oh and also: this made me habee.

dropin' it like honey bee boys!

10 things loved.

1. how cute is this party?! i cannot wait until i can plan my future little ones' birthday parties!

2. my new skirt from XXI. uhmmm i feel like a fairy princess!

3. these guys. YUM!

4. last night. i went to g's and her cousins were visiting from Seattle. we hung out and then my parents came over too and we had dinner and then they shared their story. soooo cute. and then the world got smaller when we found out g's cousin's parents and my parents were in the same Baha'i community for some years. amazing.

5. Colorado.

6. how come i can't stop listening to Paper Planes by M.I.A.?

7. Trouble the Water. this is going to be heavy heartbreaking and heroic.

8. yesterday's phone call from Kelsey! i was so happy to hear from you and so glad you liked it :). love you!

9. Jeopardy. honestly i love this show soooo sooo much.

10. flowers.

love,

al.

...

to: weekends. unpredicted hugs. tall glasses of water. billows of pillows. snail mail. femininity. watching the grass twitch in the breeze. bicycle riding in the rain. running through fields. eating lunch at home with pops. sharing a slice of pizza with your best friend. laughing so hard you roll on the floor and curl up into the fetal position because it hurts so good. stairwells. brandy by looking glass. music club. a solid game of Frisbee. you. and your happiness.

i've been here before.

its uncomfortably warm

and i feel like i have scarves wrapped too tightly around my neck.

my palms are sweaty

and my eyes feel dry and tear-filled at the same time.

the inside of my mind is filled.

my head is heavy and my eyes are shaking.

i'm scared. worried. fearful. hopeful. and upset.

to be honest. to be completely honest, right now is really hard. because i'm really scared. because i don't know. because i can't wrap my head around where i'm going and whats happening in a few weeks. because life is actually happening. because i wish i didn't have to do it alone. because what if i hate it? because what if i fail? because what if i never come back? because what if i lose? because what if i gain? because home is becoming a place i visit every once in a while and now i have to build a new one.

where i'd like to be:

under a blanket of stars.

sitting in a tree house eating half a lemon with sugar.

in ioas grove.

in a used bookstore.

in Central Park.

at a Jon Brion concert.

baking cookies with friends.

singing alto in my high school choir. either ave verum corpus or deep river or ave maria or new day or and so it goes or  the hallelujah chorus...

driving in the rain listening to Celine Dion.

back to junior year of high school when i read Prufrock for the first time. and the places my mind could go after that.

back to the first time i felt music.

at the beach at night. cold sand might be one of the most amazing things ever.

at that little outdoor restaurant in yueyang eating long xia.

at the palace of the legion of honor in sf in 2006 looking at that Rodin exhibit.

at that piano recital where i MESSED UP ROYALLY. so i can re-do it.

in Colorado.

...

i've been here before, but i haven't been here in a while.

where happiness and sadness are sewn together so tightly that you truly cannot have one without the other.

where you are missing something so badly. but you don't know what it is exactly or how to get it.

to: 

change. time. and growth. 

i'm learning how to accept you.

for the first time

...

(in a long time) i feel content. its more than happiness because it is feeling tranquil with what you have and where you are.

i feel like for the first time i can breathe without hesitation.

i feel like for the first time i can drop my shoulders.

i feel like for the first time i can look around me and feel at ease.

i feel like for the first time i can look inside those around me and see what makes them serene. and that makes me content.

maybe its the air. maybe its the spectrum of the sunset. maybe it was seeing that love takes on many shapes and forms but it always blossoms from the same Seed.

i'm looking up.

love,

al

...

to: different air.

I'm a mile higher!

Denver, CO under a blanket of snow last December as i flew to Albuquerque, NM. 

i will be in Colorado with siblings until Wednesday. will post pictures.

cool things about Colorado:

i will be a mile higher than you.

i will get to test out how panicked i can get from being land-locked.

i will get to spend some quality time with the brothers kam and sister g.

i will get to run through a forest.

i will get to camp!

i will get to go white water rafting!!!

i will get to confirm that LA's hot wings are better than Denver's.

i will get to hopefully fist pound Barack Obama because of the democratic national convention.

looking forward!!!!

to: fist pounding

and counting

3:46 pm

a house is very different than a home.

bigger isn't always better.

less really is more. (richer. more potent. specialer)

and to think ALL of this is all of me. what i am and what i am not. 

what i am and what i am not. both make me.

and last night i believed my veins really were cello strings and my fingers really were piano keys and there really is the ocean in our eyes and our hearts do sit on clouds.

"the sun doesn't go down its just an illusion caused by the world spinning round" and "the heart is a resilient little muscle"

...

11:01 pm

"spare any change?"

no but would you like some food?

"thank you"

next corner:

"spare any change?"

and now i'm more depressed than i've ever been. because food shouldn't be something that people do and do not have. and clothes should be on every one's back. and shoes on every one's feet (Ashley, TOMS is perfect for you! i'm so happy!). and roofs over every one's head. and air should be called love. because it is gravity. everyone should breathe and be held together by love.

to: the men (my brothers. my fathers. my uncles. my soulfriends.) on each corner of DeLacey.

i've been meaning to tell you.

dear Internet,

why are you so amazing? why are you so vast? you are like the universe. i can't comprehend you. but i love you.

..

dear quilt,

thank you for keeping me just the right amount of warm at night. and thank you for being magical. because when you're my blankie of choice my sleep experience is better. you are like a portal to the dream world.

..

dear rain,

where in the world are you? i miss you. come back to me. i need you. pleeeeeeease.

..

dear heart,

how ya doin? you hangin in there? i know you are only capable of love, but i have to ask, do you hate me? i fail at life sometimes. sorry. i will listen to you more, because you can't do wrong.

..

dear Chopin,

Sir, (may i call you Sir?) you are excellent and all its synonyms. umm waltz in A flat, "L'Adieu"? i float. thank you. thank you. thank you.

..

dear Moby,

can we be friends?

..

dear synchronicity, 

i believe you until i'm proven otherwise.

..

dear David Bowie,

why are you so amazing? the other day the radio played 'let's dance'. lets just say i danced like no one was watching.and everyone was.

..

dear Woody Allen,

oh my gosh! i love you!

love,

al