "i want to be like water. i want to slip through fingers but hold up a ship"

silence - thoughts appear when words are not spoken; words are heard when thoughts do not speak; there is a wellspring of wisdom where silence is heard. "the essence of true safety is to observe silence..."

strength - it is not hiding under grains of sand; nor underneath leaves... its found in climbing up the Mountain; its found in swimming through the Ocean. its what is made clear as the world gets larger and i feel smaller...

...

to: being guided places you didn't know you needed to be. to being guided to pages you didn't know you needed to read. to openness. to acceptance. to learning to be silent. to bike rides at midnight through an almost silent almost dark campus. to trees dancing. to opened windows. to notes written in Books i had forgotten about until now. to not holding back tears. to you. to. you. to me. to existing. to being able to laugh. to being able to sit down in the mess of things with relaxed shoulders and a smiling face. to "it'll be ok". to acceptance. to the sounds created that wrap around my heartstrings. to heartstrings. to breaths of air. to exhaled breaths of air that carry with them the former.worn.obsolete. to inhaled breaths of air that bring with them new.fresh.hopeful. to wide-eyes - yours and mine.

it just has to click sometimes.

i've just entered the world of studying

it closely resembles what i imagine a black hole would look like. but instead of black it it is just pages and pages and pages and pages and pages and pages etc.......... of information.

i knew this day would come. and now it has.

the only appropriate thing i can think of to say is: goodbye!

tuning (on very low volume): 

I'm Good, I'm Gone - Lykke Li

français.

here's how i feel about le français en ce moment.

-je déteste le français.

-je pense que le français devrait être plus facile.

-je souhaite que quelq'un fasse tout ce travail poir moi.

-s'il vous plaît?!?!?!?

bon nuit.

au revoir.

ugh.

stones i step on

traveling through consciousness. finding answers. inspecting them and analyzing. questioning density and mass. weight and affinity.

how does this hold?

from the placing of a heart into a glass case to the discovery that if it wasn't put back into it's place, it wouldn't grow. from the holding on to heart to the ability to let it breathe. inhale love. exhale love. inhale love. exhale love.... from crying eyes. two stars seeing 'the real world' for the first time. to seeing what Real really looks like. feels like.... from last words uttered in regret to the gift of snow. a blessing of renewal and hope. the bestowal of reevaluation. starting over. from the unexamined mind to the desire to appreciate every bit of consciousness. [pppplllleeeeasssse! Please!!!!!!]

inhale love. exhale love.

inhale love. exhale love.

inhale love. exhale love.

inhale love. exhale love.

inhale love. exhale love.

inhale love. exhale love.

inhale love. exhale love.

inhale love. exhale love...

autumn shades

ten things loved:

 1. this fellow. best idea ever. future husband: please take note of this.

 2. this makes me laugh

 3. this is a good idea too!!

 4. because i always wonder what it looks like inside their houses anyways.

 5. their sounds: m.ward, ray lamontagne, bon iver, sufjan stevens.

 6. bicycle gangs. i saw one yesterday on campus. i wanted to belong.

 7. walking to my mail box

 8. my dreams. they teach me things.

 9. the trees here in davis are magnificent.

 10. my autumn shades mix:

Tiger Mountain Peasant Song - First Aid Kit

Keep Breathing - Ingrid Michaelson

Run On - Moby

We Are All Made of Stars - Moby

Jolene - Ray LaMontagne

I'm Good, I'm Gone - Lykke Li

The Penalty - Beirut

Mykonos - Fleet Foxes

Your Protector - Fleet Foxes

Lakes of Canada - The Innocence Mission

Lucky Man - Sun Kil Moon

The Light - Sun Kil Moon

Knives Out - Radiohead